Autumn

[lennox222]

Behold, green to brown and green to gold!
Soon, exposed, the stubble fields,
Leaves, underfoot, compress and mould,
Autumn asserts, as summer yields.

Branches heavy with fruit galore,
Nuts to hasten the squirrel’s task,
Garner them for the winter store!
Press apples for the cider cask!

Creatures, prepare for frost and snow,
For days so short and nights so long,
Soon, flocks of birds migrating go,
Hail winter with their silent song.

So let’s wrap up and take a stroll,
Kick up the leaves along our way,
Let fall and winter take their toll,
March onward to the buds of May!

[Brownlie]

Behold, green to brown and green to gold! -- When colors are used like these I feel they should be symbolic. Soon, exposed, the stubble fields,
Leaves, underfoot, compress and mould, -- I would give a more clear detail. Autumn asserts, as summer yields. -- Most people know the seasons
Branches heavy with fruit galore, -- What kind of fruit?
Nuts to hasten the squirrel’s task, --- I would give a detail about a squirrel getting nuts
Garner them for the winter store! -- Ok the exclamation points make me think of whitman in his jubilation. When I think of a poem about autumn I expect something more depressing about old age. Press apples for the cider cask! -- This seems to be one of your better details your whole poem could be about making cider.
Creatures, prepare for frost and snow,
For days so short and nights so long, -- the "so" doesn't seem to be working Soon, flocks of birds migrating go,
Hail winter with their silent song. -I don't thnk there is a song if the air is silent.

So let’s wrap up and take a stroll,
Kick up the leaves along our way,
Let fall and winter take their toll, -- [/b] March onward to the buds of May! -- Not a bad little pun others might cringe at it though




Symbolism varies but most of the poems I've seen that deal with autumn are talking about old age. Spring is youth and winter is death. That being said your poem is not so bad. My suggestion is to read some poems about autumn... Most of the one's I've read are depressing.

[milo]

Behold, green to brown and green to gold!
Soon, exposed, the stubble fields,
Leaves, underfoot, compress and mould,
Autumn asserts, as summer yields.

all of the commas through here throw off the read and are not technically necessary. the way it is written, leaves only mold when they are underfoot, which is pretty strange. Words like "Behold" and "soon" aren't adding anything. "stubble fields" is good.

Branches heavy with fruit galore,
Nuts to hasten the squirrel’s task,
Garner them for the winter store!
Press apples for the cider cask!

writing things like "fruits galore" in as poem just doesn't come across right. "Branches heavy" would imply the "galore" part. Imagine you and I were talking and I turned to you and said " hey, I am going to the market to buy some fruits galore, wanna come?" That would sound odd, no? I like "cider cask" - good sonics. Your meter through here is not so hot.

Creatures, prepare for frost and snow,
For days so short and nights so long,
Soon, flocks of birds migrating go,
Hail winter with their silent song.

"days so short" = short days. "nights so long" = long nights. "flocks of birds migrating go" is a twisted, tortured syntax for rhymes sake.

So let’s wrap up and take a stroll,
Kick up the leaves along our way,
Let fall and winter take their toll,
March onward to the buds of May!

I think you will have a hard time kicking up these compressed moldering leaves, but good luck.

I feel like you have the bones of a good, quaint little seasonal poem here. I think you might want to put an eye towards syntax, meter and superfluous wording in your re-write.

thanks for posting.

good luck

milo

[milo]

Behold, green to brown and green to gold!
Soon, exposed, the stubble fields,
Leaves, underfoot, compress and mould,
Autumn asserts, as summer yields.

all of the commas through here throw off the read and are not technically necessary. the way it is written, leaves only mold when they are underfoot, which is pretty strange. Words like "Behold" and "soon" aren't adding anything. "stubble fields" is good.

I think that you misunderstand "mould" - in this case, it refers to the organic degeneration of leaves. Compression, as in a composter, hastens this process - stepping on leaves hastens compression and decay.

Commas are technically correct and the effect on the "read" would depend on the reader's sense of rhythm and cadence.


Branches heavy with fruit galore,
Nuts to hasten the squirrel’s task,
Garner them for the winter store!
Press apples for the cider cask!

writing things like "fruits galore" in as poem just doesn't come across right. "Branches heavy" would imply the "galore" part. Imagine you and I were talking and I turned to you and said " hey, I am going to the market to buy some fruits galore, wanna come?"

But I would not expect you, or anyone else, to speak in poetic stanza/vocabulary in every day conversation...

That would sound odd, no? In normal conversation, it would sound inappropriately lyrical - it is not so in this kind of poetry

[/b]I don't think that any daily conversation can be readily recorded in writing and then claimed as poetry[/b],

I like "cider cask" - good sonics. Your meter through here is not so hot. Why "not so hot"? Suggested improvement?

Creatures, prepare for frost and snow,
For days so short and nights so long,
Soon, flocks of birds migrating go,
Hail winter with their silent song.

"days so short" = short days. "nights so long" = long nights.

I think the use of "so" here reasonably accentuates the impact of the day and night imbalance of winter - it also works rhythmically.

"flocks of birds migrating go" is a twisted, tortured syntax for rhymes sake.

Do you think that the opening line from Lord Tennyson's "The Lady of Shalott" is also "twisted, tortured syntax"?

"On either side the river lie",

or do you think Tennyson twisted and tortured the words simply for rhyme's sake in the second line:

"Long fields of barley and of rye"?


So let’s wrap up and take a stroll,
Kick up the leaves along our way,
Let fall and winter take their toll,
March onward to the buds of May!

I think you will have a hard time kicking up these compressed moldering leaves, but good luck.

One can readily kick loose leaves that have yet to be compressed. Many people love to do so during autumn strolls in the woods


Many thanks for your critique

Thank you for explaining to me how tortured syntax, odd inversions, awkwardness, wordiness, forced rhymes and archaisms work in modern poetry.
I get so confused sometimes, this poetry stuff is hard!!

[lennox222]

Behold, green to brown and green to gold!

-- When colors are used like these I feel they should be symbolic.

Why?

"Soon, exposed, the stubble fields,
Leaves, underfoot, compress and mould", -- I would give a more clear detail.

Why, within the context of the poem? This is a poem, not a detailed treatise on Autumn.

"Autumn asserts, as summer yields".

-- Most people know the seasons

I was using a metaphoric struggle between Summer and Autumn
to symbolise and emphasise the seasonal change.

"Branches heavy with fruit galore,"

-- What kind of fruit?


This is a poem of seasonal imagery - not a jam-making recipe.

"Nuts to hasten the squirrel’s task,"

--- I would give a detail about a squirrel getting nuts

Ditto above - this is not a poem about squirrels.

"Garner them for the winter store!"

-- Ok the exclamation points make me think of whitman in his jubilation. When I think of a poem about autumn I expect something more depressing about old age.

This poem is supposed to be upbeat about seasonal change. Sorry that it disappoints your expectation.

"Press apples for the cider cask!"

-- This seems to be one of your better details your whole poem could be about making cider.

Don't understand how one short line reference to cider should convert the poem into one of making cider.

"Creatures, prepare for frost and snow,
For days so short and nights so long,"

-- the "so" doesn't seem to be working

Poetic emphasis and rhythm - sorry that it does not work for you.

"Soon, flocks of birds migrating go,
Hail winter with their silent song".

I don't thnk there is a song if the air is silent.

You are a literal thinker. Ever heard of someone's arrival having been greeted by silence?

"So let’s wrap up and take a stroll,
Kick up the leaves along our way,
Let fall and winter take their toll",

-- March onward to the buds of May! --

Not a bad little pun others might cringe at it though

I was not thinking of the March-May pun when I wrote this line. However, this unintentional pun is not unwelcome, in my opinion, within the context of the poem.




Symbolism varies but most of the poems I've seen that deal with autumn are talking about old age. Spring is youth and winter is death. That being said your poem is not so bad. My suggestion is to read some poems about autumn... Most of the one's I've read are depressing.

Why should autumnal poetry be depressing?

I was not focussing primarily on symbolism, but picking up certain key elements of Autumn and using them to create upbeat rhythm and feeling.


Many thanks for posting your detailed critique.

[tectak]

Hello,
Welcome.I come late to this and note that most points have been covered deeply! You have had quite a bogof with your commas but as another points out, though technically advantageous to your intent, they would be superfluous in any spoken delivery with syntax helping rather than hindering. Enough has been said on this subject already. A line by line may help us both!

Behold, green to brown and green to gold! though undeniably what you say is what is on the tin, you could say it in a more imaginative way...if only to avoid the repeat of the "g to b and g to g " mantra. "Behold", thankfully without the almost evangalistical exclamation mark, is a little biblical. The line is yours but " Look smilingly on green to gold, with autumn avarice" is mine from twenty years ago. I think the cry of cliche went up back then
soon, exposed, the stubble fields, An exclamation mark requires a capital letter in the next sentence. Line starts do not, of their own, require capitals. It is a school-day preference long outmoded. I note that "stubble field" gained you a point in another crit. You and I, though, both know that this is far from a clever use of words as any countryman knows that a stubble field is a stubble field. That is what it is called. I deny you the kudos but would not call cliche.
Leaves, underfoot, compress and mould, suspect syntax on "mould" as a verb. It is a noun and so you would be better writing " Leaves underfoot succumb to mould". Your poem.
Autumn asserts, as summer yields. Nice, crisp line. Worthy. More like this, please

Branches heavy with fruit galore, Shot dead and killed to death.
Nuts to hasten the squirrel’s task, Now you are being too hasty yourself. Image-wise this is not going to work because I can see that you are setting up a forced rhyme. The worst of it is your determination...and that is a good word. Furthermore, you are over-excited and have begun sticking exclamation marks on to mundane statements. More control needed here or we shall all be upstanding for a harvest festival hymn. You are also, in the same euphoria, failing to link lines by anything except your own joy. Unless the gestapo have commandeered the orchard, I would prefer that you stop ordering me about.
Garner them for the winter store!
Press apples for the cider cask!

Creatures, prepare for frost and snow, Read your work out loud. Now tell me why you put a comma after "Creatures". You cannot. It should not be there.
For days so short and nights so long, Change "for" to "when" then "are short" ,"are long" Not ideal but think on it.
Soon, flocks of birds migrating go, Maybe comma, but better not. The inversion is not helpful but you got your rhyme with snow. It nearly works.
Hail winter with their silent song. Again, the lack of linkage makes syntax strangely dictatorial. Hail! Winter.

So let’s wrap up and take a stroll,
Kick up the leaves along our way,
Let fall and winter take their toll,
March onward to the buds of May! Precipitous and thankfull ending. Says nothing consequential, lurches into cliche, and generally leaves me wanting closure. I suppose that overall it is light and frothy and true to genre. Sad about the demise of Reader's Digest. They would have paid you for this.

You did the best with nothing. As a start-up piece it knocks my first into unrecalled oblivion...but that was my choice. I didn't subject it to critique. Think on but do not stop writing...except when reading...and that would help.
Best,
tectak

[lennox222]

Hello,
Welcome.I come late to this and note that most points have been covered deeply! You have had quite a bogof with your commas but as another points out, though technically advantageous to your intent, they would be superfluous in any spoken delivery with syntax helping rather than hindering. Enough has been said on this subject already. A line by line may help us both!

Behold, green to brown and green to gold! though undeniably what you say is what is on the tin, you could say it in a more imaginative way...if only to avoid the repeat of the "g to b and g to g " mantra. "Behold", thankfully without the almost evangalistical exclamation mark, is a little biblical. The line is yours but " Look smilingly on green to gold, with autumn avarice" is mine from twenty years ago. I think the cry of cliche went up back then
soon, exposed, the stubble fields, An exclamation mark requires a capital letter in the next sentence. Line starts do not, of their own, require capitals. It is a school-day preference long outmoded. I note that "stubble field" gained you a point in another crit. You and I, though, both know that this is far from a clever use of words as any countryman knows that a stubble field is a stubble field. That is what it is called. I deny you the kudos but would not call cliche.
Leaves, underfoot, compress and mould, suspect syntax on "mould" as a verb. It is a noun and so you would be better writing " Leaves underfoot succumb to mould". Your poem.
Autumn asserts, as summer yields. Nice, crisp line. Worthy. More like this, please

Branches heavy with fruit galore, Shot dead and killed to death.
Nuts to hasten the squirrel’s task, Now you are being too hasty yourself. Image-wise this is not going to work because I can see that you are setting up a forced rhyme. The worst of it is your determination...and that is a good word. Furthermore, you are over-excited and have begun sticking exclamation marks on to mundane statements. More control needed here or we shall all be upstanding for a harvest festival hymn. You are also, in the same euphoria, failing to link lines by anything except your own joy. Unless the gestapo have commandeered the orchard, I would prefer that you stop ordering me about.
Garner them for the winter store!
Press apples for the cider cask!

Creatures, prepare for frost and snow, Read your work out loud. Now tell me why you put a comma after "Creatures". You cannot. It should not be there.
For days so short and nights so long, Change "for" to "when" then "are short" ,"are long" Not ideal but think on it.
Soon, flocks of birds migrating go, Maybe comma, but better not. The inversion is not helpful but you got your rhyme with snow. It nearly works.
Hail winter with their silent song. Again, the lack of linkage makes syntax strangely dictatorial. Hail! Winter.

So let’s wrap up and take a stroll,
Kick up the leaves along our way,
Let fall and winter take their toll,
March onward to the buds of May! Precipitous and thankfull ending. Says nothing consequential, lurches into cliche, and generally leaves me wanting closure. I suppose that overall it is light and frothy and true to genre. Sad about the demise of Reader's Digest. They would have paid you for this.

You did the best with nothing. As a start-up piece it knocks my first into unrecalled oblivion...but that was my choice. I didn't subject it to critique. Think on but do not stop writing...except when reading...and that would help.
Best,
tectak

Tectak,

Thanks for your detailed comments - duly noted, as and when they are constructive and helpful.

BTW, I believe that the comma in "Creatures, prepare for frost and snow," is perfectly ok - I am addressing all creatures in poetic rhetoric.

[tectak]

Hello,
Welcome.I come late to this and note that most points have been covered deeply! You have had quite a bogof with your commas but as another points out, though technically advantageous to your intent, they would be superfluous in any spoken delivery with syntax helping rather than hindering. Enough has been said on this subject already. A line by line may help us both!

Behold, green to brown and green to gold! though undeniably what you say is what is on the tin, you could say it in a more imaginative way...if only to avoid the repeat of the "g to b and g to g " mantra. "Behold", thankfully without the almost evangalistical exclamation mark, is a little biblical. The line is yours but " Look smilingly on green to gold, with autumn avarice" is mine from twenty years ago. I think the cry of cliche went up back then
soon, exposed, the stubble fields, An exclamation mark requires a capital letter in the next sentence. Line starts do not, of their own, require capitals. It is a school-day preference long outmoded. I note that "stubble field" gained you a point in another crit. You and I, though, both know that this is far from a clever use of words as any countryman knows that a stubble field is a stubble field. That is what it is called. I deny you the kudos but would not call cliche.
Leaves, underfoot, compress and mould, suspect syntax on "mould" as a verb. It is a noun and so you would be better writing " Leaves underfoot succumb to mould". Your poem.
Autumn asserts, as summer yields. Nice, crisp line. Worthy. More like this, please

Branches heavy with fruit galore, Shot dead and killed to death.
Nuts to hasten the squirrel’s task, Now you are being too hasty yourself. Image-wise this is not going to work because I can see that you are setting up a forced rhyme. The worst of it is your determination...and that is a good word. Furthermore, you are over-excited and have begun sticking exclamation marks on to mundane statements. More control needed here or we shall all be upstanding for a harvest festival hymn. You are also, in the same euphoria, failing to link lines by anything except your own joy. Unless the gestapo have commandeered the orchard, I would prefer that you stop ordering me about.
Garner them for the winter store!
Press apples for the cider cask!

Creatures, prepare for frost and snow, Read your work out loud. Now tell me why you put a comma after "Creatures". You cannot. It should not be there.
For days so short and nights so long, Change "for" to "when" then "are short" ,"are long" Not ideal but think on it.
Soon, flocks of birds migrating go, Maybe comma, but better not. The inversion is not helpful but you got your rhyme with snow. It nearly works.
Hail winter with their silent song. Again, the lack of linkage makes syntax strangely dictatorial. Hail! Winter.

So let’s wrap up and take a stroll,
Kick up the leaves along our way,
Let fall and winter take their toll,
March onward to the buds of May! Precipitous and thankfull ending. Says nothing consequential, lurches into cliche, and generally leaves me wanting closure. I suppose that overall it is light and frothy and true to genre. Sad about the demise of Reader's Digest. They would have paid you for this.

You did the best with nothing. As a start-up piece it knocks my first into unrecalled oblivion...but that was my choice. I didn't subject it to critique. Think on but do not stop writing...except when reading...and that would help.
Best,
tectak

Tectak,

Thanks for your detailed comments - duly noted, as and when they are constructive [[and helpful.

BTW, I believe that the comma in "Creatures, prepare for frost and snow," is perfectly ok - I am addressing all creatures in poetic rhetoric.

I can ask for no more, and perhaps, nor should you.
Best,
tectak