The beautiful lies

[neena2504]

the 1st line makes the poem more accessible, no need for unquenched as it's redundant, quenched would work if you want to show it as such.
still feels wordy neena,usually, unless there's a rich narrative wordiness kills poetry (of course there are always exceptions) in this instance you need to remove as much as you can and leave the bare bones of it behind, (a suggestion as show one way you can achieve the snip. )

Lies are what you give, what I seek.
A thirst (in need of quenching( or something else))
a word or two drift
heavy as nimbus, silence
stretches the moment.

remove as much as you can and then you can see what you're working with, editing becomes

We know we're lost like twigs in a storm (becomes)
lost like twigs in a storm (or simply)
twigs in a storm

great edit so far, if you can be brave enough you'll see that editing really does work

Hello Everyone....
Keeping in mind the suggestions and avoiding the cliches (as much as I could) I have come up with this edit. I have also changed the title as it was a cliche as well

Please let me know if it is a bit better now.

The Lovely Lies

Lies are what you give, lies are what I seek.
Yet there is a thirst unquenched,
a word or two drift
for a stretched while to reek.
Heavy, as nimbus, there is a silence
occasionally broken by the seeking eyes.
We know we're lost like twigs in a storm
abandoned is the way we were walking along.
I paint the walls green in my mind, pretend
it’s spring and see my garden in bloom.
You know the green from gray and yet will not say,
you’ll let me be there, blissfully unaware
of the spring that’s gone and withered.
But you little know your eyes betray,
the wordless truth, that you dare not say.
It makes me cringe with dread, I flee
to my lush-green spot where you sit by me.

Thank you so much billy.
I never knew all that about wordiness killing a poem. I will definitely keep this in mind and come up with a better edit next time.
Thank you, this really means a lot!

---

Hello Everyone....
Keeping in mind the suggestions and avoiding the cliches (as much as I could) I have come up with this edit. I have also changed the title as it was a cliche as well

Please let me know if it is a bit better now.

The Lovely Lies

Lies are what you give, lies are what I seek.
Yet there is a thirst unquenched, I have to think if it was quenched it wouldn't be a thirst.
a word or two drift
for a stretched while to reek. For a stretched while to reek isn't really working, too awkward
Heavy, as nimbus, there is a silence "There is a silence, nimbus heavy, sometimes broken by our eyes"
occasionally broken by the seeking eyes.
We know we're lost like twigs in a storm
abandoned is the way we were walking along. This line is weak
I paint the walls green in my mind, pretend
it’s spring and see my garden in bloom.
You know the green from gray and yet will not say,
you’ll let me be there, blissfully unaware
of the spring that’s gone and withered.
But you little know your eyes betray,
the wordless truth, that you dare not say.
It makes me cringe with dread, I flee
to my lush-green spot where you sit by me.

The rhymes, when they occur, don't seem to be helping, rather hurting. You have trimmed most of the cliche, that is good.

milo

Thank you so much milo, I will try to crop the excess and remove the unnecessary rhyming.
Cheers

[milo]

the 1st line makes the poem more accessible, no need for unquenched as it's redundant, quenched would work if you want to show it as such.
still feels wordy neena,usually, unless there's a rich narrative wordiness kills poetry (of course there are always exceptions) in this instance you need to remove as much as you can and leave the bare bones of it behind, (a suggestion as show one way you can achieve the snip. )

Lies are what you give, what I seek.
A thirst (in need of quenching( or something else))
a word or two drift
heavy as nimbus, silence
stretches the moment.

remove as much as you can and then you can see what you're working with, editing becomes

We know we're lost like twigs in a storm (becomes)
lost like twigs in a storm (or simply)
twigs in a storm

great edit so far, if you can be brave enough you'll see that editing really does work

Hello Everyone....
Keeping in mind the suggestions and avoiding the cliches (as much as I could) I have come up with this edit. I have also changed the title as it was a cliche as well

Please let me know if it is a bit better now.

The Lovely Lies

Lies are what you give, lies are what I seek.
Yet there is a thirst unquenched,
a word or two drift
for a stretched while to reek.
Heavy, as nimbus, there is a silence
occasionally broken by the seeking eyes.
We know we're lost like twigs in a storm
abandoned is the way we were walking along.
I paint the walls green in my mind, pretend
it’s spring and see my garden in bloom.
You know the green from gray and yet will not say,
you’ll let me be there, blissfully unaware
of the spring that’s gone and withered.
But you little know your eyes betray,
the wordless truth, that you dare not say.
It makes me cringe with dread, I flee
to my lush-green spot where you sit by me.

Thank you so much billy.
I never knew all that about wordiness killing a poem. I will definitely keep this in mind and come up with a better edit next time.
Thank you, this really means a lot!

---

Hello Everyone....
Keeping in mind the suggestions and avoiding the cliches (as much as I could) I have come up with this edit. I have also changed the title as it was a cliche as well

Please let me know if it is a bit better now.

The Lovely Lies

Lies are what you give, lies are what I seek.
Yet there is a thirst unquenched, I have to think if it was quenched it wouldn't be a thirst.
a word or two drift
for a stretched while to reek. For a stretched while to reek isn't really working, too awkward
Heavy, as nimbus, there is a silence "There is a silence, nimbus heavy, sometimes broken by our eyes"
occasionally broken by the seeking eyes.
We know we're lost like twigs in a storm
abandoned is the way we were walking along. This line is weak
I paint the walls green in my mind, pretend
it’s spring and see my garden in bloom.
You know the green from gray and yet will not say,
you’ll let me be there, blissfully unaware
of the spring that’s gone and withered.
But you little know your eyes betray,
the wordless truth, that you dare not say.
It makes me cringe with dread, I flee
to my lush-green spot where you sit by me.

The rhymes, when they occur, don't seem to be helping, rather hurting. You have trimmed most of the cliche, that is good.

milo

Thank you so much milo, I will try to crop the excess and remove the unnecessary rhyming.
Cheers

I thought you were going to write me a triolet . . .

[neena2504]

Oh yes and a triolet too