Hello,
This isn't a particularly cheerful poem, but I had feelings that needed to be expressed some way.
I wish I could touch you without wanting to hurt myself
every time you are near
the pain creeps to the surface
a self defining torment that I can not let go
If I could love anything it would be you
I would love you so much
I would have to let you go
Protect you from the aberration I have become
Hate is what the abused call love
I can see you
and know you are better than that
Better than me
I wish I could touch you without wanting to hurt myself
Though it might be a simplistic poem, in the way it's put together; I know a lot of people that feel this way, for one reason or another. I've felt this way. It could be worked on, in an artistic way. But the feeling, and the backbone of the poem is there. It depends on what you want to do with it.
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I got a sense of the strong emotions in the poem, right from the title. But I miss some clearer images to really express those feelings. And the lack of punctuation, to me, isn't doing any good. Thanks for the read
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04-19-2013, 07:59 AM
(This post was last modified: 04-19-2013, 07:59 AM by billy.)
keep aware of cliche, L2, 6 and 7. be aware of lines that don't say enough. L2, 6, and 7.. most of the poem is tell. you explain what's happening. show the reader with an image or two. or make the narrative original and hold the readers attention. use some poetic devices other than line ends.
don't be despondent the feedback, my early stuff was way worse than this
(04-19-2013, 03:50 AM)sunfury Wrote: Hello,
This isn't a particularly cheerful poem, but I had feelings that needed to be expressed some way.
I wish I could touch you without wanting to hurt myself
every time you are near
the pain creeps to the surface
a self defining torment that I can not let go
If I could love anything it would be you
I would love you so much
I would have to let you go
Protect you from the aberration I have become
Hate is what the abused call love
I can see you
and know you are better than that
Better than me
I wish I could touch you without wanting to hurt myself
Posts: 13
Threads: 5
Joined: Jan 2013
This clearly captures a feeling that some people find very relatable. I think the idea of the poem makes for a solid infrastructure, and you could definitely lengthen the poem and build upon it. You could also take it in a more "poetic" direction and throw in some imagery or what have you, however there is nothing wrong with a simplistic poem like what you've got going on right now and I am fond of how blunt it is.
