The Feeling

[vtsai01]

The Feeling

I miss the feeling of thinking,
about another, about our future,
My, smiles rise from those images.

I miss the feeling of being,
next to another, on another,
The scent of oils on the cloth.

I miss the feeling of spending,
my time, energy, and even worries,
Oh, the effort we put in.

I miss the feeling of feeling,
in general, from the thoughts, presence,
and times with another.

Missing is a feeling I'd like to replace with actual feelings.


-Viv

[Todd]

Hi Viv, welcome to the site! Here are some comments for you.

The Feeling

I miss the feeling of thinking,--while there's some irony in this line. It is exceptionally hard to pull of an emotional response from a poem that does its best to be vague and emotionally distant
about another, about our future,--this change up feels a bit off transitioning from the more distant another and then to our
My, smiles rise from those images.--just like there is a thought of a feeling earlier. You tell us of images without grounding the line with any imagery. Something to consider

I miss the feeling of being,
next to another, on another,
The scene of oils on the cloth. --maybe cut the second the, but I like this line for its image

I miss the feeling of spending,
my time, energy, and even worries,
Oh, the effort we put in.--too vague. It needs more concrete imagery.

I miss the feeling of feeling,
in general, from the thoughts, presence,--in general sounds conversational but it is mostly filler that can be cut
and times with another.

Missing is a feeling I'd like to replace with actual feelings.--this line could work if you built to it by displaying the missing feeling with imagery.


-Viv

I hope some of that was helpful.

Best,

Todd

[Volaticus]

The Feeling

I miss the feeling of thinking, I don't think comma's needed
about another, about our future, another what?
My, smiles rise from those images. Unless you mean 'oh my', there shouldn't be a comma. You talk about images, but they're not shown.

I miss the feeling of being, Doesn't need comma
next to another, on another, By only writing 'another', and not 'another person' (etc) makes it sound odd to me. If you're talking about a specific person, you could write 'each other'.
The scene of oils on the cloth. There's an image here. The poem could definitely benefit from more images.

I miss the feeling of spending, No comma
my time, energy, and even worries, This and the line above doesn't seem complete. Should 'spending' be 'sharing'?
Oh, the effort we put in.

I miss the feeling of feeling,
in general, from the thoughts, presence,
and times with another.

Missing is a feeling I'd like to replace with actual feelings. This line doesn't work for me


-Viv

Just some thoughts.
Best,

[lainey]

The Feeling

I miss the feeling of thinking,
about another, about our future,
My, smiles rise from those images. My? This was jarring on my first reading

I miss the feeling of being, Opening your stanzas like this repeatedly makes them seem like journal entries. You should inject some imagery - metaphor etc.
next to another, on another,
The scent of oils on the cloth.

I miss the feeling of spending,
my time, energy, and even worries,
Oh, the effort we put in.

I miss the feeling of feeling,
in general, from the thoughts, presence,
and times with another.

Missing is a feeling I'd like to replace with actual feelings. This line is really awkward, out of place. On first reading I thought you were making a comment that was apart from your poem.


-Viv