Words
Words written in stones thrown to the gravel.
we are the rebels that wish not to be enlightened by the truth
but by the benevolent fear of our lies becoming our reality.
and yet we hide behind and empty body, that
we know wont satisfy any of our fictitious desires. wanting
to vanish from a world that has no condolence for those who
are tired of the lugubrious path of life. not knowing that we are light
it self pondering the ambition of a diseased illusion.
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(05-13-2013, 02:53 PM)alan6693 Wrote: Words
Words written in stones thrown to the gravel.
we are the rebels that wish not to be enlightened by the truth
but by the benevolent fear of our lies becoming our reality. Benevolent fear? i don't see it...sounds a bit forced to me
and yet we hide behind and empty body, that an
we know wont satisfy any of our fictitious desires. wanting won't
to vanish from a world that has no condolence for those who
are tired of the lugubrious path of life. not knowing that we are light in my opinion, you should capitalize Light, since your personifying it. unless the no caps was intentional...
it self pondering the ambition of a diseased illusion. itself, (needs some form of sentence break between itself and pondering)
lots of grammar mistakes...but overall a good poem i guess...well i enjoyed it anyway...one of the few that don't rhyme that i did. Btw, is there a reason only the start is capitalized? and none of them were full sentences, only fragments...was that intentional as well?
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(05-13-2013, 02:53 PM)alan6693 Wrote: Words
Words written in stones thrown to the gravel.Not a sentence so ruinous as a opener. This does not bode well
we are the rebels that wish not to be enlightened by the truth pointless pseudo-poetic inversion combined with lack of any directional punctuation leaves this reader questioning the competancy of the piece rather than the content. What human condition disavows enlightenment? This is a nonsense line masquerading as profound. If a point is worth making it should be self-evidently arguable. This is not.
but by the benevolent fear of our lies becoming our reality. You have now become entangled in a boolean soup. Do you think you have said that you DO wish to be enlightened by benevolent (??) fear, or that you DO not so wish? Eitherway "benevolent" is a word plucked from your book "Words of three or more syllables what I must use." It is if no essence here. Punctuation is thankfully sparse if your use of it in the next line is anything to go by
and yet we hide behind and empty body, that "and yet" is conditional. Upon what? I am looking for an "in spite of" clause but can only see confirmatory acceptance in the previous lines. "..hide behind AND empty body" is a verb too far! Punctuation mystical. No comma before "that". This is random placement with no understanding of purpose. Read your work out loud to see where the natural pauses should occur. It will not give you definitive skills but it will help you to avoid profligate punctuation.
we know wont satisfy any of our fictitious desires. wanting This line is to all intents and purposes gobbledygook. Would you expect a fictitious desire to be satisfied? Use capitals and do try to pull your lines in to some semblance of order, If only as an exercise in poetic endeavour.
to vanish from a world that has no condolence for those who
are tired of the lugubrious path of life. not knowing that we are light
it self pondering the ambition of a diseased illusion. Sadly, this ends with a dumping of all purpose down the garbage shute. What are you trying to say? You seem to be picking words out of a dictionary because they sound impressive...and they are not even that. "lugubrious path"? "ambition of a diseased illusion"? The fungible dissassociation convolutes prevaricated parsimony. Honestly.
No. It is not a good "poem". It is like watching a carpenter paint with a chisel. You have not yet got the tools required to make art from words...at this level, in this medium...yet.
Do not despair. You could very easily rewrite this in much simpler (clearer) language and make it work. Deep thinking is just the start. When you have such a thought write it down as you first heard it in your head. This is your muse speaking to you. Few, if any of us, think in hyperbole. Thank god.
Please note that in serious crit you should not post with basic errors. Punctuation in this piece is erratic enough to know that YOU think you have done enough. For final comment, look at this:
"not knowing that we are light it self pondering the ambition of a diseased illusion."
Over to you.
Best,
tectak
Posts: 574
Threads: 80
Joined: May 2013
(05-13-2013, 02:53 PM)alan6693 Wrote: Words
Ok the title makes me think you are going to delve into some linguistic philosophy. Apparantly these words are speaking for themselves which is an interesting concept.
Words written in stones thrown to the gravel.
we are the rebels that wish not to be enlightened by the truth
but by the benevolent fear of our lies becoming our reality.
and yet we hide behind and empty body, that
we know wont satisfy any of our fictitious desires. wanting
to vanish from a world that has no condolence for those who
are tired of the lugubrious path of life. not knowing that we are light
it self pondering the ambition of a diseased illusion.
There is an interesting sentiment here that I think is a little drawn out.
