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Threads: 4
Joined: Apr 2013
Black rubber slips,
riding the torrent,
a bastion of power:
snapping trees,
inviting trepidation.
Clingy clothes slap,
air currents abuse
each flexing branch,
coarsely chastising
tenacious leaves.
Creaky bicycle never
expected the madness;
forest shows no mercy
until the storm abates.
Tempest recedes
and, for a brief,
fabric can breathe.
Drops fall from
flying chrome pedals.
Posts: 5,057
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Joined: Dec 2009
hi buck, at first i thought it was about river rapids. i'd suggest to make ambigous but not enough so the reader takes the wrong ride. keep your eye on the enjambment,
Clingy clothes slap,
air currents abuse
each flexing branch,
Clingy clothes slap air;
currents abuse each flexing branch,
just a suggestion of how end jambs can be flexible
(04-24-2013, 11:10 AM)Buck Wrote: Black rubber slips,
riding the torrent,
a bastion of power:
snapping trees,
inviting trepidation. the last 3 lines feel to poetic, try an use an image the reader can relate to. ( if fear didn't glue my arse to the saddle i'd shit my pants) i went wacky so you wouldn't use it, just suggesting how it might be improved.
Clingy clothes slap,
air currents abuse
each flexing branch,
coarsely chastising
tenacious leaves.
Creaky bicycle never
expected the madness;
forest shows no mercy
until the storm abates.
Tempest recedes
and, for a brief,
fabric can breathe.
Drops fall from
flying chrome pedals.
The lines sound stiff and read like a stacked pile. Maybe you wanted something like that?
Posts: 14
Threads: 4
Joined: Apr 2013
(04-24-2013, 09:30 PM)rowens Wrote: The lines sound stiff and read like a stacked pile. Maybe you wanted something like that?
I tried to make it sound as tense as possible, not really smooth, and a slightly panicked tone. Does that come through well? I didn't want it to be the smoothest and calmest poem possible.
It has that start and stop, then start again feel on every line.
It sounds like some of those short form poems that I don't know much about.
I don't think it sounds very panicked because the pace is so slow. Unless maybe it's a suppressed panic.
Posts: 14
Threads: 4
Joined: Apr 2013
(04-24-2013, 09:48 PM)rowens Wrote: It has that start and stop, then start again feel on every line.
It sounds like some of those short form poems that I don't know much about.
I don't think it sounds very panicked because the pace is so slow. Unless maybe it's a suppressed panic.
Awesome! Panicked may not be the right word. Probably nervous and scattered could work better.
