The Lighthouse Keeper edit 1,billy,ganman

[tectak]

Aye, my rolling, fishy friends, a'bobbin' out in black thrashed, blue flashed night:
hold course for me and make no sudden slew, for I will wake for you when time is right.
Come flicker flame, do not shy out...run fast and thirsty round the ring 'til bright!

Look out! Look far! See them, pale and shriven in their prayers. Mastheads glimmerin' white
in steamin' ride, says hope is still afloat in this the wildest blow, and this the highest tide!

Ah, but how they need me now, the strangest want for sure. So yellow up, my oily friend,
and only company. Fly to my staggered, blinded boys, all washed in frothed cold brine;
they peer grim-gripped through salty sting, with vision scaled, to glimpse your lantern lance.
Fling out your long cast, time-fast beam and warn the seeking souls to keep from me.
We'll grant their wish, and wheels will judder rudders hard, to turn about and bearing break.

Thank God, they'll say, at last we see the light, and we are saved!

And they will hold themselves and tightly bond. Comrades closer by the peril past;
but me, a stranger to the day, and to the misted, fog-feart crews, I am alone.
I talk to Him and tell my tales of crashing crests and ink washed skies, of winds
that skin the dolphins' fins, and storms that suck the mercury back down the glass.
In times like these He hears my voice; though gulls rough tossed from hoisted swell,
all rise a'screaming like the babes at home. At home. At home. At home.

Aye, say I, this fire-tipped finger shan't be bent nor broken by the writhing deep!
I'll keep this watch, my rolling, fishy friends...and proudly send you harbour bound.
Tell them you saw the sweeping sign that all is fine, and I will soon be there.

Tectak
April 2013

[Ganman]

The form is a little detrimental. I'd divide it up a little more. Make use of stanzas, preferably short stanzas, so this doesn't look so intimidating. Reader-friendly's the word.

[billy]

i love the content and some of the images but i'd have liked a breather or two in between the read. sometimes such a block of writing looks daunting, it also gives the reader an intimation that it's going to be prose which this isn't. i have no problem with the line length thous i suspect some may. it does roll along at a fast pace and that adds to the intensity of the poem, that said, it does need at least a couple of breaks

thanks for the read tom

Aye, my rolling, fishy friends..a'bobbing out in black thrashed, bright flashed night:
hold fast for me and make no fatal gibe, for I will wake when time is right or wrong.
Come flicker flame, do not shy out...run fast and thirsty round the ring of light!
Look out! Look out! See them in their prayers.Mastheads a'steamin glimmer white
says hope is still afloat on this the wildest blow, the highest tide!
Ah, but how you need me now, the strangest want for sure. Yellow up, my oily friend,
and only company. Fly to my staggered, blinded boys, washed in cold brine;
see them peer to glimpse me loose your lantern lance. Fly out, my long cast,
time-fast beam and warn the salted souls to keep from me. A wish fullfilled,
the wheels will strain the rudders hard to turn about and bearing break.
Thank God they'll say, at last a sign, and we are saved!
They will hold themselves and tightly bond. Comrades closer by the peril past;
but me I am a stranger to the day, and to the misted, fog-feart crews.
I talk my tales of crashing crests and ink washed skies, of winds that skin
the dolphins fins, and storms that sucks the mercury back down the glass.
Who hears my voice when gulls are tossed from hoisted swell in to the air,
a'screaming like the babes at home. At home. At home.
Aye, this fire-tipped finger shan't be bent nor broken by the wrath of deep.
I'll keep this watch, my rolling, fishy friends...and send you harbour bound.
Tell them you saw the sweeping sign, that all is fine and I will soon be there.

Tectak
April 2013

[tectak]

The form is a little detrimental. I'd divide it up a little more. Make use of stanzas, preferably short stanzas, so this doesn't look so intimidating. Reader-friendly's the word.

Thanks ganman,
Its always easier when someone gives you your own advice! In progress, this one. Your suggestions incorporated. A way to go yet.
Best,
tectak

---

i love the content and some of the images but i'd have liked a breather or two in between the read. sometimes such a block of writing looks daunting, it also gives the reader an intimation that it's going to be prose which this isn't. i have no problem with the line length thous i suspect some may. it does roll along at a fast pace and that adds to the intensity of the poem, that said, it does need at least a couple of breaks

thanks for the read tom

Aye, my rolling, fishy friends..a'bobbing out in black thrashed, bright flashed night:
hold fast for me and make no fatal gibe, for I will wake when time is right or wrong.
Come flicker flame, do not shy out...run fast and thirsty round the ring of light!
Look out! Look out! See them in their prayers.Mastheads a'steamin glimmer white
says hope is still afloat on this the wildest blow, the highest tide!
Ah, but how you need me now, the strangest want for sure. Yellow up, my oily friend,
and only company. Fly to my staggered, blinded boys, washed in cold brine;
see them peer to glimpse me loose your lantern lance. Fly out, my long cast,
time-fast beam and warn the salted souls to keep from me. A wish fullfilled,
the wheels will strain the rudders hard to turn about and bearing break.
Thank God they'll say, at last a sign, and we are saved!
They will hold themselves and tightly bond. Comrades closer by the peril past;
but me I am a stranger to the day, and to the misted, fog-feart crews.
I talk my tales of crashing crests and ink washed skies, of winds that skin
the dolphins fins, and storms that sucks the mercury back down the glass.
Who hears my voice when gulls are tossed from hoisted swell in to the air,
a'screaming like the babes at home. At home. At home.
Aye, this fire-tipped finger shan't be bent nor broken by the wrath of deep.
I'll keep this watch, my rolling, fishy friends...and send you harbour bound.
Tell them you saw the sweeping sign, that all is fine and I will soon be there.

Tectak
April 2013

Hi billy,
I took an early shower with this one and retired for tea. The first edit is where it should have been at 1.a.m! I changed "gibe" to "slew" too. Don't know where the hell gibe came from but some nautical nuisance would spot it sooner or later so I got in first.
Not finished with this yet but the crits are cracking these days...you should all be
proud....oh, you are
Best,
tectak

[Ganman]

Now that I'm really able to look at it (the lack of stanza division made it a bit hard to examine) I'm going to suggest yet another form related change. You ought to do more with line breaks, I think. I get that you're working with a fixed form, but the form isn't quite perfect. Try tweaking it a bit. See if you can further break up those long lines. I think if you were able to divide some of these lines into two lines, it would actually help you out, with some modification of course. As is, this looks too much like prose -- the lines are too long, and I worry you're not using the medium quite well enough.

Otherwise, try reworking it a bit. If you're sticking to a closed form, make sure to stick to the closed form... keep the end rhyme strictly consistent. Sometimes, what I do with more high brow poems such as this is I neglect the end rhyme, and just worry about rhyme consistency. You can work internal rhyme and end rhyme together just as well, so that you *mimic* a fixed form, which would mean you still get that mythical or archaic feel you're aiming for. I think I see some of that already, and it almost makes the strict attention to form more obvious than it should be.

Those are my thoughts, anyway. I really like the subject matter though, and I think you have a great poem here.

[tectak]

Now that I'm really able to look at it (the lack of stanza division made it a bit hard to examine) I'm going to suggest yet another form related change. You ought to do more with line breaks, I think. I get that you're working with a fixed form, but the form isn't quite perfect. Try tweaking it a bit. See if you can further break up those long lines. I think if you were able to divide some of these lines into two lines, it would actually help you out, with some modification of course. As is, this looks too much like prose -- the lines are too long, and I worry you're not using the medium quite well enough.

Otherwise, try reworking it a bit. If you're sticking to a closed form, make sure to stick to the closed form... keep the end rhyme strictly consistent. Sometimes, what I do with more high brow poems such as this is I neglect the end rhyme, and just worry about rhyme consistency. You can work internal rhyme and end rhyme together just as well, so that you *mimic* a fixed form, which would mean you still get that mythical or archaic feel you're aiming for. I think I see some of that already, and it almost makes the strict attention to form more obvious than it should be.

Those are my thoughts, anyway. I really like the subject matter though, and I think you have a great poem here.

Hi ganman,
We may be out of synch a little here. The edit is up. The line breaks in. Those on this site who know me know I push for longer lines. It is, for most, an easy way of getting where you want to go without reducing options. It is easier to shorten than to lengthen...I agree, content is all, so I begin with prose and then decide on form...or not. I get it wrong more often than I get it right, but very much enjoy the editing process. No prima donna.
Best,
tectak