meditation, revised

[justcloudy]

the first one I posted a month ago or so. see here . now here's my rewrite.

Wrapped inside out I wander in
and if I’m lucky, can observe
my floating, glinting, golden soul
diving into pumping heart,
with my brain still in its clutches,
reaching down, transforming.

Intimately, liltingly, it happens.
A process small beyond my knowledge
too intricate for comprehension,

shifting to the realm of the people of the quarks.

They shiver and it shakes the world.
Fourth dimensional inhabitants of our circled existence,
infinitely larger than the titans of our minds.
With wagging fingers they decide
we are too cold, we have been lost
so their tiny hands press
human-sized slices of the world’s communal Soul
into those with open bodies.

With their otherness they border-hop
between spiritual and temporal.


My eyes linger shut,
but I have seen.

[tectak]

the first one I posted a month ago or so. see here . now here's my rewrite.
Hi cloudy,
Good to see a rewrite. Line by line on this one. Not at all bad but:
Wrapped inside out I wander in Not always a great idea to start with an enigma...no matter how clever you think the in-in wordplay is. It sounds a little too like the "my-first-is-in-pie-but-not-in-pork" genre.
and if I’m lucky, can observe
my floating, glinting, golden soul
diving into pumping heart,
with my brain still in its clutches,
reaching down, transforming. Phew. What the hell does all this mean? It is clearly unclear and proud of itself.Psycho-physiologically it presents a contorted image which has too many metaphorical mismatches. A golden soul diving whilst floating; a soul in a heart clutching a brain yet reaching down...its got its hands full but is yet able to transform. No. It is messy and so comes across as meaningless drivel. You are trying to say something profound but getting mixed up up with confound.

Intimately, liltingly, it happens.
A process small beyond my knowledge
too intricate for comprehension, This falls into the schoolboy howler league of watching "imperceptible movent" or seeing "invisible signs". And what is this "it" thing anyway. You do not say yet you refer to "it" as though the reader should have knowledge a priori. "It" is unrelated and remains so.

shifting to the realm of the people of the quarks. I been lost here before

They shiver and it shakes the world. It, it, it! Get rid of "it"
Fourth dimensional inhabitants of our circled existence, pseudo-science. We all live in 4 dimensions by some valid hypothethis L,B,W and T.
infinitely larger than the titans of our minds. I am now unable to comment on the content of this piece as I do not have the required hallucinogen to hand...accordingly I will talk about the poetic virtue of the stanza. Well....
With wagging fingers they decide
we are too cold, we have been lost
so their tiny hands press
human-sized slices of the world’s communal Soul
into those with open bodies.

With their otherness they border-hop
between spiritual and temporal.


My eyes linger shut,
but I have seen.

Hi,
I cannot say I am happy with myself for the comments I have made but that should not be taken as a concession.All is opinion.....but not everything that is print is poetry. You are going to insist on your right to write...right? OK. But if you just took some time to READ what you have written, out loud and often, you would hear the cracks in the tolling bell. I can almost forgive the Lewis Caroll pretensions but I cannot forgive the inconsistency. I have no idea at all what this is about but feel I ought to know. When it was brillig and the slivey toaves came out I knew where I was, or didn't need to care...with this piece I am just lost. It is not poetic, either.
I appreciate your workshopping attitude and hope you can get something good out of my crit.
Best(again)
tectak

[justcloudy]

hi tectak, you haven't been around for a while, but I see you're back just in time.

I see you still very much dislike this piece. that's ok, we can't all like everything. it doesn't hurt my feelings, and I won't start arguing with you about this and that. so, thank you for your critique. I appreciate the points about "it" especially, I'll put some thought into fixing those.

now hopefully the others who did like it the first time around will take a look and see if they think it's an improvement, and what more can be done.

thanks.

-cloudy

[tectak]

hi tectak, you haven't been around for a while, but I see you're back just in time.

I see you still very much dislike this piece. that's ok, we can't all like everything. it doesn't hurt my feelings, and I won't start arguing with you about this and that. so, thank you for your critique. I appreciate the points about "it" especially, I'll put some thought into fixing those.

now hopefully the others who did like it the first time around will take a look and see if they think it's an improvement, and what more can be done.

thanks.

-cloudy

Hi cloudy,
Yep. Two great weeks in the wild Scottish Highlands. Just achingly beautiful.
I left milo in charge of the seriously abusive forum and put a rumour about that he was me and I was he....or is it a rumour?
...and no, I do not dislike any posting. I dislike myself for not telling the truth sometimes....so it may come down to the same thing
Best,
tectak

[justcloudy]

hmm, well I'd say it's a rumor, either that or you're much more talented than anyone gives you credit for... anyway your comment styles are very different, though they often point out similar things.

and truth is good, we can heartily agree on that. =] but whether it's malleable, person to person, is another question....

congrats on the vacation, never been, I'm sure it was lovely. I just spent a week sick on the couch and posted so much I gained senior member status, haha. so it was also a vacation of sorts I suppose.

anyway thanks again for the thoughts, as disparaging as they were. ;D

[Truerenigma]

Hi cloudy, the more i read this the more i like the idea, but the content is hard to grasp, perhaps provide us with some natural metaphors, especially for the aforementioned " it"? It needs just a touch of reality to bring it home.

[justcloudy]

thanks true. I see what you mean... now to think of some metaphors... ;D

[PoetryAndPhysics]

Hi cloudy. I’ll go through it…

Wrapped inside out I wander in
and if I’m lucky, can observe
my floating, glinting, golden soul
diving into pumping heart,

Don’t need line 2 from my taste, maybe can just do something like

Wrapped inside out, I wander in
To my floating, glinting, golden soul…

Glinting and golden are similar, or at any rate golden doesn’t add much. Same for pumping, I suppose the word isn’t useless, but it can do more work as an image, I think.


with my brain still in its clutches,
reaching down, transforming.

Intimately, liltingly, it happens.
A process small beyond my knowledge
too intricate for comprehension,

I feel in your debt for now knowing what the word lilting means. Also…

shifting to the realm of the people of the quarks.

I’m one of those people! Well, the professor I’m doing research with studies, roughly, quark distributions in the nucleus (very roughly). Cool…

They shiver and it shakes the world.
Fourth dimensional inhabitants of our circled existence,
infinitely larger than the titans of our minds.
With wagging fingers they decide
we are too cold, we have been lost
so their tiny hands press
human-sized slices of the world’s communal Soul
into those with open bodies.

I’d go for more than 4 dimensions. Taking relativity into account, everything is 4 dimensional (time). But I feel this isn’t the time to be overly pedantic… Why is our existence circled? Why are there titans in our mind? And why do the quarks wag fingers (have we done something wrong)?

With their otherness they border-hop
between spiritual and temporal.


My eyes linger shut,
but I have seen.

Not sure about the last four lines. Seems like it can do without, but I'll think about it...

Think that's it for now, thanks

Gary

[justcloudy]

thanks for your comments Gary, and I definitely agree with you about the beginning, I'll see what I can do.
also, I see you didn't choose "PoetryandPhysics" for nothing ;p