Posts: 22
Threads: 7
Joined: Apr 2013
Your forefathers: in their places you shall die,
And on their land your cold bodies will lie.
For a grim man whom you shall never see,
Shall send you to war with one way to flee.
You shall find the same as your forefathers gore,
And die, as they died, in the very same corp.
Every generation shall look upon Death.
As larger amounts of men breath their last breath.
Every generation more blood flows.
And every generation death grows.
They are the ones convinced to seek false honor,
Instead they find merely pointless slaughter.
The men far above shall never see pain,
Instead they begin endless wars in vain.
As forefather passes to son endlessly,
And as death endures for all eternity.
It feels like a scrolling list of war, time and death. That is ok. And almost excuses all the periods. The rhymes are mostly sounding forced though, with not much going on with them.
Your forefathers: in their places you shall die,
And on their land your cold bodies will lie.
For a grim man whom you shall never see,
the comma might not be important here, or put one after man, or leave it as it is
Shall send you to war with one way to flee.
You shall find the same as your forefathers gore,
And die, as they died, in the very same corp.
Every generation shall look upon Death.
As larger amounts of men breath their last breath.
breathe
Every generation more blood flows.
And every generation death grows.
They are the ones convinced to seek false honor,
Instead they find merely pointless slaughter.
The men far above shall never see pain,
Instead they begin endless wars in vain.
As forefather passes to son endlessly,
And as death endures for all eternity.
Posts: 22
Threads: 7
Joined: Apr 2013
(04-18-2013, 12:31 AM)rowens Wrote: It feels like a scrolling list of war, time and death. That is ok. And almost excuses all the periods. The rhymes are mostly sounding forced though, with not much going on with them.
Your forefathers: in their places you shall die,
And on their land your cold bodies will lie.
For a grim man whom you shall never see,
the comma might not be important here, or put one after man, or leave it as it is
Shall send you to war with one way to flee.
You shall find the same as your forefathers gore,
And die, as they died, in the very same corp.
Every generation shall look upon Death.
As larger amounts of men breath their last breath.
breathe
Every generation more blood flows.
And every generation death grows.
They are the ones convinced to seek false honor,
Instead they find merely pointless slaughter.
The men far above shall never see pain,
Instead they begin endless wars in vain.
As forefather passes to son endlessly,
And as death endures for all eternity.
Thanks for the feedback, I have to agree, this isn't one of my best pieces. Decided to scrap it and start with a new piece. Thanks always though.
