Ghost in the Machine (edit)

[James]

Suburbia's silver nights sways low a hill-roof vine
A hole in the sky, a hole in the spirit of the climb
In daylight sink this vow will not, dot plain be me, an astronaut
Oh moon may this ghost make mist oh jungle oh moon
The spirit bleeds blue drops blending a fading dew spring
Make blisters of vacuum palms, vacant fairs, and vacant cares
Vile monsters and vile mares, make weeping waves wonder where
Nay sickly dorming, say not the theme, it is the sound of animals mourning
I do see the ground, I do see the town, I do see violets, but I hear the sound
Its haunting every time, lay this time a placid pond
Gentle air, winter stares, its calling thorns so bare
Here swims no leach lick, come crimson thorns in vice grip
Still air leave me, drown this vow will not, dot plain be me, an astronaut

28 days, 6 hours, 42 minuets, 12 seconds, that is when the world will end
Lay the echoes through the vine, skyward incline is the hole through time
Over roof-lines, over valleys, rain red rivers past passage pines
Sky scrape sky steep, loom drape dye, lowly lasting wonder lie
Lay less or more, damp thorn chore lay not day, day stay with sycamore
Across everything, across something, across galaxies, across nothing
Astronaut, oh astronaut, glide me drift your wings or not
Say not awaken formula, never need caring nothing, crucify by nebula
Sky scrape space steep, loom drape dye, lowly lasting wonder lie

[dusboss]

I really like first lines, they make me think of cliffs in Scotland and it's nature, and then from the moment you start mentioning monsters I start picturing cliffs and villages with beings from mythology. All in all I think of this poem as if it is placed in past, middle age, which I really adore. This is maybe the first poem that I read and liked from the start till the end, very impressive writing.
All the best and keep writing.

[jkaram]

A couple of your lines in your poem resonated in me. I particularly love "hole in the spirit of the climb" and "may ghost make mist"- what feeling! I became lost in wistful feelings in the darkness. My only slight criticim is that I wished in certain lines for some paring of words to make the gems of this poem shine a little brighter.

[Brownlie]

Suburbia's silver nights sways low a hill-roof vine
A hole in the sky, a hole in the spirit of the climb
In daylight sink this vow will not, dot plain be me, an astronaut
Oh moon may this ghost make mist oh jungle oh moon
The spirit bleeds blue drops blending a fading dew spring
Make blisters of vacuum palms, vacant fairs, and vacant cares
Vile monsters and vile mares, make weeping waves wonder where
Nay sickly dorming, say not the theme, it is the sound of animals mourning
I do see the ground, I do see the town, I do see violets, but I hear the sound
Its haunting every time, lay this time a placid pond
Gentle air, winter stares, its calling thorns so bare
Here swims no leach lick, come crimson thorns in vice grip
Still air leave me, drown this vow will not, dot plain be me, an astronaut

Ok I assume most know this but the ghost and the machine idea comes from Descartes. I think we would refer to the idea of two substances as Cartesian Dualism. Basically Descartes held that there were two substances: one that is more akin to physical matter and a more spiritual substance. However, Descartes had trouble reconciling how spirit interacted with material. Descartes invented the idea of a penial gland to connect the two but no one has ever found a penial gland. Some would critique some of your language and perhaps call it archaic. Words like "nay" for instance. Hope this helps someone.

[James]

I don't usually use words such as nay, I just thought it would flow better in this specific situation. I actually had no idea that it bothered people, thank you for telling me that. Are there any other specific aspects of the language that I used that you didn't like?

[qwerty_H]

I like the imagery in the poem. THere are a number of issues where the verbs and the subjects don't agree, but who really does agree all the time??!! A little argument between some subjects and verbs is ok. I think these days the ghost in the machine usually refers to mechanical things acting of their own. Thanks.

-H

[Brownlie]

I like the imagery in the poem. THere are a number of issues where the verbs and the subjects don't agree, but who really does agree all the time??!! A little argument between some subjects and verbs is ok. I think these days the ghost in the machine usually refers to mechanical things acting of their own. Thanks.

-H

I think these days I thought of Descartes

[qwerty_H]

I like the imagery in the poem. THere are a number of issues where the verbs and the subjects don't agree, but who really does agree all the time??!! A little argument between some subjects and verbs is ok. I think these days the ghost in the machine usually refers to mechanical things acting of their own. Thanks.

-H

I think these days I thought of Descartes

not me, but, I was talking to the author though.

[Brownlie]

I like the imagery in the poem. THere are a number of issues where the verbs and the subjects don't agree, but who really does agree all the time??!! A little argument between some subjects and verbs is ok. I think these days the ghost in the machine usually refers to mechanical things acting of their own. Thanks.

-H

I think these days I thought of Descartes

not me, but, I was talking to the author though.

Alas, how pathetic my life has become....

[James]

I actually did that purposely ( the subject and verbs not agreeing). At first it was just for a certain tone for the poem, but now i'm gearing for it to have an impact near the end, this isn't really finished yet.