An Introduction to Death
#1
An Introduction to Death

I used to play around the trail of fir trees
that surrounded the fence.
They were guardians, a shelter
from the evils of ghosts
and things that lurk in dark corners.
My older brothers told me they
wait for you outside those trees.
In my garden, I was safe.

After a stormy, violent night
I stood on the patio;
something laid by the apple tree.
A sodden, dark mass
of feathers, legs, and
deep, staining claret.
It would not move.

This could not have been the fault
of ghosts
or things that lurk in dark corners.
My forest kept them at bay.

Had I done this?

It's wings were raised -
awkwardly assaulted into unnatural positions.
Like a signal, calling out a final song from a broken neck.
It did not move.
I had not been told about this -
It tainted my thoughts with erratic visions
of stone cold, panicked eyes,
and bloodied feathers.

Later, my brothers would laugh
call it 'a real dead'un!'
and display it to their friends.
I had hoped that before their eyes
it's wings would align,
it's feathers tidy,
the blood would return to it's heart
but still, it would not move.

------------------------------
Original:

I used to play around the trail of fir trees
that surrounded the fence.
They were guardians, a shelter
from the evils of ghosts
and things that lurk in dark corners.
My older brothers had told me they
wait for you outside those trees.
In my garden, I was safe.

Now heavy clouds hung in the sky.
As I stood on the patio
something lay by the apple tree.
A sodden, dark mass
of feathers, legs, and
deep, staining claret.
It would not move.

This could not have been the fault
of ghosts
or things that lurk in dark corners.
Had I done this?
It's wings were raised -
awkwardly assaulted into unnatural positions.
Like a signal, calling out a final song from a broken neck.
It did not move.
I had not been told about this -
It tainted my thoughts with erratic visions
of stone cold, panicked eyes,
and bloodied feathers.

Later, my brothers would laugh
call it 'a real dead'un!'
and display it to their friends.
I had hoped that before their eyes
it's wings would align,
it's feathers tidy,
the blood would return to it's heart
but still, it would not move.
- Amy

(You wouldn't be surprised to know my parents did not christen me UnicornRainbowCake.)


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#2
First of all, I LOVE the title, it really grabs you. I myself struggle with the title more than I do with most of the actual poem, so I fangirl hard for people are a gifted in finding captivating names for their poems.

"My older brothers had told me they
wait for you outside those trees."

I don't know why, but something about "had told me they wait for you" doesn't sound right to me. It might just be me being really nit-picky , but maybe "My older brothers told me they wait wait for you" or "My older brothers have said they wait for you". It's a very important, eerie line in the stanza, so don't scratch it, just maybe play around with the wording to make it a little smoother.


"It's wings were raised -
awkwardly assaulted into unnatural positions.
Like a signal, calling out a final song from a broken neck.
It did not move."

Your description of the dead bird is really powerful, and yet you never have to come out and say "dead bird" for me to know exactly what you are describing.


"Later, my brothers would laugh
call it 'a real dead'un!'
and display it to their friends."

The return of your brothers to the poem makes it a nice full-circle, so to say. I really love this poem, it brings up a lot of my own vivid memories of encountering death as a child, and I think you capture that moment perfectly. Really well done. Smile
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#3
hi Amy

first of all, well done, this is powerful and lovely. most of it is magical and shouldn't change. I do have a couple points though:

"Now heavy clouds hung in the sky. " --> The "now" is still in the past and makes things a bit muddled, maybe you can think of a different way to introduce that stanza.

"This could not have been the fault
of ghosts
or things that lurk in dark corners.
Had I done this? "

I missed this on my first read, yet "Had I done this?" is such an important line. maybe you can display it a little more by putting empty lines above and below... also, the child in the poem, would she really think it's not the fault of ghosts? why not? when I was little that might've been exactly what I thought. maybe you can clarify why she doesn't think so (in young child reasoning of course).

anyway beautiful portrait, I'm really in awe. thanks for sharing.
_______________________________________
The howling beast is back.
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#4
Thankyou both for your detailed feedback, really appreciate it Smile

AisforApple - I agree with you on the 'my older brothers' line. I tried it out in a few different ways and it still seemed quite awkward to me, I'll definitely do a few adjustments on that.

justcloudy - Same as the other line I couldn't pinpoint a way to make this not so awkward. I'll have to have a good think again. In regards to the explanation, I had originally written a stanza of its own for her reasoning but cut it out (I thought it dragged on too much).

Thanks again for your critique and I hope you enjoy my first edit Smile
- Amy

(You wouldn't be surprised to know my parents did not christen me UnicornRainbowCake.)


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#5
(04-02-2013, 04:58 AM)UnicornRainbowCake Wrote:  An Introduction to Death

I used to play around the trail of fir trees
that surrounded the fence.
They were guardians, a shelter -- guardians and shelter say much the same thing, I feel you're wasting one of these words
from the evils of ghosts -- evils is an absolute that I'm ambivalent about -- I think we can pick this idea up from the tone, without having to state it overtly
and things that lurk in dark corners.
My older brothers told me they
wait for you outside those trees.
In my garden, I was safe.

After a stormy, violent night -- this is a bit tell-not-show -- I'd love a little bit of storm imagery
I stood on the patio;
something laid by the apple tree.
A sodden, dark mass
of feathers, legs, and
deep, staining claret.
It would not move.

This could not have been the fault
of ghosts
or things that lurk in dark corners. -- an em-dash might work better here than a full stop
My forest kept them at bay.

Had I done this? -- good introduction of guilt and the childlike centre-of-the-universe view

It's wings were raised - *its
awkwardly assaulted into unnatural positions.
Like a signal, calling out a final song from a broken neck. -- you could probably get rid of "like" and make this a metaphor instead
It did not move.
I had not been told about this -
It tainted my thoughts with erratic visions
of stone cold, panicked eyes,
and bloodied feathers. -- good imagery

Later, my brothers would laugh
call it 'a real dead'un!'
and display it to their friends.
I had hoped that before their eyes
it's wings would align, *its
it's feathers tidy, *its Big Grin
the blood would return to it's heart -- and *its!
but still, it would not move. -- this is a good strong closing stanza
Hi there, and welcome! Thanks for all your feedback around the place, it's great to see. I've probably given you a little bit more than is expected in Mild but there is enormous potential in this poem that I'd love to see brought out further. When you're ready to take some stronger criticism (if ever, and not everybody is), you would probably do quite well posting in Serious Critique -- not necessarily with this poem, but I suspect you write to quite a high quality and it would be good to see that nurtured fully.
It could be worse
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#6
I'd like to make an official apology to everyone on the forum regarding my grammar.

I'm ashamed.

But thankyou for the feedback, haha! Smile

I would definitely like to post in Serious but didn't want to throw myself in too deep to start with. It's lovely to hear comments like that though, thankyou so much Smile
- Amy

(You wouldn't be surprised to know my parents did not christen me UnicornRainbowCake.)


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