The beautiful lies

[neena2504]

Lies is what you give, lies is what I seek.
Still the heart yearns, a word or two linger
through the night and start to reek.
Heavy, as laden nimbus, the silence prevails
occasionally broken by the questioning eyes.
You know you’re lost, I know I’m lost too,
abandoned is the way we were walking along.
I paint the walls green in my mind, pretend
it’s spring and see my garden in fullest bloom.
You know the green from gray and yet will not say,
you’ll let me be there, blissfully unaware
of the spring that’s long gone and withered.
But you do not know I can see it in your eyes,
a shadow of the wordless truth,
as dark as the darkest of moonless nights.
It makes me cringe with dread and I flee
to my lush-green spot where you sit by me.

[rowens]

Another poem I'll try to read again later and say something better. It doesn't seem too bad, so maybe it's not. But I'll read it again later.

People talk in lots of ways. But you can decide if you want to say 'Lies are' instead of "Lies is".

[neena2504]

Another poem I'll try to read again later and say something better. It doesn't seem too bad, so maybe it's not. But I'll read it again later.

People talk in lots of ways. But you can decide if you want to say 'Lies are' instead of "Lies is".

Hi Rowens,

Thank you for your time and comments.
Yes, I was in dilemma whether to use are instead of is. I wanted 'lies' to be an entity, kind of a 'thing' which is being sought. I know grammar-wise it is incorrect, somehow I like the way it sounds. Please let me know if I should go with it.

[rowens]

I hear "lies is" a lot when people talk. They're thinking like: "lies is what this is". Lies as something someone lives by. I hear it, but maybe not everybody. I think you can go either way you want.

[saeity]

Hi neena, Lies is what you give, lies is what I seek. For some reason I envisage an old man rubbing his hands together, so for me that line really doesn't work.

regards saeity.

[neena2504]

Hi Saeity,
Thanks for your time and comments. I appreciate it, what about the rest of it? Does the rest appeal to you?

[saeity]

The rest reads fine to me

saeity.

[milo]

Hi Neena. Thank you for writing and sharing. There is some good and bad here. The good is, you seem to have a natural sense for sound and rhythm. The bad is, you are depending too much on abstract and cliche. The incorrect grammar in L1 is just incorrect grammar, it is never actualized in the purpose of the poem so, please, no matter what anyone tells you, use "lies are". Beautiful lies is a cliche. "Lies" is an abstraction.
"heart yearns"
"words linger"
"through the night"
"silence prevails"
"shadow of truth"
"I can see it in your eyes"

these are all old tired cliches

Lies is what you give, lies is what I seek.
Still the heart yearns, a word or two linger
through the night and start to reek.
Heavy, as laden nimbus, the silence prevails
occasionally broken by the questioning eyes.
You know you’re lost, I know I’m lost too,
abandoned is the way we were walking along.
I paint the walls green in my mind, pretend
it’s spring and see my garden in fullest bloom.
You know the green from gray and yet will not say,
you’ll let me be there, blissfully unaware
of the spring that’s long gone and withered.
But you do not know I can see it in your eyes,
a shadow of the wordless truth,
as dark as the darkest of moonless nights.
It makes me cringe with dread and I flee
to my lush-green spot where you sit by me.

So here, I have just trimmed out the excess to try to get to the "root" of your poem. You can see, just with a little editing, the words are now stronger. Now we expose the strength, the truth in your writing.


Heavy, as nimbus, silence
occasionally broken by the questioning.
I’m lost ,
abandoned
I paint the walls green in my mind, pretend
it’s spring and see my garden in bloom.
You know the green from gray and yet will not say,
you’ll let me be there, unaware
of the spring that’s gone
as dark as the moon.
It makes me cringe
with dread I flee
to my lush-green spot where you sit by me.

"You know the green from gray yet will not stay" is the strongest line in your poem. It is perfect iambic pentameter, it is quite lovely. I would use these remaining words and phrases and build a poem around this one line.

Let me know if you would like me to help more, I know this is novice, I want you to feel comfortable, but I would be fine doing more as well.

milo

[rowens]

Someone that wants a poem published or get a good grade in school might be forced into using correct grammar against their will, but that's a choice and a risk. And while cliche is usually boring, abstractions aren't necessarily bad.

And you can choose, is a poem about a subject that's important, even in a narrow and personal way; or is a poem about its structure and about being poetry in an artistic sense. Are you making a poetic diary entry, or are you constructing a poem to be enjoyed by others as poetry? Most would probably prefer that you do the second thing, but even so, everything is up to you, and it's best to keep in mind that these things are your choice. And they're always your choice even when you're dead set on reaching a less narrow audience than yourself or a few other people.

[neena2504]

Hi Neena. Thank you for writing and sharing. There is some good and bad here. The good is, you seem to have a natural sense for sound and rhythm. The bad is, you are depending too much on abstract and cliche. The incorrect grammar in L1 is just incorrect grammar, it is never actualized in the purpose of the poem so, please, no matter what anyone tells you, use "lies are". Beautiful lies is a cliche. "Lies" is an abstraction.
"heart yearns"
"words linger"
"through the night"
"silence prevails"
"shadow of truth"
"I can see it in your eyes"

these are all old tired cliches

Lies is what you give, lies is what I seek.
Still the heart yearns, a word or two linger
through the night and start to reek.
Heavy, as laden nimbus, the silence prevails
occasionally broken by the questioning eyes.
You know you’re lost, I know I’m lost too,
abandoned is the way we were walking along.
I paint the walls green in my mind, pretend
it’s spring and see my garden in fullest bloom.
You know the green from gray and yet will not say,
you’ll let me be there, blissfully unaware
of the spring that’s long gone and withered.
But you do not know I can see it in your eyes,
a shadow of the wordless truth,
as dark as the darkest of moonless nights.
It makes me cringe with dread and I flee
to my lush-green spot where you sit by me.

So here, I have just trimmed out the excess to try to get to the "root" of your poem. You can see, just with a little editing, the words are now stronger. Now we expose the strength, the truth in your writing.


Heavy, as nimbus, silence
occasionally broken by the questioning.
I’m lost ,
abandoned
I paint the walls green in my mind, pretend
it’s spring and see my garden in bloom.
You know the green from gray and yet will not say,
you’ll let me be there, unaware
of the spring that’s gone
as dark as the moon.
It makes me cringe
with dread I flee
to my lush-green spot where you sit by me.

"You know the green from gray yet will not stay" is the strongest line in your poem. It is perfect iambic pentameter, it is quite lovely. I would use these remaining words and phrases and build a poem around this one line.

Let me know if you would like me to help more, I know this is novice, I want you to feel comfortable, but I would be fine doing more as well.

milo

Hi milo,

I must let you know how thankful I am to you for giving your time to my poem and providing these utterly useful comments.
This is the first time I am receiving some real corrections and I have hope I'll be able to write some real poetry in the coming days.
I admit haven't read many poems and hence was not aware of the cliches(English isn't my native tongue), will try to read more poems and will try my best not to use them.

Yes, I see how strong it has become after editing but I would want to keep the first line (with the correction in grammar) because that's what came to my mind first and I cannot imagine this poem without it. I will come up with an edit soon.

I know a little about rhythm and meter, not much, and I think I can try writing pieces based on them. Is there a particular form you would suggest for me and a few examples?
And yes, I could sure use more help but I do not want to burden you, honestly, I do not want to take much of your time (I've really started feeling guilty now )

Cheers

---

Someone that wants a poem published or get a good grade in school might be forced into using correct grammar against their will, but that's a choice and a risk. And while cliche is usually boring, abstractions aren't necessarily bad.

And you can choose, is a poem about a subject that's important, even in a narrow and personal way; or is a poem about its structure and about being poetry in an artistic sense. Are you making a poetic diary entry, or are you constructing a poem to be enjoyed by others as poetry? Most would probably prefer that you do the second thing, but even so, everything is up to you, and it's best to keep in mind that these things are your choice. And they're always your choice even when you're dead set on reaching a less narrow audience than yourself or a few other people.

Thank you rowens, for your support and guidance. Now that you said it, I realize I am more inclined towards the structure and artistic sense of poetry but I think I should expand my sphere and try to write something different as well. Today I write mostly for myself but one day would love my poems to be enjoyed by all.

Cheers

[NovaKaine]

"Lies is what you give, lies is what I seek. Still the heart yearns, a word or two linger through the night and start to reek." The introduction to your poem to be honest was amazing. It caught my attention an made me want to continue with the rest of the poem

[milo]

[quote='neena2504' pid='120502' dateline='1364196396']


I must let you know how thankful I am to you for giving your time to my poem and providing these utterly useful comments.
This is the first time I am receiving some real corrections and I have hope I'll be able to write some real poetry in the coming days.
I admit haven't read many poems and hence was not aware of the cliches(English isn't my native tongue), will try to read more poems and will try my best not to use them.

Yes, I see how strong it has become after editing but I would want to keep the first line (with the correction in grammar) because that's what came to my mind first and I cannot imagine this poem without it. I will come up with an edit soon.

I know a little about rhythm and meter, not much, and I think I can try writing pieces based on them. Is there a particular form you would suggest for me and a few examples?
And yes, I could sure use more help but I do not want to burden you, honestly, I do not want to take much of your time (I've really started feeling guilty now )

Cheers

---

I always suggest beginnig writers start at triolets. I hated them when I started writing as they are so restrictive but they force you to focus and really use your words to the maximum effect. They grow on you after the first hundred or so.

http://pigpenpoetry.com/Thread-POETRY-PR...he-Triolet

almost all new writers love sonnets! Although they have a tendency to sound pretentious if you are not careful:

http://pigpenpoetry.com/Thread-POETRY-PR...or-Italian

http://pigpenpoetry.com/Thread-POETRY-PR...lizabethan

you can also find some examples of all 3 in the iamb rock - iamb paper - iamb scissors threads.

http://pigpenpoetry.com/Thread-Iamb-Paper
http://pigpenpoetry.com/Thread-Iamb-Rock
http://pigpenpoetry.com/Thread-Iamb-the-...ou-bastard

have fun!

milo

[billy]

silly me, i read the feedback and now i feel as though what needs to be done has been explained already.

still, i'll reinforce the things i think important. the clichés, try and avoid cliche at all cost, that way only one or two will slip through if any and you'll have an original poem. all poets should be forced into good grammar, against their will or otherwise. unless you know wahat a straight line is how can you bend it to a curve? an analogy would be baking. forget about the recipe, just pile all your ingredients into the oven and leave for and undetermined time. the outcome is the same for poetry. Knowing the recipe allows you to alter the recipe.
phrases like;

But you do not know

add little

You know you’re lost, I know I’m lost too,
we know we're lost, or

we're lost

cut away words and phrases that don't add. if you need to, add an image to make up meter, use a simile etc.

we're lost like.......(simile of choice, though try not to be cliche)
you have a lot of good phrases in the poem draw them out and let them stand alone if you can. i see you want to keep the first line so my suggestion would be along the lines of.

Lies are what you give, lies are what I seek.
a word or two linger
through the night to reek. while it's still pretty weak it's sturdier.

Heavy, as laden nimbus this is what you want to pull out, all these types of line. and there are quite a few of them. but you already now that now

thanks for the read,

Lies is what you give, lies is what I seek.
Still the heart yearns, a word or two linger
through the night and start to reek.
Heavy, as laden nimbus, the silence prevails
occasionally broken by the questioning eyes.
You know you’re lost, I know I’m lost too,
abandoned is the way we were walking along.
I paint the walls green in my mind, pretend
it’s spring and see my garden in fullest bloom.
You know the green from gray and yet will not say,
you’ll let me be there, blissfully unaware
of the spring that’s long gone and withered.
But you do not know I can see it in your eyes,
a shadow of the wordless truth,
as dark as the darkest of moonless nights.
It makes me cringe with dread and I flee
to my lush-green spot where you sit by me.

[allykat727]

I found this piece very beautiful. There was wonderful rhythm and i loved the alliterations and internal rhyming. However, I think I would have enjoyed this piece more if it took a different perspective. Rather than using "you" and "I", I think an objective tone would have been more fitting to the essence of your piece--loneliness. But overall, I enjoyed it a great deal

[neena2504]

Hey,
Thanks for your appreciation, am glad those lines made you go through thw whole of it.
Cheers

---

silly me, i read the feedback and now i feel as though what needs to be done has been explained already.

still, i'll reinforce the things i think important. the clichés, try and avoid cliche at all cost, that way only one or two will slip through if any and you'll have an original poem. all poets should be forced into good grammar, against their will or otherwise. unless you know wahat a straight line is how can you bend it to a curve? an analogy would be baking. forget about the recipe, just pile all your ingredients into the oven and leave for and undetermined time. the outcome is the same for poetry. Knowing the recipe allows you to alter the recipe.
phrases like;

But you do not know

add little

You know you’re lost, I know I’m lost too,
we know we're lost, or

we're lost

cut away words and phrases that don't add. if you need to, add an image to make up meter, use a simile etc.

we're lost like.......(simile of choice, though try not to be cliche)
you have a lot of good phrases in the poem draw them out and let them stand alone if you can. i see you want to keep the first line so my suggestion would be along the lines of.

Lies are what you give, lies are what I seek.
a word or two linger
through the night to reek. while it's still pretty weak it's sturdier.

Heavy, as laden nimbus this is what you want to pull out, all these types of line. and there are quite a few of them. but you already now that now

thanks for the read,

Lies is what you give, lies is what I seek.
Still the heart yearns, a word or two linger
through the night and start to reek.
Heavy, as laden nimbus, the silence prevails
occasionally broken by the questioning eyes.
You know you’re lost, I know I’m lost too,
abandoned is the way we were walking along.
I paint the walls green in my mind, pretend
it’s spring and see my garden in fullest bloom.
You know the green from gray and yet will not say,
you’ll let me be there, blissfully unaware
of the spring that’s long gone and withered.
But you do not know I can see it in your eyes,
a shadow of the wordless truth,
as dark as the darkest of moonless nights.
It makes me cringe with dread and I flee
to my lush-green spot where you sit by me.

Hi Billy,

Thanks a lot for your suggestions and corrections, this means a lot to me. I will keep them in find and come up with the second draft of this piece.

---

"Lies is what you give, lies is what I seek. Still the heart yearns, a word or two linger through the night and start to reek." The introduction to your poem to be honest was amazing. It caught my attention an made me want to continue with the rest of the poem

Hey,

Thanks a lot for the appreciation, am glad you liked the intro.
Cheers

---

I found this piece very beautiful. There was wonderful rhythm and i loved the alliterations and internal rhyming. However, I think I would have enjoyed this piece more if it took a different perspective. Rather than using "you" and "I", I think an objective tone would have been more fitting to the essence of your piece--loneliness. But overall, I enjoyed it a great deal

Thank you so much!
Feels really great. your suggestion is welcome, will keep that in mind.
Cheers

---

Thanks once again.
Triolets, Sonnets, here I come.

[milo]

---

Thanks once again.
Triolets, Sonnets, here I come.

Come.
Play.

milo

[neena2504]

Hello Everyone....
Keeping in mind the suggestions and avoiding the cliches (as much as I could) I have come up with this edit. I have also changed the title as it was a cliche as well

Please let me know if it is a bit better now.

The Lovely Lies

Lies are what you give, lies are what I seek.
Yet there is a thirst unquenched,
a word or two drift
for a stretched while to reek.
Heavy, as nimbus, there is a silence
occasionally broken by the seeking eyes.
We know we're lost like twigs in a storm
abandoned is the way we were walking along.
I paint the walls green in my mind, pretend
it’s spring and see my garden in bloom.
You know the green from gray and yet will not say,
you’ll let me be there, blissfully unaware
of the spring that’s gone and withered.
But you little know your eyes betray,
the wordless truth, that you dare not say.
It makes me cringe with dread, I flee
to my lush-green spot where you sit by me.

[milo]

Hello Everyone....
Keeping in mind the suggestions and avoiding the cliches (as much as I could) I have come up with this edit. I have also changed the title as it was a cliche as well

Please let me know if it is a bit better now.

The Lovely Lies

Lies are what you give, lies are what I seek.
Yet there is a thirst unquenched, I have to think if it was quenched it wouldn't be a thirst.
a word or two drift
for a stretched while to reek. For a stretched while to reek isn't really working, too awkward
Heavy, as nimbus, there is a silence "There is a silence, nimbus heavy, sometimes broken by our eyes"
occasionally broken by the seeking eyes.
We know we're lost like twigs in a storm
abandoned is the way we were walking along. This line is weak
I paint the walls green in my mind, pretend
it’s spring and see my garden in bloom.
You know the green from gray and yet will not say,
you’ll let me be there, blissfully unaware
of the spring that’s gone and withered.
But you little know your eyes betray,
the wordless truth, that you dare not say.
It makes me cringe with dread, I flee
to my lush-green spot where you sit by me.

The rhymes, when they occur, don't seem to be helping, rather hurting. You have trimmed most of the cliche, that is good.

milo

[billy]

the 1st line makes the poem more accessible, no need for unquenched as it's redundant, quenched would work if you want to show it as such.
still feels wordy neena,usually, unless there's a rich narrative wordiness kills poetry (of course there are always exceptions) in this instance you need to remove as much as you can and leave the bare bones of it behind, (a suggestion as show one way you can achieve the snip. )

Lies are what you give, what I seek.
A thirst (in need of quenching( or something else))
a word or two drift
heavy as nimbus, silence
stretches the moment.

remove as much as you can and then you can see what you're working with, editing becomes

We know we're lost like twigs in a storm (becomes)
lost like twigs in a storm (or simply)
twigs in a storm

great edit so far, if you can be brave enough you'll see that editing really does work

Hello Everyone....
Keeping in mind the suggestions and avoiding the cliches (as much as I could) I have come up with this edit. I have also changed the title as it was a cliche as well

Please let me know if it is a bit better now.

The Lovely Lies

Lies are what you give, lies are what I seek.
Yet there is a thirst unquenched,
a word or two drift
for a stretched while to reek.
Heavy, as nimbus, there is a silence
occasionally broken by the seeking eyes.
We know we're lost like twigs in a storm
abandoned is the way we were walking along.
I paint the walls green in my mind, pretend
it’s spring and see my garden in bloom.
You know the green from gray and yet will not say,
you’ll let me be there, blissfully unaware
of the spring that’s gone and withered.
But you little know your eyes betray,
the wordless truth, that you dare not say.
It makes me cringe with dread, I flee
to my lush-green spot where you sit by me.

[tmanzano]

Lies is what you give, lies is what I seek.
Still the heart yearns, a word or two linger
through the night and start to reek.
Heavy, as laden nimbus, the silence prevails
occasionally broken by the questioning eyes.
You know you’re lost, I know I’m lost too,
abandoned is the way we were walking along.
I paint the walls green in my mind, pretend
it’s spring and see my garden in fullest bloom.
You know the green from gray and yet will not say,
you’ll let me be there, blissfully unaware
of the spring that’s long gone and withered.
But you do not know I can see it in your eyes,
a shadow of the wordless truth,
as dark as the darkest of moonless nights.
It makes me cringe with dread and I flee
to my lush-green spot where you sit by me.

Without being compromised by other posts. I wanted to reply here.

I see a break up. An almost over due one, as if it had been coming.
If this is the case, this is wonderfully done. If it is not, I will paint the walls green in my mind, pretend.

I can taste the denial in "its spring and see my garden in fullest bloom"
to be awaken by "blissfully unaware of the spring that's long gone and withered"

I loved the read.