The Cherries of D.C.

[Buck]

Brown trees stand,
loaded springs,
anxiously anticipating
one moment of
climatic perfection:
hidden pink unveiled
in a flare of petals.


---


Could use title suggestions... it seems weak!

This poem refers to the cherry blossom trees in the District of Columbia which just bloomed recently, and which were my inspiration for this piece.

[shemthepenman]

Hello, the title seems ok.

The first two lines are great. but the rest is a bit empty and cliche. Also, anthropomorphism just seems a bit lazy. If you want to persist with this one, I would suggest three word changes: anxiously, anticipating and clima... oh, I read climactic I swear I am going fucking word blind.

[Buck]

Hello, the title seems ok.

The first two lines are great. but the rest is a bit empty and cliche. Also, anthropomorphism just seems a bit lazy. If you want to persist with this one, I would suggest three word changes: anxiously, anticipating and clima... oh, I read climactic I swear I am going fucking word blind.

Thank you for your comment. I agree that some of it seems cliché, but that's why I was hoping for some suggestions in giving the subject some more depth! And yes, you're not the only one to have read this and confused climatic with climactic. Why do you suggest those word changes: "anxiously anticipating"?

[shemthepenman]

hello, I suggest these word changes simply because it would remove the anthropomorphism. It is much better to reverse the metaphor (that is, to make man a tree and not a tree a man). A tree doesn't 'anxiously anticipate' anything, people do. The trick may be not to show how the process of non-human nature relates to me but how I relate to non-human nature. That is, I do not find anything 'new' in thinking emotions in objects, but I may find something new within my own experience if I am able to be literal about the world around me. or something like that.
Personally, I would alter the words to, "until that" or something equally 'unwordy'.

[Buck]

hello, I suggest these word changes simply because it would remove the anthropomorphism. It is much better to reverse the metaphor (that is, to make man a tree and not a tree a man). A tree doesn't 'anxiously anticipate' anything, people do. The trick may be not to show how the process of non-human nature relates to me but how I relate to non-human nature. That is, I do not find anything 'new' in thinking emotions in objects, but I may find something new within my own experience if I am able to be literal about the world around me. or something like that.
Personally, I would alter the words to, "until that" or something equally 'unwordy'.

Ah I see what you mean. I'll work on it right now and see what I can do! Good suggestion - hadn't thought about relationships between human/nature vs. nature/human that way.

[heslopian]

I like the title, personally; it adds uniqueness, realism and even dialect in its abbreviation of cherry blossom trees to cherries (though that did initially cause me confusion, before I read the note explaining that you mean trees and not cherries the foodstuff). The poem itself is a compact and effective conveyance of a natural wonder, reminding me of similar works by Philip Larkin - like "The Trees": http://www.poemhunter.com/best-poems/phi...the-trees/ - and Emily Dickinson. My one suggestion would be that you replace "one" with "a moment", as "one" implies that this is the only time the trees will blossom/ All critique is JMHO, of course. Thanks for the read

[Buck]

I like the title, personally; it adds uniqueness, realism and even dialect in its abbreviation of cherry blossom trees to cherries (though that did initially cause me confusion, before I read the note explaining that you mean trees and not cherries the foodstuff). The poem itself is a compact and effective conveyance of a natural wonder, reminding me of similar works by Philip Larkin - like "The Trees": http://www.poemhunter.com/best-poems/phi...the-trees/ - and Emily Dickinson. My one suggestion would be that you replace "one" with "a moment", as "one" implies that this is the only time the trees will blossom/ All critique is JMHO, of course. Thanks for the read

Heslopian, I actually picked "one" specifically because the trees only bloom once a year, and the blooms last for less than a week. That's why I figured "one moment" would work better than "a moment" because of the singular nature of the event itself annually.

[Buck]

Brown trees stand,
loaded springs,
anxiously anticipating
one moment of
climatic perfection:
hidden pink unveiled
in a flare of petals.


---


Could use title suggestions... it seems weak!

This poem refers to the cherry blossom trees in the District of Columbia which just bloomed recently, and which were my inspiration for this piece.

I had written some comments and forgot about the scheduled updates for the Pig Pen today. So, as they are lost, I'll briefly (very briefly) restate.

There is much to like here in a poem with seven lines. Your poem is succinct and the images are memorable.

"Flare" tripped me up only in so far as it reminded me of flames and cherry blossoms are mentioned in the poem as being pink in color. The "fl" and "r" sounds in "flare", however, remind me of flora. Perhaps cherry blossoms vary somewhat in regards to color.

Like shemthpenman, I read "climatic" as its cousin word. That seemed to fit the feel in regards to the poem.

Thank you! Glad to hear you enjoyed it.

I used the word flare in conjunction with petals because the petals open up and "flare out" when they bloom.

I think "climatic" or "climactic" work whether you read it correctly or not because the trees reach the climax of germination when they bloom, but they also await the perfect climate to bloom.

They do not bloom if it is too cold, which it had been in D.C. for a while this year. The blooms were about a week later than usual!

[Heartafire]

The Cherries of D.C.
Brown trees stand,
loaded springs,
anxiously anticipating
one moment of
climatic perfection:


A lovely image. I find the first two lines the weakest, lacking the beauty that follows. This here:

hidden pink unveiled
in a flare of petals

breathtaking!

[Buck]

A lovely image. I find the first two lines the weakest, lacking the beauty that follows. This here:

hidden pink unveiled
in a flare of petals

breathtaking!

I'm actually kind of glad you thought the ending was more beautiful than the beginning. Just as the trees go from bland and brown to pink and vibrant, so did I want this poem to do the same thing!

[Volaticus]

I just have to compliment the last two lines. It makes a beautiful contrast. Thanks for the read