Aubade

[popeye]

Alba Aubade

Dawn breeze stirs
Hasty murmured departure
Brushing burrs
Hurrying through damp pasture

Cuckoo sings
And heralds adultery

[Heartafire]

Alba Aubade

Dawn breeze stirs
Hasty murmured departure
Brushing burrs
Hurrying through damp pasture

Cuckoo sings
And heralds adultery

Hi Popeye, I love this very much, it is so subtle yet deep in it's secret. Love the title you have chosen. I think I might drop "and"
in the final line and use "heralding adultery". Fine writing.
Best,
Heart

[justcloudy]

hi popeye,
every time I read this it's still just as lovely and damming. ;p with this poem I feel like you're very successfully walking a thin line. thanks for sharing.
I agree with Heart's suggestion for the last line, and can't really think of anything else to improve it. there isn't much to work with, and it's already top quality. just wanted to say well done. =]
-cloudy

[popeye]

Hello Heart and cloudy, thank you both for your critiques and generous comments. Both of you being in accord with your thoughts I'll be lazy and just reply once! The sequence and wording of the last two lines gave me a bit of grief, I was after something succinct and all inclusive with a hard finality, had actually considered heralding, and thought it too soft, I'm not so sure now that you both indicated that is the way to go. Would appreciate your thoughts, cheers!

[Heartafire]

Hello Heart and cloudy, thank you both for your critiques and generous comments. Both of you being in accord with your thoughts I'll be lazy and just reply once! The sequence and wording of the last two lines gave me a bit of grief, I was after something succinct and all inclusive with a hard finality, had actually considered heralding, and thought it too soft, I'm not so sure now that you both indicated that is the way to go. Would appreciate your thoughts, cheers!

Hi Popeye, though the use of "cuckoo" is not lost on me, I find this not a damning poem, but a comment on life. I think I would have chosen "songbirds herald adultery" as the final line. Once again, let me say I like this short piece very much.
Heart

[serge gurkski]

Alba Aubade

Dawn breeze stirs
Hasty murmured departure
Brushing burrs
Hurrying through damp pasture

Cuckoo sings
And heralds adultery

Hi Popeye,
very fine stuff. First off, not to angrify the ladies but, I would not change the last line. It sings nicely.
You do nice things with sounds ( I'll call it just so, for lack of a better word to describe what I mean) e.g.:

"Dawn breeze stirs
Hasty murmured departure
Brushing burrs
Hurrying through damp pasture"

Ok, 3 more examples I enjoyed:
dawn -- departure -- damp pasture
and
breeze -- brushing burrs
and
hasty -- hurrying


Enjoyed it very much.

cheers

serge


( I will not get into these things here:
Alba is the same as Aubade in Occitan poetry. But - I just can't seem to not messing it up: of course Alba is a name of country, damn close to England, and if you pronounce Aubade in a certain way, let us say, as in " obeyed" and think in the wrong direction..? ,-).. But no no no.
I won't go there. );-)

[popeye]

Hello Heart and cloudy, thank you both for your critiques and generous comments. Both of you being in accord with your thoughts I'll be lazy and just reply once! The sequence and wording of the last two lines gave me a bit of grief, I was after something succinct and all inclusive with a hard finality, had actually considered heralding, and thought it too soft, I'm not so sure now that you both indicated that is the way to go. Would appreciate your thoughts, cheers!

Hi Popeye, though the use of "cuckoo" is not lost on me, I find this not a damning poem, but a comment on life. I think I would have chosen "songbirds herald adultery" as the final line. Once again, let me say I like this short piece very much.
Heart

Thanks for your follow up Heart, I see what you are saying and enjoy your interpretation, it keeps it much more simple and easy to understand! I may have been trying to say too much with too few words, that I guess is the beauty of poetry, one can interpret as they please and enjoy it as they wish! Thanks once again, knowing you enjoyed makes it worth so much more to me, cheers.

---

Alba Aubade

Dawn breeze stirs
Hasty murmured departure
Brushing burrs
Hurrying through damp pasture

Cuckoo sings
And heralds adultery

Hi Popeye,
very fine stuff. First off, not to angrify the ladies but, I would not change the last line. It sings nicely.
You do nice things with sounds ( I'll call it just so, for lack of a better word to describe what I mean) e.g.:

"Dawn breeze stirs
Hasty murmured departure
Brushing burrs
Hurrying through damp pasture"

Ok, 3 more examples I enjoyed:
dawn -- departure -- damp pasture
and
breeze -- brushing burrs
and
hasty -- hurrying


Enjoyed it very much.

cheers

serge


( I will not get into these things here:
Alba is the same as Aubade in Occitan poetry. But - I just can't seem to not messing it up: of course Alba is a name of country, damn close to England, and if you pronounce Aubade in a certain way, let us say, as in " obeyed" and think in the wrong direction..? ,-).. But no no no.
I won't go there. );-)

Thanks serge for taking the time to crit. and comment! Glad you enjoyed the words, for the time being I'll take your advice and leave it as it is. Maybe it's a gender thing the way some things are interpreted, who knows? 'vive la différence', it would be a boring world if we were all the same! I did enjoy Heart and cloudy's view!

You're spot on with the alba, aubade reference, although the political pun is yours and I enjoyed it greatly, lol, and as you so wisely indicated, no no no, don't go there cheers and all the best champ.

[serge gurkski]

Hello Heart and cloudy, thank you both for your critiques and generous comments. Both of you being in accord with your thoughts I'll be lazy and just reply once! The sequence and wording of the last two lines gave me a bit of grief, I was after something succinct and all inclusive with a hard finality, had actually considered heralding, and thought it too soft, I'm not so sure now that you both indicated that is the way to go. Would appreciate your thoughts, cheers!

Hi Popeye, though the use of "cuckoo" is not lost on me, I find this not a damning poem, but a comment on life. I think I would have chosen "songbirds herald adultery" as the final line. Once again, let me say I like this short piece very much.
Heart

Thanks for your follow up Heart, I see what you are saying and enjoy your interpretation, it keeps it much more simple and easy to understand! I may have been trying to say too much with too few words, that I guess is the beauty of poetry, one can interpret as they please and enjoy it as they wish! Thanks once again, knowing you enjoyed makes it worth so much more to me, cheers.

---

Alba Aubade

Dawn breeze stirs
Hasty murmured departure
Brushing burrs
Hurrying through damp pasture

Cuckoo sings
And heralds adultery

Hi Popeye,
very fine stuff. First off, not to angrify the ladies but, I would not change the last line. It sings nicely.
You do nice things with sounds ( I'll call it just so, for lack of a better word to describe what I mean) e.g.:

"Dawn breeze stirs
Hasty murmured departure
Brushing burrs
Hurrying through damp pasture"

Ok, 3 more examples I enjoyed:
dawn -- departure -- damp pasture
and
breeze -- brushing burrs
and
hasty -- hurrying


Enjoyed it very much.

cheers

serge


( I will not get into these things here:
Alba is the same as Aubade in Occitan poetry. But - I just can't seem to not messing it up: of course Alba is a name of country, damn close to England, and if you pronounce Aubade in a certain way, let us say, as in " obeyed" and think in the wrong direction..? ,-).. But no no no.
I won't go there. );-)

Thanks serge for taking the time to crit. and comment! Glad you enjoyed the words, for the time being I'll take your advice and leave it as it is. Maybe it's a gender thing the way some things are interpreted, who knows? 'vive la différence', it would be a boring world if we were all the same! I did enjoy Heart and cloudy's view!

You're spot on with the alba, aubade reference, although the political pun is yours and I enjoyed it greatly, lol, and as you so wisely indicated, no no no, don't go there cheers and all the best champ.

I knew I would get into trouble, Popeye. ,-) but not bc of Alba (not yet let's say) but bc of the cuckoo and your bringing up the gender issue (nice trick, ty!) and now of course I must stand by you. In all honesty I could not care less about the cuckoo. Haha. Well, then let's get it on. I would suggest a defensive strategy. Let them make the first move amd then check out their weak point. Maybe we can confuse them so much that they retreat. (But - to be honest - I have my doubts- ,-) )