Posts: 22
Threads: 7
Joined: Apr 2013
The creaking shadows of dominions shore,
Move again! Like long lost lore.
The stirring death of your grandfathers war,
Will return! In multiples of gore.
The lightnings crack and thunders roar,
At war! Are we, we once more.
The brandishing knives and uniforms tore,
For country! Comes the ignorant corp.
All comments/critiques are appreciated!
Posts: 39
Threads: 7
Joined: Nov 2012
(05-27-2013, 11:33 PM)Ajax Wrote: The creaking shadows of dominions shore,
Move again! Like long lost lore.
The stirring death of your grandfathers war,
Will return! In multiples of gore.
The lightnings crack and thunders roar,
At war! Are we, we once more.
The brandishing knives and uniforms tore,
For country! Comes the ignorant corp.
Hi. Sorry, I fixated on this one thing--the repetition of the "ore" sound. It distracted me from the meaning of the words. Was it intentional to repeat it so much? If so, what is the significance of the sound in the poem?
The second thing which distracted me was the lack of apostrophes denoting possession.
Can I ask what the poem means to you? Well...I reckon I can ask lol. Ok, so I asked, hopefully it's not deemed inappropriate to ask...
Posts: 6
Threads: 1
Joined: May 2013
I enjoyed the rhyme scheme of this piece. It took me to the period rhyme schemes of the Civil War. This brought me right in to the Grandfathers' war.
I agree with the suggestions of DuelNature. Those adjustments would tighten it up.
Like Rose Love I'm left wondering how you feel about the perpetuation of war. I would like to see a third stanza. I want to know what you see as the meaning of the ignorance and futility of war.
I liked your last line;
For country! Comes the ignorant corp.
It gave me insight to your meaning,
but left me wanting more. Heh heh
Posts: 1,548
Threads: 942
Joined: Dec 2016
(05-27-2013, 11:33 PM)Ajax Wrote: The creaking shadows of dominions shore, "Dominions" in this context needs an apostrophe.
Move again! Like long lost lore. I didn't get this simile at first, but I'm coming around to it. It makes me think of stories and passions being passed down between generations.
The stirring death of your grandfathers war, "grandfathers'"
Will return! In multiples of gore.
The lightnings crack and thunders roar, Should the "s"s in this line be on "crack" and "roar" instead?
At war! Are we, we once more.
The brandishing knives and uniforms tore,
For country! Comes the ignorant corp.
All comments/critiques are appreciated!
A somewhat scary poem which reads like a propaganda pamphlet. It has some neat images and rhymes. All critique is JMHO. Thank you for the read
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
Posts: 22
Threads: 7
Joined: Apr 2013
Thank you everybody that has commented, it is greatly appreciated! I apologize both for my embarrassingly horrendous grammar and my failure to respond sooner.
Rose Love: The ore sound was a rhyme that I had intentionally put in place for the first stanza, but somehow carried over into the second. This poem, to me is a commentary on the repetative nature of war (how it returns every generation), and the 'ignorant' armies that fight in these wars.
Duel Nature: I appreciated your critiques (thanks alot), and have taken them into consideration. Glad you liked the poem!
Alchemist: Thanks for the feedback! I was considering adding a third stanza, and in a later revision it might be added. It wasn't intentionally based upon rhyme of the civil war but that doesnt really matter (although I know very little about this era).
Heslopian:The s' in the first line of the second stanza are on lighting and thunder primarily to mantain the rhyme with roar.
Once again, I would like to thank you all for taking time to read and help critique my poem! It is greatly appreciated!
