Literay Legacy

[philoinlove]

I would go to the library
when I was small
and inhale the pungency of literacy.
Small lungs
Devouring
Big words, ideas, legacies.
My sack full,
My mother led my hand
Towards the elevator
Down to the first floor
Where a round pink woman
With round pink glasses
Would wait smiling at me.
Anticipation
Rose with every swipe.
Stories,
Fantasies,
Dream escapes
All for me in my bag.
I’ll bring them back in a month
Or two.

[milo]

I would go to the library
when I was small
and inhale the pungency of literacy.
Small lungs
Devouring
Big words, ideas, legacies.
My sack full,
My mother led my hand
Towards the elevator
Down to the first floor
Where a round pink woman
With round pink glasses
Would wait smiling at me.
Anticipation
Rose with every swipe.
Stories,
Fantasies,
Dream escapes
All for me in my bag.
I’ll bring them back in a month
Or two.

You know there is a great smell of slightly mouldering pages and ink that mixes with the aroma of cofee and makes me think of hours spent reading in the library. It's too bad "literacy" doesn't have a smell or I might be able to connect with the idea of inhaling it IYKWIM.

Phrases like "I would go to" are weak and passive forms of "I went"

The bad grammar and random capitilisation are not working.

The line breaks here are . . . terrible, as haphazard as possible. Throwing a dart at a page might produce a better effect, or it might not.

You have a great idea here - a trip to the library and the whimsy that goes with it, you need to focus more on the details to bring it to life (round lady with round pink glasses)

good luck and thanks for sharing.

milo

[tectak]

I would go to the libraryWeak opener of indeterminate tense and reversible syntax. You went when small, but not when big. You mean "young" and would avoid the repetition of "small" in the lung department.
when I was small
and inhale the pungency of literacy....but this is apposite and believable, though I am not sure that "literacy" is as clean a metaphor ar "literature". Good. Now punctuate your work. See forum posting rules. Do not capitalise every line. It is defunct and confusing...particularly in the absence of any punctuation. You wrote:"When I was small small lungs devouring big words, ideas, legacies." Does this seem correct to you?
Small lungs
Devouring
Big words, ideas, legacies.
My sack full,
My mother led my hand
Towards the elevator
Down to the first floor
Where a round pink woman
With round pink glasses
Would wait smiling at me."My sack full, my mother..." is flaky. Tidy it up to clarify. I like the idea of mother "leading" your hand. Again, good observation...just badly portrayed. Nor very badly, though. Your tenses are now Tardis. My mother "led", the lady "would" wait?
Anticipation
Rose with every swipe.What is this saying? I do not know why this line is here; furthermore your line breaks are now nonsensical. You must think it is poetic. It is not.
Stories,
Fantasies,
Dream escapes
All for me in my bag.You are getting linguine. The page is wide enough to get at least four words across. Why line breaks?
I’ll bring them back in a month
Or two.

I appear to have hijacked milo's thread. No idea how; but as we appear to agree, it is of little consequence. Good idea. Read your work and correct basic issues befor posting in Serious.
Best,
tectak

You know there is a great smell of slightly moudering pages and ink that mixes with the aroma of cofee and makes me think of hours spent reading in the library. It's too bad "literacy" doesn't have a smell or I might be able to connect with the idea of inhaling it IYKWIM.

Phrases like "I would go to" are weak and passive forms of "I went"

The bad grammar and random capitilisation are not working.

The line breaks here are . . . terrible, as haphazard as possible. Throwing a dart at a page might produce a better effect, or it might not.

You have a great idea here - a trip to the library and the whimsy that goes with it, you need to focus more on the details to bring it to life (round lady with round pink glasses)

good luck and thanks for sharing.

milo

[Todd]

You can never escape you can only move south down the coast. I tried making that one into a sonnet. One of my favorites.

Hey True, I appreciate the thought here, but can you give a bit more in Serious Critique? It doesn't have to be line by line, but this is a bit too brief of a comment. If you'd already done a more extensive critique it would be fine for some of the give and take that goes on later in a thread.

Thanks