Poem Request

[DaArthur]

This is my first Sonnet:

Write me a song or poem to vent my heart
Tell all of beauty fair; most fair not she
My mind can't say when did the yearning start
My breath and heart stop in proximity

My mind plays tricks to see her everywhere
The wings of hope when slightest cue detects
A curve; a walk; a laugh; a twist of hair
Pursuit of contact deftly she deflects

A touch or hug is merely friendship's due
To gaze into her eyes my fondest dream
I seek to end what love cannot pursue
To stem the flow of unrequited stream

I hope your songs and poems bring some relief
Not push me even lower in my grief

- Art

[NakedBear]

This is my first Sonnet:

Write me a song or poem to vent my heart too many syllables, and meter's off
Tell all of beauty fair; most fair not she second clause doesn't make much sense. Is she NOT fair?
My mind can't say when did the yearning start
My breath and heart stop in proximity

My mind plays tricks to see her everywhere
The wings of hope when slightest cue detects the 'wings of hope' do what when cues are detected?
A curve; a walk; a laugh; a twist of hair
Pursuit of contact deftly she deflects

A touch or hug is merely friendship's due
To gaze into her eyes my fondest dream
I seek to end what love cannot pursue The turn comes pretty late in this, and I don't think it's developed as much as it should be.
To stem the flow of unrequited stream How can a stream be unrequited? I think you're seeking the rhyme too much.

I hope your songs and poems bring some relief too many syllables, and meter is off. Drop 'some'.
Not push me even lower in my grief

- Art

Aside from those two lines, your meter seems pretty good to me (but I'll defer to an expert should one appear).

Mikey.

[milo]

This is my first Sonnet:

Write me a song or poem to vent my heart too many syllables, and meter's off
Tell all of beauty fair; most fair not she second clause doesn't make much sense. Is she NOT fair?
My mind can't say when did the yearning start
My breath and heart stop in proximity

My mind plays tricks to see her everywhere
The wings of hope when slightest cue detects the 'wings of hope' do what when cues are detected?
A curve; a walk; a laugh; a twist of hair
Pursuit of contact deftly she deflects

A touch or hug is merely friendship's due
To gaze into her eyes my fondest dream
I seek to end what love cannot pursue The turn comes pretty late in this, and I don't think it's developed as much as it should be.
To stem the flow of unrequited stream How can a stream be unrequited? I think you're seeking the rhyme too much.

I hope your songs and poems bring some relief too many syllables, and meter is off. Drop 'some'.
Not push me even lower in my grief

- Art

Aside from those two lines, your meter seems pretty good to me (but I'll defer to an expert should one appear).

Mikey.

He is elliding poems so treat it as one syllable.

The stresses are forced in odd places through most of the poem but I can /make/ it scan by twisting up my natural speaking patterns. I can't make the inversions, cliches and weird sentence constructions go away, but for a first sonnet it is not bad, hopefully you have already visited out practice forums.

milo

[billy]

have a look here at the meter (iambic pentameter) being new to sonnets, its best to go the whole iambic route throughout the poem, other types of meter can be substituted once you get it down pat.

the first line could start
O write a song or poem, vent my heart (poem i usually read as two syls, stressed and unstressed. Dum/Da)
try and get a similar pattern of words in the other lines. (da/dum times 5)
the rhyme scheme isn't bad. watch out for olde english (yoda speak) never do it because you can use it because you really want to, and maybe it's a period piece,

for a first sonnet it's bloody excellent, (this isn't the same as it's a great sonnet ) well done

This is my first Sonnet:

Write me a song or poem to vent my heart
Tell all of beauty fair; most fair not she
My mind can't say when did the yearning start yoda speak
My breath and heart stop in proximity good line.

My mind plays tricks to see her everywhere
The wings of hope when slightest cue detects
A curve; a walk; a laugh; a twist of hair
Pursuit of contact deftly she deflects

A touch or hug is merely friendship's due
To gaze into her eyes my fondest dream
I seek to end what love cannot pursue
To stem the flow of unrequited stream

I hope your songs and poems bring some relief no need for 'some'
Not push me even lower in my grief

- Art