Workday

[SanPan]

Workday

I come to sit at my desk,
struggling through the maze of untamed
cars and bikes and silly proud footmen.
They seem to believe they are made of iron.

I look over your desk, my friend,
to see myself as if you are a mirror,
a clear one at that, you show me
little cuts I made during shave today.

I look over to the boss;s office,
and his overdressed secretary, a cruel beauty
she is , like a demoness with fangs
supple breasts and dark eyes.

I look to the boss, a happy man
he seems, I do not know him.
His happiness grows as he sinks his
teeth deeper into my hosting body.

Oh! a day gone by without rest,
I am tired and sick, I search for answers
within these walls, I seek forever
I will not find, for I am a worker.

[rowens]

I come to sit at my desk,
struggling through the maze of untamed
cars and bikes and silly proud footmen.
They seem to believe they are made of iron.

I look over your desk, my friend,
to see myself as if you are a mirror,
a clear one at that, you show me
little cuts i made during shave today.


The I and i change-ups happen a lot in this.


I look over to the bosses office,

boss's

and his overdressed secretary, a cruel beauty
she is , like a demoness with fangs

Do you want that space before the comma?

supple breasts and dark eyes.

I look to the boss, a happy man
he seems, i do not know him.
His happiness grows as he sinks his
teeth deeper into my hosting body.

Oh! a day gone by without rest,
i am tired and sick, i search for answers
within these walls, i seek forever
i will not find, for i am a worker.

[SanPan]

yes,those spaces give rythym to my poem.
Boss's is acknowledged.

[tectak]

yes,those spaces gives rythym to my poem.
Boss's is acknowledged.

What nonsense...whatever rythym is.
Best,
tectak

[SanPan]

I am looking for a pause .

[tectak]

Hi sanpan,
You are risking this one. There is much wrong with it. To be fair, it is not very good. OK. All is opinion. Here goes.
Best,
tectak
Workday

I come to sit at my desk,This is the fourth line otherwise you are struggling through cars and bikes in your office
struggling through the maze of untamedFirst line
cars and bikes and silly proud footmen.Second line. Comma after silly
They seem to believe they are made of iron.Third line but this comment is isolated and to a degree enigmatic. Though you make the observation it has no relevance

I look over your desk, my friend,
to see myself as if you are a mirror,Who is a mirror? You friend is like a mirror? You have an idea, but you express it badly
a clear one at that, you show me
little cuts I made during shave today.This is a very poorly constructed stanza. The mirror shows, you show, who shows? Did you mean "look over to" because you make it sound as if you are an achondroplasic dwarf. And please, not a clear mirror! There is no sense in this. Half-silvered, yes. Two way, possibly..but a clear mirror is a sheet of glass... you use up two lines in your opening stanza describing a sheet of glass. Note! Even if you are metaphorically making the point that your "friend" looks to you as you must look to him the metaphor OBSCURES the meaning when it ought to clarify. Wasteful and not worth the effort. Imagery needs improving.

I look over to the boss;s office,Huh?
and his overdressed secretary, a cruel beautyNow hang on. This is open-plan gone mad. You are so taken with your mind's eye view that you are letting school-boys and their howlers in behind your back. You accidentally relate the secretary to the office, rather than to the boss. You come close to shooting an elephant in your pyjamas. You need to get your syntax sorted out; correct punctuation would help. See forum Rules on posting.
she is , like a demoness with fangs
supple breasts and dark eyes."...with fangs supple breasts" is a nonsense...also says you are unsure of your anatomical knowledge of breasts.

I look to the boss, a happy man
he seems, I do not know him.Filler lines. Says nothing of consequence. You imply by your grammar that the boss is a happy man because you do not know him. There may be wisdom in this.
His happiness grows as he sinks his
teeth deeper into my hosting body.What balderdash this is. A "hosting" body? A lost metaphor...what DO you mean?

Oh! a day gone by without rest,Oh, joy exceeding ....blah, blah, blah. Overdramatic in isolation and even with the adjunct. Try a shift down a coal mine.
I am tired and sick, I search for answersNeat avoidance of cliche! I think not... you may agree.
within these walls, I seek foreverCliche, cliche. You have run out of steam...I bet the last line is a corker!
I will not find, for I am a worker.Yep. Stunning. It is a well known fact that workers can't find any bloody thing. See end comments.

Hi Sanpan,
You wish to make a point or two in this. It may be that the cause of the poor worker is of particular interest to you. It may be that you just thought it was a good subject for a poem. Here is the problem...I cannot tell which it is.
If the first...where is the fire, the passion, the commitment, the angst, the heart and soul? If the second, where is the rhythm, where the subtle sonics, the accomplished alliteration? Where is the imagery, the ice-clear metaphor, the "newness" of it all?
The theme has no backbone because it does not need one...there is no flesh or musculature to support. The derogatory remarks about the boss's secretary is the best and worst of the piece...showing massive envy at a naive level.
A rewrite would require looking at the few points you wish to make and structuring the piece around them...then repost in mild if you are still having problems with punctuation and grammar.
On a positive note,
Best,
tectak

[Brownlie]

Workday
I'm a little nicer than than Tec but I'm also a little more young and hopeful... I enjoy reading this stuff so this isn't a chore for me. I don't give a damn man who the hell cares in this objective reality...


I come to sit at my desk,
struggling through the maze of untamed
cars and bikes and silly proud footmen. -- I like that you are attempting to manifest a voice that is somewhat unique to poetry though Bukowski seems to have captured some sort of aphoristic (if that's a word) sensibility. Still I'm partial to that voice even if it is for popular poetry.They seem to believe they are made of iron. -- A punchy lineI look over your desk, my friend,
to see myself as if you are a mirror, -- I would be as terse and honest as possible, what are the poems you like best? Immitate that... This is all my conjecture... a clear one at that, you show me
little cuts I made during shave today.

I look over to the boss;s office,
and his overdressed secretary, a cruel beauty -- I appreciate the voice you are attempting to convey is this you? or is this the narrator? you want for this poem?
she is , like a demoness with fangs -- lol be careful about being a male chauvinist I suppose it can be charming if your ignorant.
supple breasts and dark eyes.
I look to the boss, a happy man
he seems, I do not know him.
His happiness grows as he sinks his
teeth deeper into my hosting body. - I can't argue with your sentiment just don't manufacture a myth that could be harmfulOh! a day gone by without rest,

I am tired and sick, I search for answers
within these walls, I seek forever
I will not find, for I am a worker.-- I would not state you are a worker rather I would have the reader infer the type of voice of the narrator.

The exploited worker is a fine theme for poetry but I think you can make the situation more poignant. What does he have to go through every day? What are the specific images that can become metaphors for larger themes? That's my two cents. Thanks for posting.

[tectak]

Workday
I'm a little nicer than than Tec but I'm also a little more young and hopeful... I enjoy reading this stuff so this isn't a chore for me. I don't give a damn man who the hell cares in this objective reality...


I come to sit at my desk,
struggling through the maze of untamed
cars and bikes and silly proud footmen. -- I like that you are attempting to manifest a voice that is somewhat unique to poetry though Bukowski seems to have captured some sort of aphoristic (if that's a word) sensibility. Still I'm partial to that voice even if it is for popular poetry.They seem to believe they are made of iron. -- A punchy lineI look over your desk, my friend,
to see myself as if you are a mirror, -- I would be as terse and honest as possible, what are the poems you like best? Immitate that... This is all my conjecture... a clear one at that, you show me
little cuts I made during shave today.

I look over to the boss;s office,
and his overdressed secretary, a cruel beauty -- I appreciate the voice you are attempting to convey is this you? or is this the narrator? you want for this poem?
she is , like a demoness with fangs -- lol be careful about being a male chauvinist I suppose it can be charming if your ignorant.
supple breasts and dark eyes.
I look to the boss, a happy man
he seems, I do not know him.
His happiness grows as he sinks his
teeth deeper into my hosting body. - I can't argue with your sentiment just don't manufacture a myth that could be harmfulOh! a day gone by without rest,

I am tired and sick, I search for answers
within these walls, I seek forever
I will not find, for I am a worker.-- I would not state you are a worker rather I would have the reader infer the type of voice of the narrator.

The exploited worker is a fine theme for poetry but I think you can make the situation more poignant. What does he have to go through every day? What are the specific images that can become metaphors for larger themes? That's my two cents. Thanks for posting.

Hey...I'm nice, too!.Is this Crit the Crit week? milo is the nicest Off topic, sorry billy....if you ever come this way again!
tectak

[SanPan]

Thanks for taking time.
So much for spontaneous flow of emotion.
I should try and write much better.

[tectak]

Thanks for taking time.
So much for spontaneous flow of emotion.
I should try and write much better.

Hi sanpan,
You will write better. The spontaneity of poetry is one thing, and of value, but it does not substitute for good poetry; rather, it prompts it.
You must not lose your spontaneity...but you must harness it.
This site will help you if you want help. Some do not. What you do with the crit is up to you but the golden rule is take the best and ditch the rest. How do you know which is which? Easy. Use it all and REPOST your edited version...then do it again and again. Whatever improves...you keep. That is workshopping. If you disappear into obscurity, one day you will regret it.
Best,
tectak