Blueblow a fuse against machineries of night

[serge gurkski]

Blueblow enraged machineries of light

for D.T., me and all the love has died

Blow blue confused and rage against
machineries of light of plastic pale
hypocrisies and hippocampic buckings
bombing back
despite the dying of delight
on the occasion of
forgiven and forget
me nots and
never
wills
it
still
stands now
all machinery it
rests and rusts all love
and long lost lust.

Oh ditty, pity me and love that's died
and dead.

And a tad dead.



Oh, are not glorious the times

when I try find the moon

with eyes a-blinkin'

cakewalking Celtic laissez-faire

and feel a sharp pain of surprise.

A Welsh lass has just buried down

her hatchet in my drunken back

sharp was the cut down fall

my song sprang into air.

;-)
---------
my cheers to the chronicler of Llareggub affairs and Burns who ken the moon and friends who hand me drinks of laughter and hot blooded my avalon so bright. G'night!
---

well well my maiden fair, my applebright, promise me this; next time we negotiate peace, let's please not use the hatchet metaphor. ;-) calumet? what you say?

[heslopian]

Blueblow enraged machineries of light

for D.T., me and all the love has died

Blow blue confused and rage against
machineries of light of plastic pale
hypocrisies and hippocampic buckings
bombing back
despite the dying of delight
on the occasion of
forgiven and forget
me nots and
never
wills
it
still
stands now
all machinery it
rests and rusts all love
and long lost lust.

Oh ditty, pity me and love that's died
and dead.

And a tad dead.



Oh, are not glorious the times

when I try find the moon "Try finding"?

with eyes a-blinkin'

cakewalking Celtic laissez-faire

and feel a sharp pain of surprise.

A Welsh lass has just buried down Is "down" needed?

her hatchet in my drunken back

sharp was the cut down fall Are "down" and "fall" needed? Also, do you mean "downfall"? And if you do mean that, shouldn't the expression be "cut's downfall"?

my song sprang into air.

;-)
---------
my cheers to the chronicler of Llareggub affairs and Burns who ken the moon and friends who hand me drinks of laughter and hot blooded my avalon so bright. G'night!
---

well well my maiden fair, my applebright, promise me this; next time we negotiate peace, let's please not use the hatchet metaphor. ;-) calumet? what you say?

I'll be honest: I have no idea what to make of this poem. It strikes me as almost dadaist in the way it eschews narrative logic, and even sense within each line. Besides the few minor points above I'm at a loss to critique it. I do kind of like some of the linguistic gymnastics in verse one, though. "Machines of light of plastic pale" is quite a poetic line, and "forgiven and forget/me nots" amused me. The lines about a "Welsh lass" sinking a hatchet into the moon-gazing narrator are also interesting.
If you work on your English, syntax and sense of narrative you may find a good poem somewhere in here; I hope that doesn't sound patronising. Critique is JMHO, thanks for the read.

P.S: Thank you, by the way, for teaching me a new word: hippocampic

[serge gurkski]

Blueblow enraged machineries of light

for D.T., me and all the love has died

Blow blue confused and rage against
machineries of light of plastic pale
hypocrisies and hippocampic buckings
bombing back
despite the dying of delight
on the occasion of
forgiven and forget
me nots and
never
wills
it
still
stands now
all machinery it
rests and rusts all love
and long lost lust.

Oh ditty, pity me and love that's died
and dead.

And a tad dead.



Oh, are not glorious the times

when I try find the moon "Try finding"?

with eyes a-blinkin'

cakewalking Celtic laissez-faire

and feel a sharp pain of surprise.

A Welsh lass has just buried down Is "down" needed? <<< No, it is not. Even if Dada. You are right.

her hatchet in my drunken back

sharp was the cut down fall Are "down" and "fall" needed? Also, do you mean "downfall"? And if you do mean that, shouldn't the expression be "cut's downfall"?

my song sprang into air.

;-)
---------
my cheers to the chronicler of Llareggub affairs and Burns who ken the moon and friends who hand me drinks of laughter and hot blooded my avalon so bright. G'night!
---

well well my maiden fair, my applebright, promise me this; next time we negotiate peace, let's please not use the hatchet metaphor. ;-) calumet? what you say?

I'll be honest: I have no idea what to make of this poem. It strikes me as almost dadaist in the way it eschews narrative logic, and even sense within each line. Besides the few minor points above I'm at a loss to critique it. I do kind of like some of the linguistic gymnastics in verse one, though. "Machines of light of plastic pale" is quite a poetic line, and "forgiven and forget/me nots" amused me. The lines about a "Welsh lass" sinking a hatchet into the moon-gazing narrator are also interesting.
If you work on your English, syntax and sense of narrative you may find a good poem somewhere in here; I hope that doesn't sound patronising. Critique is JMHO, thanks for the read.

P.S: Thank you, by the way, for teaching me a new word: hippocampic

Hi Heslop, thank you for looking into it and the comments. It is Dada! ;-) It fools around with Dylan Thomas (do not go gentle ...) plus a bit of Rage against the machine. The second part is mocking Robert Burns a bit.
This said, I do not find you patronising and of course I can still learn a lot about English (I learn something new everday.) I know my phrasing is often involuntarily dada (Tom tells me that everyday) ,-). I am willing to pay that prize because I can't afford, living in an anglophone environment.

cheers
Serge :-)