Meadows

[Catcherin]

This is not actually the original as I wrote this a little while ago but then it was lost (hence this version is a semi-remembered form). Would love to get some feedback on this as I feel it flirts with cheesiness/just generally sucks a bit. Also I know the meter changes a bit, I know that is a nit for some of you so sorry. Anyway:

1st revision:

In the meadow
Bright and clear
A perfect breath in times austere
Score dances from a fragile beak
A precious brush on lover's cheek

In a meadow
Overcast
Laced fingers flutter from the blast
Sluggish smoke
Whispered goodbye
Watching the ash rise to the sky

In a meadow
Before a flag
An oath is taken
Issued dog tag
A rage mephitic; torn world view
And a longing love that could tear in two


The sky shot through with nocuous fumes
The broken grounds belch souls in plumes
And a racing heart
Yearning exhumes
But in the meadow a new poppy blooms

In the meadow
Cold and clear
Reminisce with silent tear
And aching heart begging for score
But the birds don't sing here any more.

original:

In the meadow
Bright and clear
A perfect breath in times austere
Score dances from a fragile beak
A precious brush on lover's cheek

In a meadow
Overcast
Laced fingers flutter from the blast
Sluggish smoke
Whispered goodbye
Watching the ash rise to the sky

In a meadow
Before a flag
An oath is taken
Issued dog tag
A rage mephitic to torn world view
And a longing love that could tear in two


The sky shot through with nocuous fumes
The broken grounds belch souls in plumes
And a racing heart
Yearning exhumes
But in the meadow a poppy blooms

In the meadow
Cold and clear
Reminisce with silent tear
And aching heart begging for score
But the birds don't sing any more.

[Magpie]

This is not actually the original as I wrote this a little while ago but then it was lost (hence this version is a semi-remembered form). Would love to get some feedback on this as I feel it flirts with cheesiness/just generally sucks a bit. Also I know the meter changes a bit, I know that is a nit for some of you so sorry. Anyway:

In the meadow
Bright and clear
A perfect breath in times austere
Score dances from a fragile beak This line threw me, I presume
A precious brush on lover's cheek you mean music,birdsong. Score made
me think "20" at first
In a meadow
Overcast
Laced fingers flutter from the blast This made me think of a duel
Sluggish smoke for some reason
Whispered goodbye
Watching the ash rise to the sky

In a meadow civil war?
Before a flag
An oath is taken
Issued dog tag
A rage mephitic to torn world view good word "mephitic"
And a longing love that could tear in two


The sky shot through with nocuous fumes I'm not too knowledgeable
The broken grounds belch souls in plumes on certain rules of poetry but
And a racing heart should this stanza also start
Yearning exhumes with "In the meadow" as a refrain
But in the meadow a poppy blooms

In the meadow
Cold and clear
Reminisce with silent tear
And aching heart begging for score
But the birds don't sing any more.

Hi Catcherin,
Don't put your poem down in the introduction, although it could be a cunning plan to lure someone in.
I left a couple of notes at the side but don't read too much into them. I'm not sure if I've got this right but I see the meadow as a device that you've used to have certain scenarios over time? And I'm not entirely sure why I think this, but S2 a duel? S3 civil war? S4 world war? because of the poppy. Either way it's got something about it just needs a tiny tiny bit fixing here and there, and unless I've got the wrong meaning about "score" then it seems slightly stiff for describing birdsong.
But most of all don't shoot your poem down in the intro because others might shoot it in critique and then, we'd have to call an ambulance and the rest
Cheers for the read. Thanks
AR

[Keith]

This is not actually the original as I wrote this a little while ago but then it was lost (hence this version is a semi-remembered form). Would love to get some feedback on this as I feel it flirts with cheesiness/just generally sucks a bit. Also I know the meter changes a bit, I know that is a nit for some of you so sorry. Anyway:

In the meadow
Bright and clear
A perfect breath in times austere
Score dances from a fragile beak
A precious brush on lover's cheek like the delicacy of these lines

In a meadow
Overcast
Laced fingers flutter from the blast
Sluggish smoke
Whispered goodbye
Watching the ash rise to the sky

In a meadow
Before a flag
An oath is taken
Issued dog tag
A rage mephitic to torn world view had to google but good word choiceAnd a longing love that could tear in two


The sky shot through with nocuous fumes
The broken grounds belch souls in plumes like this pairing also good imagesAnd a racing heart
Yearning exhumes sounds forced
But in the meadow a poppy blooms meter too short could add new poppy blooms
In the meadow
Cold and clear
Reminisce with silent tear
And aching heart begging for score
But the birds don't sing any more. here any more ?

I enjoyed the way you present this jumping from one story to an other meadow and a different story and you have the pieces of a really good poem here, some of the end rhymes feel a little forced, the meter need a tune up but other than that you have some strong images and a good tale to tell. Hope this helps,Thanks TOMH

[Brownlie]

This is not actually the original as I wrote this a little while ago but then it was lost (hence this version is a semi-remembered form). Would love to get some feedback on this as I feel it flirts with cheesiness/just generally sucks a bit. Also I know the meter changes a bit, I know that is a nit for some of you so sorry. Anyway:

Hey this is not bad

In the meadow -- What does the meadow represent
Bright and clear
A perfect breath in times austere
Score dances from a fragile beak
A precious brush on lover's cheek

In a meadow
Overcast
Laced fingers flutter from the blast - What blast
Sluggish smoke
Whispered goodbye
Watching the ash rise to the sky

In a meadow
Before a flag
An oath is taken
Issued dog tag
A rage mephitic to torn world view
And a longing love that could tear in two


The sky shot through with nocuous fumes
The broken grounds belch souls in plumes
And a racing heart
Yearning exhumes
But in the meadow a poppy blooms -Why a poppy?

In the meadow - You Changed the anaphora slightly at the end this adds a dramatic touch.
Cold and clear
Reminisce with silent tear
And aching heart begging for score
But the birds don't sing any more.

I have some questions. What is this poem about? Do you think you've made the meaning clear enough?

[Catcherin]

I have tightened up the meter for this one as per TOMH suggestions. Better? For those wondering about the meaning, it is simply about a couple during the second world war. I thought meadows would be a good recurring theme as they are quite often associated with tranquillity, beauty and nature but can also be associated with open warfare and of course the poppies that represent the war dead. Incidentally that is the difference "the meadow" (same place) and "a meadow" here. The first stanza is about their pre war relationship, and the worsening international situation. In the second stanza they are watching the first of the airstrikes. The third stanza is informed by the second in that this is where he decides to join the war effort despite how much it will pain him to be apart from his partner. The fourth stanza is the final battle he's involved and I wanted it to stand out (hence the meter change). He is killed (in the meadow a poppy blooms), and through the fear, his final thoughts are with the woman he left behind. The final stanza ends at the beginning, she is in the same meadow thinking about him and wishing to go back to the time when they were together, but its impossible (represented by the bird song, the birds don't sing because the are has been ruined by war and he has died due to the same thing etc.)