Holding Back

[loraineraleigh]

sometimes i feel like
pebbles in a swift river,
like i'm
being worn down by
the cruel currents.

sometimes i feel like
spring comes too soon,
like it
always comes in a torrent.

i feel like
i need a dam, need to hold
back the onslaught.

like i'm going to get caught
up, rushed downstream.

my pieces scattered;
my bedrock,
gone.

[albino-rino-5000]

I really enjoyed your poem! For the most part I love it, but in the last stanza I think you should stay away from the word bedrock, its very pretty sounding, but it has a amusing connotation and doesn't fit with the mood of the poem.

[loraineraleigh]

I have apparently always had a problem with Freudian slips. I'll try and think of something else to go there. Hmm...

[Volaticus]

sometimes i feel like
pebbles in a swift river, I like the image
like i'm Maybe drop this line? 'like i'm' (to me anyways) sounds redundant.
being worn down by Maybe drop the word 'being'?
the cruel currents. 'cruel' seemed to me a bit weak choice in this line

sometimes i feel like
spring comes too soon, Maybe it would connect better to 'torrent' a few lines down, if you wrote 'fast', 'hastily' etc. instead of 'soon'?
like it Maybe drop this line?
always comes in a torrent. Maybe add 'it' to the start of this line instead?

i feel like Maybe drop this line?
i need a dam, need to hold
back the onslaught. Seemed a bit vague (other than it being a reference to water). Onslaught of what?

like i'm going to get caught Maybe drop 'like'?
up, rushed downstream.

my pieces scattered;
my bedrock,
gone. I enjoyed these last two lines

Sorry if this was too much, but I think there's good potential in this poem, so I guess I got a little carried away. I like the ideas of the metaphors/images. My notes are of course JMHO, to do with what you want. Is there a reason that you didn't capitalize anything? Thanks for the read

[Magpie]

Hi loraineraleigh,
I liked this poem and thought that the images you used worked very well as metaphors for what you were trying to convey. I also liked the way each stanza became progressively shorter over the whole of the poem to reinforce that feeling of being worn away, with that in mind I think that the last stanza would possibly be better split up so that the word 'gone' was on its own right at the end of the poem.
Everything else has already been said by Volaticus, all good advice.
Thanks for the read.
AR

[Magpie]

Hi,
Its me again, just wanted to say thanks for commenting on my poem -

"RE: Sunsets of Bliss.
I like it. The imagery is really vivid. My only critisism is that the capitalization seems random and I don't understand what they're supposed to mean, and it's a little bit jarring."

I didn't want to post this on my poem because it would take it back to the top of the list and it has been around a while so I'd rather give another poem a chance.
As regards all the random capital letters, it seems to be an accepted practice by poets to be able to capitalise words that they deem to be important. I have seen it used many times in poetry that I have read, especially words like Time and Soul. Although saying that it should be used sparingly and I tend to use it probably too much, so I understand when you say that, "it's a little bit jarring."
You are right I it is something I shall be more careful of.
Thanks again for the comments.
AR

[dusboss]

The flow of the poem is really great it goes easily and it is nice to read it, but me personally like poems with more emotion, I just can't feel much of it, but that's maybe just me.