Give chase [formerly: Gallop, bitch!]

[NakedBear]

Second effort with this theme:

Bay, bitch. Bay!
Can you do no more?

Eager do you hunt our quarry,
yet where’s the mirth-well eyes
to soak my heart with joy?

Ridge and valley are impassive to our flight.
Your wild bark wounds my ear;
yet from the copse she does not flush.

Is she near to grasp?
I think she’s not,
and ache at heart
that I will never kiss her flesh.
Yet still your tail wags.

At last I quit this chase, dear Elpis,
and release you from your cord.
Go your way, and I will mine;
with you, I only suffer more.

First effort with this theme:

Gallop hard through fen and fern.
Gallop fast through highs and lows.
Gallop down paths unseen.
Can I trust your nose?

Fetch her laughing eye.

At your quarry, bay!

Find her open lips.

Obey your master!

Find those paths unsure
to my straining eyes.

Do you know the way?

Bay, Hope, you eager bitch!

Obey, you who’s merry;
I cling upon your leash
and follow you,
blind.

[serge gurkski]

;-)

May I borrow your lines once I get tired of a bitchy gf when she is tipsy.

And: gallop, bitch is priceless. Haha

[justcloudy]

hey Mikey

love the title! I didn't get some of the words (bay?) but I spose that's because I don't ride...? anyway every time I read it I get something different and like it more. yay!

some little quibbles: it started rhyming. I wanted it to keep rhyming. also, "Obey your master!" rubbed me the wrong way both in meaning and in flow. and leash = dogs. maybe "lead" instead?

[dandan]

Firstly, GREAT title. Definitely an attention grabber. I enjoyed your poem a lot, it was simple yet effective in my mind. However, like someone else mentioned there were a few words I didn't quite get (but then again I don't ride horses so I don't know..?)

The use of the word "leash" makes me think more of a dog though.
Out of curiosity, what does "bay" mean?

[serge gurkski]

hey Mikey

love the title! I didn't get some of the words (bay?) but I suppose that's because I don't ride...? anyway every time I read it I get something different and like it more. yay!

some little quibbles: it started rhyming. I wanted it to keep rhyming. also, "Obey your master!" rubbed me the wrong way both in meaning and in flow. and leash = dogs. maybe "lead" instead?

[cidermaid]

Hi Mikey,

I quite enjoyed this but a couple of small nits might need sorting out.

Firstly the title and the first four lines of the first stanza seem to relate to a horse ride but then I am pulled up (excuse the pun) because you have a hound / hunting dog referance. I'm not sure if hounds / dog are said to gallop or not but certainly I don't think that most people will make an instant connection. (I think they are said to run or give chase).

The rest of the poem then has some lovely lines about a hunt on foot with a dog. (Get the bay ref and this is spot on for the sound but you could also use give tounge or sing). There is a nicely done undercurrent of suggestion that this is also about a relationship.
I agree about either keeping the rhyme / rythem that you start off with of change to remove this at the start.
Perhaps if you decide to change the first stanza to adjust the dog / horse thing that is going on the rest of the poem might find a natural flow. (But I did like the pace and suggestion of fast paced movment that you had going on in the first stanza).

Hope this is of some help.

AJ.

[NakedBear]

Hello everyone.

Thanks to those that commented. It really helps me to hear the thoughts of others regarding my work (its almost magical, actually).

I've tried again and have written another poem with this same theme in mind. It's in the OP. I'd love to hear your thoughts on it.

Regarding the first poem:

'gallop' is a great word, and 'gallop, bitch' is a funny clause to me. But the word is too firmly connected to horses for it to be used with dogs (as I attempted here), although my dictionary says it can refer to any quadruped.

But considering more than the word, I realize the poem was weak. It was my first swipe at this theme, though, and was written late last night. Oddly, I thought I had it. Clearly I was sleep deprived.

Mikey.