First Love

[Nevermore]

Can I forgot it I can say anymore,
My burden is big I can tell it evermore,
How you was so cold i can't say it anymore.
I still love you but for how long?

I will love you but you will never love me
That anymore.It was easy to say:
''I dont love you anymore''
But you never forget it for how long you
Will remember it...

And I was imagining you in dress on prom,
You was so beutiful and gone,
I live for that moment to dance with you alone
To see you maybe for last time but you are forever gone.

[rowens]

Lots of typo errors. And the "...ore" rhymes happen too often.

[Nevermore]

sorry i was just fell like that

[bella_di_moda]

Hey Nevermore,
I absolutely adore this poem!
I see that someone has commented on the typo errors but I hope that they were all deliberate because I think that the grammar issues give it a real voice. I'm usually very critical of people in everyday life when they use the wrong tense etc. but here it really works. It reminds of something Lana Del Rey would say and I am literally her devotee!

The repetitive element of the 'ore' sound to me just makes the narrator sound like a crazed lover- the effect I feel the poem goes for.

The only thing I would say is does the poem have a title? Is it 'First Love'? If it is then I think you could maybe work on the title a little more as it is just a little to sweet and innocent sounding. Although it does contrast nicely against the poem I think you could have an immediate impact with the title.

Hope I've helped and I really enjoy your poem,
Pippa

Can I forgot it I can say anymore,
My burden is big I can tell it evermore,
How you was so cold i can't say it anymore.
I still love you but for how long?

I will love you but you will never love me
That anymore.It was easy to say:
''I dont love you anymore''
But you never forget it for how long you
Will remember it...

And I was imagining you in dress on prom,
You was so beutiful and gone,
I live for that moment to dance with you alone
To see you maybe for last time but you are forever gone.

[Nevermore]

Thanks a lot and about the title i dont have idea...I will figure something out...I am glad that you enjoyed...

[UnicornRainbowCake]

I can see you've really put your feelings into this poem and that's great - what's a poem without any feelings, eh? I don't know if English is your first language. For me, the grammar really does need fixing. I don't know if you want that - if you do, I'm happy to help. The meaning is lost in the typos, and detracts from the emotion you've put in.

[Nevermore]

No Eanglish is not my first language,and yes I would loved to help me thanks...

[UnicornRainbowCake]

OK Nevermore, I've literally just been through it and corrected what I can. I've changed things here, I'm sure others will correct what I haven't spotted

I can't forget it, but I can't say anymore,
My burden is so big, I can't tell it evermore,
How you were so cold, I can't say it anymore.
I still love you, but for how long?

I love you but you will never love me
It was easy to say:
''I dont love you anymore''
But you never forget it - for how long will you
remember it...

And I was imagining you in a dress on prom night,
You were so beautiful and shone,
I live for that moment, to dance with you alone
To see you for the last time
but you are forever gone.

[Nevermore]

Thanks alot. And bay the way what do you think about title?I dont have any idea right now...

[Brownlie]

I am happy you came to the forum you'll find that you can actually learn a lot here. Though you probably won't learn much from me.

Can I forgot it I can say anymore,
My burden is big I can tell it evermore,
How you was so cold i can't say it anymore. - You were?
I still love you but for how long?

I will love you but you will never love me
That anymore.It was easy to say:
''I dont love you anymore''
But you never forget it for how long you
Will remember it...

And I was imagining you in dress on prom,
You was so beutiful and gone, "You were"
I live for that moment to dance with you alone
To see you maybe for last time but you are forever gone.

While I know love loss can be a deep emotion this poem contains some bad grammar. I would suggest trying to write and listening to the audio tapes or going onto youtube and listening to Tom O Bedlam's channel. I think that you have to be able to appreciate good poetry before you can write good poetry but I may be wrong.

[samneri]

Hi Nevermore! I really liked this poem, it made me remember my days in highschool when I met my first love. I difinitely am not an expert in the field of poetry so I can't give you an expert feedback on it, but I do think there are some grammar mistakes, nothing serious I think; what you wrote is still understandable, hard to read, but understandable I think. Keep an eye on those little details and keep them poems coming!

[billy]

i'm off topic i know, but i'd just like to say it's great to see someone offering help to others.

I can see you've really put your feelings into this poem and that's great - what's a poem without any feelings, eh? I don't know if English is your first language. For me, the grammar really does need fixing. I don't know if you want that - if you do, I'm happy to help. The meaning is lost in the typos, and detracts from the emotion you've put in.

[Nevermore]

Thanks a lot guys