Poetry

[Ferwynne]

The birth of poetry,a bodily function,
the building pressure of a sneeze

as birthing a child, a slow and painful
process of anticipation

or the dreamy, enticing excitement of a love lust tryst
exploding into orgasm, release beyond all reason

in the final thrust of a jouster's lance
that bleeds out victory on the ground

The poet, that wretched soul
destined for greatness
or for death
imbibes the painful truth
and gives us its beautiful device

[tectak]

The birth of poetry-a bodily function,
the building pressure of a sneeze

as birthing a child, a slow and painful
process of anticipation

or the dreamy, enticing excitement of a love-lust tryst
exploding into orgasm, release beyond all reason

in the final thrust of a jouster's lance
that bleeds out victory on the ground

The poet-that wretched soul
destined for greatness
or for death?

imbibes in painful truth
and gives us it's beautiful device

Hello,
This is jolly good. It is short on inessentials and makes excellent use of inventive metaphor. It also makes inventive use of the dash...which is not so good. I would also question your use of "imbibes". I think you are getting it confused with "resides" But here it comes...you have decided, through lack of ability or lack of concern, to dispense with grammar to a very large degree. This false freedom leads to abandon.
The last two lines just go to show what can happen under such liberation. Is it a sentence? Is it a clause? Is it a paragraph? No. It is an unnecessary stab at a committed ending. You failed to realise the the penultimate stanza was/is not a question....and so you foolishly answered it. Needs looking at.
I note that you have been writing poetry for many years and this shows to your greater glory...but could I respectfully suggest that you read your work out loud, more often.
Best,
tectak

[Ferwynne]

Thank you for an excellent critique, you give me a lot to think about. I was unsure of the use of dashes, I agree they could go.
I did intend to use "imbibe", but I think I see the problem in the last two lines. If i removed the question mark after death, it would make more sense, as it wasn't intended to be a question that follows through to the end.
After editing the original post I think I like it much more. This is a submission for a final exam in english comp so I appreciate the help.
Ferwynne

[tectak]

Thank you for an excellent critique, you give me a lot to think about. I was unsure of the use of dashes, I agree they could go.
I did intend to use "imbibe", but I think I see the problem in the last two lines. If i removed the question mark after death, it would make more sense, as it wasn't intended to be a question that follows through to the end.
After editing the original post I think I like it much more. This is a submission for a final exam in english comp so I appreciate the help.
Ferwynne

Hi fer,
you have a good attitude.
You may have meant to use "imbibe" but you are using it incorrectly. Imbibe means to take in. So you have written "Takes in in painful truth" .
Try "Imbibes the painful truth". Mistakes like this lose you credibility, whereas you deserve kudos for using the word at all
Best,
tectak

[Ferwynne]

Yes, that makes perfect sense, thank you for pointing that out.

Ferwynne

[Ferwynne]

Its. No apostrophe.

Thank you, my pinky finger has a mind of its own

[heslopian]

The birth of poetry,a bodily function,
the building pressure of a sneeze

as birthing a child, a slow and painful An awkward transition from sneezing to birthing. It's so abrupt that one could almost say you're mixing metaphors: a sneeze is sudden, while birthing, to quote you, is "slow and painful".
process of anticipation Another awkward transition. Is the birthing underway or are we anticipating it?

or the dreamy, enticing excitement of a love lust tryst I think "love lust" might be more effective if you put a slash between them.
exploding into orgasm, release beyond all reason I think I see the problem with your metaphors; they follow each other at such a fast pace that they're not clearly defined and so melt together, making them seem clumsy. Maybe you could remedy this by separating your stanzas a bit more, like so:

"The birth of poetry is a bodily function,
the building pressure of a sneeze.

It's also like birthing a child, slow and painful,
preceded by a process of anticipation.

Or is it the dreamy, enticing excitement of a love/lust tryst
which explodes into orgasm, release beyond all reason?"

That's just a crude example, of course.

in the final thrust of a jouster's lance
that bleeds out victory on the ground I like the phrase "bleeds out victory".

The poet, that wretched soul
destined for greatness
or for death These three lines feel redundant; everyone's destined for greatness and/or death.
imbibes the painful truth
and gives us its beautiful device Great last two lines; sharp and poetic. I like the use of "imbibes", which makes "the painful truth" seem like a bitter medicine, while "beautiful device" is a neat semi-metaphor for poems.

You have some good stuff here, it just needs a bit of tidying up. Take a broom to the first three or four verses and you'll have a very effective poem. Critique is, of course, JMHO. Thanks for the read

[Ferwynne]

Thanks so much for the feedback. I can see where changing "as" to "or" in line 3 would help clarify the differences, however this poem was intentionally written without (help me find the words here) phrases such as "it is" or "also", in order to convey a sense of free-writing style.

Luckily, this one's already submitted so I can be free of it for a while. Thanks!

Fer

[Brownlie]

The birth of poetry,a bodily function, How about something like Writing poetry is sensual? This first line seems awkward to me.
the building pressure of a sneeze This is a good concrete sensual detail, but I'm not sure if I can fully identify with the sentiment

as birthing a child, a slow and painful I don't know if its as bad as child birth. Just being facetious with you.
process of anticipation

or the dreamy, enticing excitement of a love lust tryst
exploding into orgasm, release beyond all reason. Too much for me once you've entered into physical copulation you've gone past the state of dreams.

in the final thrust of a jouster's lance
that bleeds out victory on the ground I assume the joust is meant to be phallic, is the blood supposed to be the rupture of a hymen? I prefer more subtlety when eroticism is used in literature.

The poet, that wretched soul
destined for greatness
or for death We are all destined for death, it is part of the human condition.
imbibes the painful truth Painful truth? What is that?
and gives us its beautiful device Beautiful seems to be a weak adjective here.

Hope my comments were helpful.[/color]