The List

[allykat727]

I had an assignment in my creative writing class to do a piece in the form of a list. Had a lot of fun with it

The chance, fresh air, the classes, the tours,
the nausea and aches, the water, the shoes,
the creature, the mentor, the come back soon,
the lesson, the lesson, the lesson that sweeps,
the bits and the balcony, smiles and sleep.

The day and the night, the fires, the spark,
the burn and the warmth, the judging desire,
the cancer, the cancer, the scratch in the throat,
the cancer, the cancer, the wandering alone.

The smile, the smile, the plane for a while,
the home, the air, so fresh, so smile,
the moments, the moments, the moments go by,
unpacking, and cleaning, and packing, unpacking,
and back at the room, four walls in the room,
the white and the wood and the mud and the crumbs,
the weight of the world, the reason behind,
the racing and pacing and screaming and chasing
and waiting to find.

The purchase, the pop, the ringing in ears,
the water, the water, more water and water,
the fidget, the shake, the twitch and the quake,
the voices, the shocks, the cordial hello,
the hundred, two hundreds, one thousand, disgust,
the night every night, getting hit by a bus,
the heart beat, the sleep, the grinding of teeth,
the wake up, roll over, the night isn’t over,
the papers, the plants, the ashes, enough,
the shower, the water, the soap and the brush,
the pictures, the poems, the stories and files,
the sleep and the dreams and the musical style,
the duffel, the mix, the makeup, not makeup,
the ups and the downs, the empty, the waiting,
the highs and the lows and the empty, the waiting,
the waiting, the waiting, the impulse, the buy,
the water, more water, the tremble, the eyes,
the papers, the papers, the work and the hands,
the timing, the typing and empty demands,
the guilt and the shame and the sickness that spreads,
the inhale, the exhale, the night of the dead.

The stomach that lurches,
the heart that curves,
the hands that circle,
the veins that fight,
speed up, slow down, control, control,
the inhale, the stop, the darkness, the light.

[milo]

Well, as list poetry goes, it is not bad. There is plenty of "awareness" of sonics and meter throughout but not quite enough "attention" to it. Kind of like "I could write this a lot better but I don't really care". It is mostly iambic tetrameter (except when it's not) and the meter is held in place by so many articles that just reading the word "the" gets a little tedious by the end. Also, maybe too much stream of consciousness.

The repetition - again, mostly good but once again, except when it's not. The first few times I loved it as so many writers of list poetry and novice writers are either too scared to use repetion or use it in all the wrong spots and the first few usages were spot on but a couple later were lazy and then you missed the repetition on "the hands" (which would have been better as "my hands anyway"). There are a couple spots where you technically break out of the list format imo (so fresh, so smile)

Overall, again, nice effort, much here that is good but I have a feeling you didn't go through the editing process very thoroughly and I will enjoy it much more after it is edited (I think)

milo

[allykat727]

Well, as list poetry goes, it is not bad. There is plenty of "awareness" of sonics and meter throughout but not quite enough "attention" to it. Kind of like "I could write this a lot better but I don't really care". It is mostly iambic tetrameter (except when it's not) and the meter is held in place by so many articles that just reading the word "the" gets a little tedious by the end. Also, maybe too much stream of consciousness.

The repetition - again, mostly good but once again, except when it's not. The first few times I loved it as so many writers of list poetry and novice writers are either too scared to use repetion or use it in all the wrong spots and the first few usages were spot on but a couple later were lazy and then you missed the repetition on "the hands" (which would have been better as "my hands anyway"). There are a couple spots where you technically break out of the list format imo (so fresh, so smile)

Overall, again, nice effort, much here that is good but I have a feeling you didn't go through the editing process very thoroughly and I will enjoy it much more after it is edited (I think)

milo

Hey milo, thanks a lot for the input. I have never written list poetry before so it was a fun change. You are right, it was very stream of consciousness and there wasn't much of an editing process. Also, I can see how the repetition of 'the' can get tedious. Initially, I really liked it, but if overused it can loose its knack. Looking forward to taking a deeper look and making some edits. Thanks again!