a quiet coronation

[BrotherKaramazov]

in the subway tunnels,
the black ventricles
of the metropolitan organism,
there's a haloed saint--
beard crawling with demons
and earwigs and spirits--
a chemotherapeutic particle
in the bloodstream of the city.
above the surface,
rebar, the bones of granite monoliths,
sway with his passing:
reeds shaken in the wind.
on the platform
a panhandler prays pennies
for his tin;
he, who once glutted
on ethereal hors d'oeuvres,
now a god in the gutter
smoking herb.
our saint,
with organic tendrils of living light
blossoming from a cowlick at a point
behind his crown,
kneels on the ground,
glazed with piss,
and anoints his head with chicken grease.
a quiet coronation
which only cherubim and pigeons
alight to witness.

[rowens]

This poem seems to be going in all the right directions without getting anywhere. At one and the same time, it feels like it needs to be trimmed and added to. There's nothing really wrong with it, I like the way it thinly scales down the side of the page. Something feels too stiff about it. But I almost like it.

And I might like it if I read it a few more times. Let me see.

[BrotherKaramazov]

haha, well thank you! I'm not sure how to apply your criticism, but i really appreciate the read! Perhaps the best criticism that i can take from you is "maybe this thing isn't finished"... is that about right? I can take that.

thanks,
Corey

---

also let me know how subsequent reads go

[rowens]

I don't like to tell people what to do when they have something that might work. It feels like it's missing something, but I feel like it shouldn't say too much more. It's interesting enough for me to be not sure if I like it as it is yet.

[BrotherKaramazov]

thank you very much.

[rowens]

On one hand, it feels a bit over-written. But then I kind of like the centipede feeling of it that makes up for that. I think it fits the subject. In situations like this, I usually ask the person to post another poem soon, so I can get a deeper perspective.

[BrotherKaramazov]

i will gladly fulfill that request.

[Magpie]

Hi BrotherKaramazov, great name by the way. Thank you for this read, your first offering on the site I see. You use the language very well and your images are well constructed and vivid in their effect.
I kind of agree that it doesn't really lead to anywhere or perhaps I'm missing something somewhere, but I have read it three times now, the first was a bit of a whirlwind where I got lost in the wonderfully descriptive images, but it is making more sense even as I read it again now.
Cheers, I look forward to your next poem.

[BrotherKaramazov]

Thank you--
I really appreciate re-reads; i know that can be tedious.

and it's probably ruining the grand purpose of poetry if i reveal my intention (But then again, perhaps that's how you can help me):

I intended to tell a story of a good man paying respects to a poor man. The good man is the Saint, who sees a man in the gutter and recognizes him as his spiritual brother. He believes this man lived with God once, and is struck by the terrible irony that this man now lives in the gutter. and so he pays him respects by kneeling before him and kneeling--like you would before a king.

i took as my inspiration Jesus' parable of the leven, as well as some of the writings of Kierkegaard, who taught that one good person can subvert a whole system from the inside out-- just by being a good person. "one good person can change the world" sorta thing. Hence, I wanted to convey that this Saint rocked a whole city by his goodness-- hence the buildings sway with his passing like a reed in the wind.

I take heart that although i've been guilty of a little bit of abstraction you still find quality in the texture of the words/images. I'm going to try to do some clean-up and see if i can't do both (i.e. have a poem that sounds good linguistically AND makes sense!)

thanks for the feedback!!

[Volaticus]

I really want to compliment on all the vivid, imaginative images in this poem. I was first going to say that I didn't fully understand where you were going with this poem, but after a few re-reads and reading your explanation, it's much clearer. Thanks a lot for the read

[BrotherKaramazov]

I really want to compliment on all the vivid, imaginative images in this poem. I was first going to say that I didn't fully understand where you were going with this poem, but after a few re-reads and reading your explanation, it's much clearer. Thanks a lot for the read

no, thank YOU!
it's a wonderful kindness when readers exert some energy/effort trying to interpret what you've wrote. thanks for being that sort of reader!

[serge gurkski]

in the subway tunnels,
the black ventricles
of the metropolitan organism,
there's a haloed saint--
beard crawling with demons
and earwigs and spirits--
a chemotherapeutic particle
in the bloodstream of the city.
above the surface,
rebar, the bones of granite monoliths,
sway with his passing:
reeds shaken in the wind.
on the platform
a panhandler prays pennies
for his tin;
he, who once glutted
on ethereal hors d'oeuvres,
now a god in the gutter
smoking herb.
our saint,
with organic tendrils of living light
blossoming from a cowlick at a point
behind his crown,
kneels on the ground,
glazed with piss,
and anoints his head with chicken grease.
a quiet coronation
which only cherubim and pigeons
alight to witness.

good stuff! Thank you for the read.
cheers
serge