Something, something, dark side

[Regn]

I wanted to add another (using 'dawn'), but got bored and called it quits.

I have this place inside, in which a hole resides;
An empty brooding waits to pull me in to none.
Where all that I hold dear is soon to disappear,
Not only stirs it fear- for that which will be gone-
A lust that once was weak has never felt so strong.
Now what ever have I done.

There is no turning back, my mind has turned so black,
Of loathsome deeds that brought me over to do wrong.
For all I reprehend, I find no way to mend,
A heart so close at end can never quite belong.
I realize that I am better off alone.
Why must this life go on.

[neena2504]

Hi,

This is good, can be even better by making few changes.

If the feel is more important then get to the core by cutting off the excess and bring out the strong words/lines like so:

I have this place inside, a hole ;
An empty brooding waits
to pull me in to nothing.
All that I hold dear is soon to disappear,
A lust that once was weak
has never felt so strong.
Now what ever have I done.

Else, if the form is more important you may opt to choose your words differently to make it perfect in rhyme and meter.

Cheers

[Regn]

I basically used Poe's format of "The Raven" and went with 6 syllables instead of 8.

So it sounds like this:
xxxxxAxxxxxA
xxxxxxxxxxxB
xxxxxCxxxxxC
xxxxxCxxxxxB
xxxxxxxxxxxB
xxxxxB

"The Raven" would be:
xxxxxxxAxxxxxxxA
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxB
and so on.

It's the first time I used a format to make the beat precise.



So I sort of cheated

Thank you for the critique.

[Leanne]

I basically used Poe's format of "The Raven" and went with 6 syllables instead of 8.

You didn't really though -- "The Raven" is written in trochees, yours is iambic for the most part, so it's kind of backwards It's not just about syllable count. To find out more about meter, you might like to check out the Poetry Practice forum.

Having said that, kudos for finding a system that works for you. Many readers would notice nothing wrong with it and since you've posted in miscellaneous and not a critique forum, let me just stop at "your grammar is tortured by the need to fit into a pattern, so the form is dictating your poem". At the very least, you've identified what you want to do and done what you can to get there.

[newsclippings]

I admire your dedication Regn, and I find it amusing how versatile Excel has become.

---

also, great title.

[Regn]

You didn't really though -- "The Raven" is written in trochees, yours is iambic for the most part, so it's kind of backwards It's not just about syllable count. To find out more about meter, you might like to check out the Poetry Practice forum.

Having said that, kudos for finding a system that works for you. Many readers would notice nothing wrong with it and since you've posted in miscellaneous and not a critique forum, let me just stop at "your grammar is tortured by the need to fit into a pattern, so the form is dictating your poem". At the very least, you've identified what you want to do and done what you can to get there.

That sheds on light on the issues. Thank you.

I admire your dedication Regn, and I find it amusing how versatile Excel has become.

---

also, great title.

Sometimes it brings more attention to itself than it is worth. Imagine the disdain in Stewie's eyes. It's funny, though, I have not once used Excel for what it was intended.

[newsclippings]

but that's the question
what is it intended for?

Excel is a great place to code, but it wasn't originally made for that.

[neena2504]

I basically used Poe's format of "The Raven" and went with 6 syllables instead of 8.

So it sounds like this:
xxxxxAxxxxxA
xxxxxxxxxxxB
xxxxxCxxxxxC
xxxxxCxxxxxB
xxxxxxxxxxxB
xxxxxB

"The Raven" would be:
xxxxxxxAxxxxxxxA
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxB
and so on.

It's the first time I used a format to make the beat precise.



So I sort of cheated

Thank you for the critique.

Oh! I hadn't realized that
Great work!

[justcloudy]

hi regn
my only comment is that I loved the rhythm, so much so that I sort of forgot to pay attention to the words. ;D but kudos on your effort, and love the excel idea. =D
-cloudy