The Supplicants

[Pilgrim]

The Supplicants

The Arabs say that madmen
have seen the face of God;
in India the sacred cow
has rule of every sod.

Midst pomp the Roman churchmen
enact their mythic feast;
while ragged Masai herdsmen
see their brother in a beast.

In Israel the faithful
beat their breasts against a wall;
and fundamental zealots
preach their doctrine of the Fall.

Oh, there is much religion
and talk of higher things:
of cosmic laws and deities;
the joy repentance brings.

But who will feed the children?
And who will stop the hurt
of that old woman kneeling by
a body in the dirt?

And who will end injustice,
and who will banish war?
And who will offer solace to
the outcast and the poor?

And who will make the blind to see,
and who will walk the lame?
And who will bring fulfillment of
the promise in His name?

Oh, You, who made the universe -
behold us in our pain!
Do not forsake Your handiwork:
come back to us again.

[Zerric]

Is this supposed to be religion neutral? Cuz it isn't. And you shouldn't use words that you don't know all the meanings for. You mention sod. Do you seriously not know the slang usage of the word? Do you see anyone write a poem about faggots? No, because that would sound like this:
In the forest, two hunters found,
A pig's carcass infested with maggots,
They squealed with glee, and hugged each other,
Because they both loved faggots.

And then at the end we get 'His' 'You' 'Your'. As if this one being made the universe. Not all religions have one God. And not all of them refer to their God with a capitalized pronoun. So this poem ends in mild bigotry.


On an other note:
And who will end injustice,
and who will banish war?
And who will offer solace to
the outcast and the poor?

war/poor not really rhyming..

[milo]

The Supplicants

The Arabs say that madmen
have seen the face of God;
in India the sacred cow
has rule of every sod.

There is a bizarre bigotry here which makes me think your narrator may have recently joined the KKK. "The Arabs say . . ." The Arabs inhabit the most religiously diverse area of the planet and rarely agree on anything religious wise so I am surprised to hear them all say this . .

Midst pomp the Roman churchmen
enact their mythic feast;
while ragged Masai herdsmen
see their brother in a beast.

your meter changes in the last line. Poetically, the rhetoric is dull. We want fresh original verse in poetry. plus madmen - churchmen-herdsmen = snooooze

In Israel the faithful
beat their breasts against a wall;
and fundamental zealots
preach their doctrine of the Fall.

again, the rhetoric is as dull as a bran muffin. The meter now changes every other line. "Fundamental zealots" is at least consistent with the ignorant bigotry of your narrator.

Oh, there is much religion
and talk of higher things:
of cosmic laws and deities;
the joy repentance brings.

"oh, there is much religion"? - is a way to say almost nothing as unpoetically as possible. "higher things" - is way to be as general as possible. the meter continues to be all over the place

But who will feed the children?
And who will stop the hurt
of that old woman kneeling by
a body in the dirt?

I don't understand why your angry biggot of a narrator is suddenly worried about these women and children. I also don't know where these women and children just came from and why they are in such a state of distress

And who will end injustice,
and who will banish war?
And who will offer solace to
the outcast and the poor?

And who will make the blind to see,
and who will walk the lame?
And who will bring fulfillment of
the promise in His name?

Oh, You, who made the universe -
behold us in our pain!
Do not forsake Your handiwork:
come back to us again.

It goes on in the tiredest most droll sense possible, bringing no fresh revelation, no epitome, no closure, no fresh original poetic language just plattitudes in my opinion.

I wish I had something positive to add here. I did think the line "who will walk the lame" was funny, but only in the darkest sense of humour and there are many who wouldn't find it funny.

I don't think you should take this personally but I think this particular poem isn't really that good and I wouldn't even know where to begin to tell you how to start fixing it.

milo

[Pilgrim]

Is this supposed to be religion neutral? Cuz it isn't. And you shouldn't use words that you don't know all the meanings for. You mention sod. Do you seriously not know the slang usage of the word? Do you see anyone write a poem about faggots? No, because that would sound like this:
In the forest, two hunters found,
A pig's carcass infested with maggots,
They squealed with glee, and hugged each other,
Because they both loved faggots.

And then at the end we get 'His' 'You' 'Your'. As if this one being made the universe. Not all religions have one God. And not all of them refer to their God with a capitalized pronoun. So this poem ends in mild bigotry.


On an other note:
And who will end injustice,
and who will banish war?
And who will offer solace to
the outcast and the poor?

war/poor not really rhyming..

Hello, Zerric.

1. The primary meaning of sod is:

A piece of grass-covered surface soil held together by the roots of the grass. Turf.

Poetic: The ground.

Slang: A person considered to be obnoxious.

So if this word were kept within the context in which it was used, there would be no doubt as to its meaning.

2. Inasmuch as nobody knows who made the universe, understanding is as much a matter of belief as of science. The narrator in this case did in fact believe in one God.

3. I think that bigotry, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder.

Regards,

Pilgrim.

[Zerric]

er...you do realize that both of your definitions fit grammatically into the line, don't you?

And if your narrator believes in one God...well...combine that with how you talk about the other cultures in the beginning, and then suddenly bring up the problems of the kids, and the wars and the poor, and then the narrator pleads for his God to come back. Well that's just about the definition of a religious bigot.

The poem overall itself is not bad for me. I like the traditional four line verse poetry. And it flows pretty well. I'm just not very happy with the subject matter...but you can't please every1..

[Pilgrim]

The Supplicants

The Arabs say that madmen
have seen the face of God;
in India the sacred cow
has rule of every sod.

There is a bizarre bigotry here which makes me think your narrator may have recently joined the KKK. "The Arabs say . . ." The Arabs inhabit the most religiously diverse area of the planet and rarely agree on anything religious wise so I am surprised to hear them all say this . .

Midst pomp the Roman churchmen
enact their mythic feast;
while ragged Masai herdsmen
see their brother in a beast.

your meter changes in the last line. Poetically, the rhetoric is dull. We want fresh original verse in poetry. plus madmen - churchmen-herdsmen = snooooze

In Israel the faithful
beat their breasts against a wall;
and fundamental zealots
preach their doctrine of the Fall.

again, the rhetoric is as dull as a bran muffin. The meter now changes every other line. "Fundamental zealots" is at least consistent with the ignorant bigotry of your narrator.

Oh, there is much religion
and talk of higher things:
of cosmic laws and deities;
the joy repentance brings.

"oh, there is much religion"? - is a way to say almost nothing as unpoetically as possible. "higher things" - is way to be as general as possible. the meter continues to be all over the place

But who will feed the children?
And who will stop the hurt
of that old woman kneeling by
a body in the dirt?

I don't understand why your angry biggot of a narrator is suddenly worried about these women and children. I also don't know where these women and children just came from and why they are in such a state of distress

And who will end injustice,
and who will banish war?
And who will offer solace to
the outcast and the poor?

And who will make the blind to see,
and who will walk the lame?
And who will bring fulfillment of
the promise in His name?

Oh, You, who made the universe -
behold us in our pain!
Do not forsake Your handiwork:
come back to us again.

It goes on in the tiredest most droll sense possible, bringing no fresh revelation, no epitome, no closure, no fresh original poetic language just plattitudes in my opinion.

I wish I had something positive to add here. I did think the line "who will walk the lame" was funny, but only in the darkest sense of humour and there are many who wouldn't find it funny.

I don't think you should take this personally but I think this particular poem isn't really that good and I wouldn't even know where to begin to tell you how to start fixing it.

milo

Hello, Milo.

Thank you for your detailed critique.

I never take personally any comment, adverse or otherwise, on anything I have written. My only real concern is when readers assume that the attitudes of a fictional narrator reflect the personal attitudes of the writer.

As to the quality of what I wrote, I can only roughly quote Chaucer (and before him, Hippocrates): The life so short, the art so long to learn.

Regards,

Pilgrim.

[milo]

The Supplicants

The Arabs say that madmen
have seen the face of God;
in India the sacred cow
has rule of every sod.

There is a bizarre bigotry here which makes me think your narrator may have recently joined the KKK. "The Arabs say . . ." The Arabs inhabit the most religiously diverse area of the planet and rarely agree on anything religious wise so I am surprised to hear them all say this . .

Midst pomp the Roman churchmen
enact their mythic feast;
while ragged Masai herdsmen
see their brother in a beast.

your meter changes in the last line. Poetically, the rhetoric is dull. We want fresh original verse in poetry. plus madmen - churchmen-herdsmen = snooooze

In Israel the faithful
beat their breasts against a wall;
and fundamental zealots
preach their doctrine of the Fall.

again, the rhetoric is as dull as a bran muffin. The meter now changes every other line. "Fundamental zealots" is at least consistent with the ignorant bigotry of your narrator.

Oh, there is much religion
and talk of higher things:
of cosmic laws and deities;
the joy repentance brings.

"oh, there is much religion"? - is a way to say almost nothing as unpoetically as possible. "higher things" - is way to be as general as possible. the meter continues to be all over the place

But who will feed the children?
And who will stop the hurt
of that old woman kneeling by
a body in the dirt?

I don't understand why your angry biggot of a narrator is suddenly worried about these women and children. I also don't know where these women and children just came from and why they are in such a state of distress

And who will end injustice,
and who will banish war?
And who will offer solace to
the outcast and the poor?

And who will make the blind to see,
and who will walk the lame?
And who will bring fulfillment of
the promise in His name?

Oh, You, who made the universe -
behold us in our pain!
Do not forsake Your handiwork:
come back to us again.

It goes on in the tiredest most droll sense possible, bringing no fresh revelation, no epitome, no closure, no fresh original poetic language just plattitudes in my opinion.

I wish I had something positive to add here. I did think the line "who will walk the lame" was funny, but only in the darkest sense of humour and there are many who wouldn't find it funny.

I don't think you should take this personally but I think this particular poem isn't really that good and I wouldn't even know where to begin to tell you how to start fixing it.

milo

Hello, Milo.

Thank you for your detailed critique.

I never take personally any comment, adverse or otherwise, on anything I have written. My only real concern is when readers assume that the attitudes of a fictional narrator reflect the personal attitudes of the writer.

As to the quality of what I wrote, I can only roughly quote Chaucer (and before him, Hippocrates): The life so short, the art so long to learn.

Regards,

Pilgrim.

Because I am never the narrator in anything I write, I always assume no one else is. You can imagine my surprise and dismay upon discussing a poem about a young girl whose grandmother just died . . .

As for the quality - yah, I have written much worse, it is what it is, hopefully we learn and move on.

[tectak]

It goes on in the tiredest most droll sense possible, bringing no fresh revelation, no epitome, no closure, no fresh original poetic language just plattitudes in my opinion.

I wish I had something positive to add here. I did think the line "who will walk the lame" was funny, but only in the darkest sense of humour and there are many who wouldn't find it funny.

I don't think you should take this personally but I think this particular poem isn't really that good and I wouldn't even know where to begin to tell you how to start fixing it.

milo

Hello, Milo.

Thank you for your detailed critique.

I never take personally any comment, adverse or otherwise, on anything I have written. My only real concern is when readers assume that the attitudes of a fictional narrator reflect the personal attitudes of the writer.

As to the quality of what I wrote, I can only roughly quote Chaucer (and before him, Hippocrates): The life so short, the art so long to learn.

Regards,

Pilgrim.

Because I am never the narrator in anything I write, I always assume no one else is. You can imagine my surprise and dismay upon discussing a poem about a young girl whose grandmother just died . . .

As for the quality - yah, I have written much worse, it is what it is, hopefully we learn and move on.

I am not needed here but I would add only one point...not strictly poetic crit but salient nonetheless. When any aspirant chooses to write on a huge subject ( god, gravity, ghosts, wine) the talons come out and the gloves come off. To win this one, pilgrim, you need to be very, very sure that you (who assumes the personna of the narrator...or vice versa) know what you are talking about....if in doubt, keep out or keep it simple.
Best,
tectak

[Brownlie]

The Supplicants

The Arabs say that madmen
have seen the face of God;
in India the sacred cow
has rule of every sod.

Midst pomp the Roman churchmen
enact their mythic feast;
while ragged Masai herdsmen
see their brother in a beast.

In Israel the faithful
beat their breasts against a wall;
and fundamental zealots
preach their doctrine of the Fall.

Oh, there is much religion
and talk of higher things:
of cosmic laws and deities;
the joy repentance brings.

But who will feed the children?
And who will stop the hurt
of that old woman kneeling by
a body in the dirt?

And who will end injustice,
and who will banish war?
And who will offer solace to
the outcast and the poor?

And who will make the blind to see,
and who will walk the lame?
And who will bring fulfillment of
the promise in His name?

Oh, You, who made the universe -
behold us in our pain!
Do not forsake Your handiwork:
come back to us again.

Interesting that your name is pilgrim... I think of John Bunyan