Spring Flower

[eli]

Sunrise returns today.
From my dreams, I make my way
and roosters call and slay
all my morning away.
Temperature remaining
and everything undying
with absolute zero being
all there is surrounding,
and I go to work again
like my fellow man
and brush my feet with sand
in my garden's land.
The city appears at my feet
a normal garden incomplete.
From my hose water leaks
but a new flower from my garden peeks

I had not planted this vibrant flower
Nor asked anyone to plant her for me
As I have done with all others before her.
She is different from them, from my dreams
She was spoken of by those angels I have seen
How could I not have planted this new flower?
She changes the landscape of my garden and
The sand transforms to ripened earth, earth of eternity and
Wind arcs down from the sky and shatters the death,
Absolute zero melts into itself and all at once
A Kansas prairie envelops around me, throwing me
Into a fire swept wind of passionate fulfillment,
Emotions of unfelt magnitude from the roots of life.

But what am I to say, to my Spring Flower?
How long will she stay?
I fear to speak a single word,
As she might leave too early.
I'll water her roots and give her sunlight,
Hoping it will be enough of my love
For a frozen land under my feet no more,
And light will forever shine, for my Spring Flower.

[PoetryAndPhysics]

Hello eli. Some comments.

Not great as it stands, in need of editing (half, at least, should go). It feels like the initial impulse for the poem gave way around S2, which reads as prose to me. But… I do like your writing. You don’t use that much trite phrasing, to my ear. So yeah, keep at it (I recon you don’t need me telling you that ). Example of things I like: roosters slaying the morning away, “Wind arcs the sky and shatters death” (sounds better that way).

I’d nix the gerunds as your second grouping of rhymes in S1, they can sound annoying in excess (also, not too long ago someone gave me the same advice, so, passing it along).

Some image notes. Words like “city” do a lot of work on their own without the writer providing input: I instantly picture Midtown Manhattan skyscrapers on a summer day. You need to make this particular incarnation of “city” unique to me by adding specifics. “Absolute zero” has similar problems; I get an image (very cold, stuff I was taught in thermodynamics, maybe some icicles) but what does that have to do with your poem? Don’t just write “absolute zero” because it’s a non-trite thing which conjures up an image. Consider your words carefully, try to make them particular to the poem at hand, if that makes sense.

Think that’s it for now. Did enjoy the read.

Gary

[lewis taylor]

Hi Eli,

In writing about nature, you've got some pretty stiff competition. Marvell, Wordsworth and Goethe (sometimes) to name a few. Of course, this isn't to say that you shouldn't bother with it, it just means writing of a flower/garden requires a lot of effort and depth if it's to pack a punch, so to speak (for a truly packed punch, I suggest reading Marvell's 'The Garden' or Wordsworth's 'Daffodils'). As trueenigma said at the end of the first stanza, you need to be more descriptive. Having said that, amateur poems like these can come off tacky and yours doesn't. When it does pull through, it pulls through well.

As for structure, I wouldn't worry yourself with rhyme quite so much. Rhyme, for me anyway, works when it is consistent, and more importantly when the meter is consistent. Your rhythm isn't bad but the on-and-off rhyming makes it all a little confusing.

A nice poem all in all, I quite enjoyed reading it despite all I've said.
Cheers.

[eli]

Thank you all for your comments. After receiving all these comments on my three poems on here so far I'm realizing what I have to do with my poetry to improve. Thanks!

[tectak]

Hi eli,
I think you still struggle with rhymes, preferring to use words wrongly JUST to squeeze assonance in where it won't go. Line by line.

Sunrise returns today.Weak opener. No surprise in it.
From my dreams, I make my way
and roosters call and slayYou do not "slay" something away. Wrong word use just for the forced rhyme. The meter is out, too. Look:

Sunrise surprise, a cloudless day;
hauled from my dreams, I'm dragged away.
Alarmed, spruce roosters herald May!
Spring pulls me out of morning's grey.

....or something. Now, try to keep the same rhythm in the next stanza


all my morning away.
Temperature remainingTemperature does that. It is ALWAYS there. What DO you mean? In two words you can write nonsense. Do you mean Temperature holding/rising/falling/dropping/freezing? Any bloody thing but "remaining" Remaining what?
and everything undyingYou may just get away with the zombie dawn but it is out of place in this romantic quagmire...I fear that the worst is yet to come.
with absolute zero beingI very much doubt that. At -273deg. C you should have stayed in bed...the rooster is dead, too.
all there is surrounding,You have just been in Gerund Avenue. "-ing" words are to be avoided at line ends. You will find yourself spoilt for choice of the end-ing and will then make a monumentally hopeless forced rhym-ing. "being" and "surrounding" is typical. As long as you can content yourself with the -ing you will make pathetically simplistic rhymes. Work for your poetry.
and I go to work againVery weak and almost disconnected from the rest of the piece. You are now going to try to justify this non-event...wait for it!
like my fellow man Yippeee! A bloody whacking great cliche. We are off!
and brush my feet with sandand, and. Great word, and. Rhymes with sand,band, grand, stand, land, hand...let's see. Hmmm. I like "sand". Yep. Got it. I will brush my feet with sand. Awfull. Just awfull. You are not really sure where your are going now. The whole thing is unravelling. Anything will do. Stop. Take stock. Look at what you are writing. Read it out loud. Get your "plan" in place. Tighten your belt.
in my garden's land.
The city appears at my feetcliche
a normal garden incomplete. Please, help me to "see" your garden. This tells me what it isn't, not what it is. Imagery needed. Metaphor warning in these lines...the city at your feet? Not helping
From my hose water leaks
but a new flower from my garden peeksNow you are taking the piss. This is a massive disconnect. Your hose leaks BUT a flower grows. What is the connection? My hose leeks but Tescos sell fish. Sheeesh.

I had not planted this vibrant flowerDisconnect. You just said it "peeks". This is a timid, shrinking, shy flower. It peeks. It is not an oomp-pa-pa, in yer face, bloody great Triffid of a thing. It peeks, for Pete's sake. It is not "Vibrant" in any sense of the word.
Nor asked anyone to plant her for me
As I have done with all others before her.
She is different from them, from my dreams
She was spoken of by those angels I have seen
How could I not have planted this new flower?Yep. You have now given up. No rhythm, rhyme nor cliched reason.I should stop now but you need help...so just the problems, no snide comments.
She changes the landscape of my garden andand-and again. Sand will come , I bet. This is nursery rhyme stuff. Stop it
The sand transforms to ripened earth, earth of eternity andYep. Sand again.
Wind arcs down from the sky and shatters the death,This is rubbish and has no merit whatsoever.
Absolute zero melts into itself and all at onceThis is rubbish and has no merit whatsoever
A Kansas prairie envelops around me, throwing me"envelops", not "envelops around". Envelops means "around"
Into a fire swept wind of passionate fulfillment,You cannot envelop "in" to something. Poor, non existent word control.
Emotions of unfelt magnitude from the roots of life.If it is "unfelt" it is of no consequence. "I watched him move invisibly across the ground" Do you see anything wrong with this sentence?

But what am I to say, to my Spring Flower?
How long will she stay?
I fear to speak a single word,
As she might leave too early.
I'll water her roots and give her sunlight,
Hoping it will be enough of my love
For a frozen land under my feet no more,
And light will forever shine, for my Spring Flower.Hopelessly romantic over hyperbolic twaddle. And...and....and...oh, the hell with it

You may get some others on serious to give you more in depth advice. I hope you do. From my perspective, and all is opinion, you are not yet fully cooked. It is commendable that you wish to write poetry but you simply must READ before you WRITE. You are just not applying yourself in any of the critical areas of poetic endeavour ( any one would suffice to get you a point or two). Oddly, you make few spelling mistakes but then again you use no "big" words...so that is a point in your favour, I suppose.
You are hopelessly over-romantic and do not have the word control to express such emotional traits. Do try again. I cannot say that I will be able to offer you anything more...and I am already concerned that you may self-destruct on this forum.
Best,
tectak

[eli]

Do realize that all the poems I have posted are older ones I haven't completed anything new because, hence the reason for joining this site, I want to find out where my strengths and weaknesses are. I know my vocabulary isn't great, but to assume I don't read poetry and try to apply myself isn't correct. My favorite poets are Auden, Yeats, Keats, and Oppen, so far. I haven't written much since really starting to study them, so that's why it appears in these poems as though I'm not really applying myself, although I was attempting to somewhat. I appreciate your help, however, and I look forward what you have to say in the future. Thanks!

[tectak]

Do realize that all the poems I have posted are older ones I haven't completed anything new because, hence the reason for joining this site, I want to find out where my strengths and weaknesses are. I know my vocabulary isn't great, but to assume I don't read poetry and try to apply myself isn't correct. My favorite poets are Auden, Yeats, Keats, and Oppen, so far. I haven't written much since really starting to study them, so that's why it appears in these poems as though I'm not really applying myself, although I was attempting to somewhat. I appreciate your help, however, and I look forward what you have to say in the future. Thanks!

A pleasure.
Best,
tectak (take what is good and dispose of the rest....including (and mostly) from me.)