Posts: 18
Threads: 4
Joined: Aug 2012
Dusk falls behind
Glowing in hesitation,
In rapt intent,
I follow and wait.
Wait..
For that magical moment
When day meets night
And the sun romances the moon.
Its but a whisper of an instant,
perfectly opportune,
The unveiling of La Lune.
Crimson amber in flirtatious streaks
Blush in anticipation,
Dallying
in sweet persuasion
ever,
ever so slow.
Seducing the vast horizon
Her shrouded mantle spreads demurely,
Resisting his persistent display
Acquiescing surrender,
In vain, appeals a gentle truce.
“Madam, Till we meet again..”
Relinquishing the day.
Melting embers sink in
Doused completely, dip
Into the blue*.
Peeking from her hooded cloak
The moon smiles, boldly charmed.
Unrobed by flattery, stripping in glittering delight,
Takes the night full reign.
Enveloped in solitary darkness
I was lost at the lateness of the hour
Caught in the spell
of a rendezvous, "en flagrante",
A witness dazed in awe!
NOTE: For the "SEA" I was stumped with choices between "watery ravine", " watery blue" or "blue ravine" . So settled simply with BLUE connoting disappointment, the sea, and disappearing.. any suggestions?  Thanks
ORIGINAL
The sun is setting
Its getting late
Still I lingered awhile
To watch and wait.
Wait..
For that magical moment
When day meets night
And the sun romances the moon.
Tis a fleeting instance,
Perfectly opportune-
As darkness
Unveils
before light.
Crimson amber in flirtatious streaks
Blush in anticipation,
Dallying,
in Sweet persuasion
ever,
ever so slow.
Seducing the vast horizon
Her shrouded mantle spreads demurely,
Resisting his persistent display.
Acquiescing surrender,
In vain, a gentle truce is met-
“Madam, Till we meet again..”
Relinquishing the day.
Melting embers sink in,
Doused completely,
Dives deep, into the watery ravine.
Peeking from her hooded cloak,
The moon smiles, boldly charmed.
Unrobed by flattery, strips in glittering delight,
and takes the night full reign.
With a sudden start,
I realized
I stayed up much too late
I’ve caught them At
their rendezvous, " en flagrante"
Worth all the wait!
Posts: 134
Threads: 12
Joined: Mar 2013
First of all, I really love this poem. The descriptions are amazing and really paint a picture for me. There's not a lot I would actually change, I'd just take the best parts of it and concentrate them into a really brilliant poem.
I chopped out the first stanza as I don't think it really adds much to it. You could re-write it, but you describe the state of the sun and the time later on in your poem.
Wait..
For that magical moment ,
When day meets night
And the sun romances the moon.
It's a fleeting instance, I hate tis 
Perfectly opportune-
As darkness
Unveils
before light. These three lines...too many line breaks, I'm not sure about it.
Crimson amber in flirtatious streaks
Blush in anticipation,
Dallying,
in Sweet persuasion
ever,
ever so slow. Best stanza so far, I love it
Seducing the vast horizon
Her shrouded mantle spreads demurely,
Resisting his persistent display.
Acquiescing surrender,
In vain, a gentle truce is met-
“Madam, Till we meet again..”
Relinquishing the day. These two stanzas, with lack of a better word, are deliciously brilliant
Melting embers sink in,
Doused completely,
Dives deep, into the watery ravine. I don't get this I'm afraid. It's probably me being a simpleton. I presume it's describing the vivid colours of the sunset and all that - it's a beautiful time of day, really elaborate on it
Peeking from her hooded cloak,
The moon smiles, boldly charmed. Lovely imagery
Unrobed by flattery, stripping in glittering delight,
and takes the night full reign.
With a sudden start,
I realized
I stayed up much too late
I’ve caught them At
their rendezvous, " en flagrante"
Worth all the wait! I like the idea of this stanza, but it needs the delicate hand of which you've written a lot of the poem with.
Please revise this, it's beautiful
- Amy
(You wouldn't be surprised to know my parents did not christen me UnicornRainbowCake.)
Posts: 6
Threads: 1
Joined: May 2013
I enjoyed the imagery of this piece. I love sunsets! You captured it. The first and third stanzas bogged it down a bit for me. Is it good manners here just to chop? Sorry if not! I thought your breaks were right on.
Wait..
For that magical moment
When day meets night
And the sun romances the moon.
Crimson amber in flirtatious streaks
Blush in anticipation, << Blushing in anticipation.
Dallying,
in Sweet persuasion
ever,
ever so slow.
Seducing the vast horizon
Her shrouded mantle spreads demurely,
Resisting his persistent display.
Acquiescing surrender,
In vain, a gentle truce is met-
“Madam, Till we meet again..”
Relinquishing the day.
Melting embers sink in,
Doused completely,
Dives deep, into the watery ravine. <
Peeking from her hooded cloak,
The moon smiles, boldly charmed.
Unrobed by flattery, strips in glittering delight,
and takes the night full reign.
With a sudden start,
I realized
I stayed up much too late
I’ve caught them At
their rendezvous, " en flagrante"
Worth all the wait!
Posts: 326
Threads: 90
Joined: Apr 2013
(05-29-2013, 03:25 PM)Word Weaver Wrote: The sun is setting
Its getting late
Still I lingered awhile
To watch and wait.
Wait..
For that magical moment
When day meets night
And the sun romances the moon.
Tis a fleeting instance, Tis a bit old fashioned Tis
Perfectly opportune- why hyphen here
As darkness
Unveils
before light.
Crimson amber in flirtatious streaks I love this line
Blush in anticipation,
Dallying,
in Sweet persuasion
ever,
ever so slow.
Seducing the vast horizon This line is very good also
Her shrouded mantle spreads demurely,
Resisting his persistent display. These two stanzas stand out
they are the essence of this poem
Acquiescing surrender, good use of word
In vain, a gentle truce is met- not sure about hyphen
“Madam, Till we meet again..” met then meet sounds repetitive
Relinquishing the day.
Melting embers sink in, Back to good poetic lines
Doused completely,
Dives deep, into the watery ravine. this doesn't seem to read well
Peeking from her hooded cloak,
The moon smiles, boldly charmed.
Unrobed by flattery, strips in glittering delight, the wording is
and takes the night full reign. awkward here
With a sudden start, the humour is good
I realized here but as a whole the stanza
I stayed up much too late seems disconnected from
I’ve caught them At the rest of the poem in
their rendezvous, " en flagrante" its style.
Worth all the wait!
Hi I like the idea of this poem and at times your imagery is beautifully rich and gorgeous, especially the line "Crimson amber in flirtatious streaks" I do have a weakness for the word crimson and when followed by amber it is bound to be a winner.
I do think stanzas 4 and 5 and possibly 6 are the essence of this poem and if the rest of the poem was of the same quality and poetic beauty it would be a very good poem indeed.
I think that the first 2 or 3 stanzas could be condensed into probably 1 and still express the same point.
The last stanza although good in its intention seems a bit disconnected from the rest of the poem.
I do hope that you will consider doing an edit of this because it has great potential which I would like to see come to fruition.
Thanks for the read and those great lines. I look forward to reading more of your poetry soon.
Thanks AR
 wae aye man ye radgie
Posts: 18
Threads: 4
Joined: Aug 2012
(05-30-2013, 12:05 AM)UnicornRainbowCake Wrote: First of all, I really love this poem. The descriptions are amazing and really paint a picture for me. There's not a lot I would actually change, I'd just take the best parts of it and concentrate them into a really brilliant poem.
I chopped out the first stanza as I don't think it really adds much to it. You could re-write it, but you describe the state of the sun and the time later on in your poem.
Wait..
For that magical moment,
When day meets night
And the sun romances the moon.
It's a fleeting instance, I hate tis
Perfectly opportune-
As darkness
Unveils
before light. These three lines...too many line breaks, I'm not sure about it.
Crimson amber in flirtatious streaks
Blush in anticipation,
Dallying,
in Sweet persuasion
ever,
ever so slow. Best stanza so far, I love it
Seducing the vast horizon
Her shrouded mantle spreads demurely,
Resisting his persistent display.
Acquiescing surrender,
In vain, a gentle truce is met-
“Madam, Till we meet again..”
Relinquishing the day. These two stanzas, with lack of a better word, are deliciously brilliant
Melting embers sink in,
Doused completely,
Dives deep, into the watery ravine. I don't get this I'm afraid. It's probably me being a simpleton. I presume it's describing the vivid colours of the sunset and all that - it's a beautiful time of day, really elaborate on it i meant this to be the sun disappearing into the sea- the watery ravine
Peeking from her hooded cloak,
The moon smiles, boldly charmed. Lovely imagery
Unrobed by flattery, stripping in glittering delight,
and takes the night full reign.
With a sudden start,
I realized
I stayed up much too late
I’ve caught them At
their rendezvous, " en flagrante"
Worth all the wait! I like the idea of this stanza, but it needs the delicate hand of which you've written a lot of the poem with.
Please revise this, it's beautiful
Sincerely Thank you for taking the time to read and review. Truly appreciate Your comments and pointers which are invaluable to me and will be greatly considered when I revise this piece. Best regards, Kate
For some strange reason, Im I am drawn to the tis, and twas in poems lol Im going to work on the last stanza too! Sincerely Thank you for taking the time to read and review. Truly appreciate Your comments and pointers which are invaluable to me and will be greatly considered when I revise this piece. Best regards, Kate
(05-30-2013, 02:22 AM)Alchemist Wrote: I enjoyed the imagery of this piece. I love sunsets! You captured it. The first and third stanzas bogged it down a bit for me. Is it good manners here just to chop? Sorry if not! I thought your breaks were right on.
Wait..
For that magical moment
When day meets night
And the sun romances the moon.
Crimson amber in flirtatious streaks
Blush in anticipation, << Blushing in anticipation.
Dallying,
in Sweet persuasion
ever,
ever so slow.
Seducing the vast horizon
Her shrouded mantle spreads demurely,
Resisting his persistent display.
Acquiescing surrender,
In vain, a gentle truce is met-
“Madam, Till we meet again..”
Relinquishing the day.
Melting embers sink in,
Doused completely,
Dives deep, into the watery ravine. <
Peeking from her hooded cloak,
The moon smiles, boldly charmed.
Unrobed by flattery, strips in glittering delight,
and takes the night full reign.
With a sudden start,
I realized
I stayed up much too late
I’ve caught them At
their rendezvous, " en flagrante"
Worth all the wait!
Thank you so much..Im working on my revision and consider the pointers offered! My best, kate
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