Spatial Relationships

[milo]

My lover Kali has no eyes
but draws my face in glyphs
of synapse -
arms outstretched
and tipped with fingers dripped in char
she grasps the canvass
in bunched waves -
futile strokes of burnt umber
like she's drowning, grasping waves of sea.

I cannot give her light
or tell her why,
as she leans her sightless
eyes toward me,
a flower pressing to the coolness of the earth,
I pull away.

[Leanne]

I have a bit of a thing for Kali, I confess -- strong goddess, doesn't take any nonsense from anyone, but she still looks after her children and woe betide anyone who threatens the home she protects. Why "canvass"? Typo, or is she in marketing?

Instead of "like she's drowning", what about "as if she's drowning"? Just softer sounds is all, to continue the sibilance.

Would the last line work better on its own, rather than as part of that stanza?

Small things -- I am yet to decide why I like this, but I do.

[cidermaid]

Hi Milo
I like the art / drawing / painting thread through out this. I got a little lost in a couple of places with the idea of some of the images. I'll go through it AJ style and offer what thoughts I can.

My lover Kali has no eyes From Kali I get an image of blackness or darkness but also warrior female figure...defender of the family unit. So the blackness is emphasised by her sightless condition and the strength is diminished in my reading.
but draws my face in glyphs Nice. she draws (towards) and phisically as an art form...yet she uses words to make the connection from heavens to earth.
of synapse -
arms outstretched Speaks to me of need and longing. [...Pause for a smile, the narator, he who is loved, thinks that the he is superior to the goddess]
and tipped with fingers dripped in char Good continuation of the art thread - smooth read
she grasps the canvass A little lost here to define if the (art) canvass spoken of here is the face or the body of the narator ...not sure it matters to the read [? use of :- the . does this need to be my, if it was my face above]
in bunched waves - This is a bit of a big leap from the canvass image. I think i get what you are trying to convey her in terms of the fixed (slightly aloof) canvass of her desire that she is trowing herself against this, relentless like the waves drawing onto the beach; but I feel it is not a very smooth transition from one to the other in terms of thought progression
futile strokes of burnt umber Think this is beautiful. Love the use of burnt unber, it has so many associations
like she's drowning, grasping waves of sea. Second leanne's comment on this line

I cannot give her light Here we are shown her dependancy and craving and also a briefest flicker of conffession from the beloved, that he does not have it all. He is of the light and she is of the darkness and they cannot be joined. The mediums will not mix but equally this is because this is not his to give. Love the thought progression here - brilliant
or tell her why,
as she leans her sightless
eyes toward me, ? Do we need her on the line above or eyes on this line
a flower pressing to the coolness of the earth, Nice line but does feel a little wordy. Ah..what a heartless world we live in, where a poor blind, weakened goddess is turned away and denied the light of this man's art!
I pull away. Love the ending Not sure if I agree or not, with leanne about setting this on a line apart. Am thinking perhaps even a re-shuffle of the layout of the last three lines. Appoligies for the liberty below. Just some thoughts.

I cannot give her light
or tell her why,
she leans sightless toward me,
a flower pressing to the coolness of the earth.

I pull away.

Apreciate this. Very much enjoyed the read.
AJ.

[milo]

I have a bit of a thing for Kali, I confess -- strong goddess, doesn't take any nonsense from anyone, but she still looks after her children and woe betide anyone who threatens the home she protects. Why "canvass"? Typo, or is she in marketing?

Instead of "like she's drowning", what about "as if she's drowning"? Just softer sounds is all, to continue the sibilance.

Would the last line work better on its own, rather than as part of that stanza?

Small things -- I am yet to decide why I like this, but I do.

Yah, it is unfortunate the baggage names carry as I chose this one merely for sonics (and for the fact that I dated an artist named Kali for a while.)

Maybe Kaylie instead I suppose.

I told you, she was an artist, a blind artist. How do you think she could support herself without canvassing the neighborhood for sales . . .

hrmm . . .

nevermind, might be a typo.

milo

---

Hi Milo
I like the art / drawing / painting thread through out this. I got a little lost in a couple of places with the idea of some of the images. I'll go through it AJ style and offer what thoughts I can.

My lover Kali has no eyes From Kali I get an image of blackness or darkness but also warrior female figure...defender of the family unit. So the blackness is emphasised by her sightless condition and the strength is diminished in my reading.
but draws my face in glyphs Nice. she draws (towards) and phisically as an art form...yet she uses words to make the connection from heavens to earth.
of synapse -
arms outstretched Speaks to me of need and longing. [...Pause for a smile, the narator, he who is loved, thinks that the he is superior to the goddess]
and tipped with fingers dripped in char Good continuation of the art thread - smooth read
she grasps the canvass A little lost here to define if the (art) canvass spoken of here is the face or the body of the narator ...not sure it matters to the read [? use of :- the . does this need to be my, if it was my face above]
in bunched waves - This is a bit of a big leap from the canvass image. I think i get what you are trying to convey her in terms of the fixed (slightly aloof) canvass of her desire that she is trowing herself against this, relentless like the waves drawing onto the beach; but I feel it is not a very smooth transition from one to the other in terms of thought progression
futile strokes of burnt umber Think this is beautiful. Love the use of burnt unber, it has so many associations
like she's drowning, grasping waves of sea. Second leanne's comment on this line

I cannot give her light Here we are shown her dependancy and craving and also a briefest flicker of conffession from the beloved, that he does not have it all. He is of the light and she is of the darkness and they cannot be joined. The mediums will not mix but equally this is because this is not his to give. Love the thought progression here - brilliant
or tell her why,
as she leans her sightless
eyes toward me, ? Do we need her on the line above or eyes on this line
a flower pressing to the coolness of the earth, Nice line but does feel a little wordy. Ah..what a heartless world we live in, where a poor blind, weakened goddess is turned away and denied the light of this man's art!
I pull away. Love the ending Not sure if I agree or not, with leanne about setting this on a line apart. Am thinking perhaps even a re-shuffle of the layout of the last three lines. Appoligies for the liberty below. Just some thoughts.

I cannot give her light
or tell her why,
she leans sightless toward me,
a flower pressing to the coolness of the earth.

I pull away.

Apreciate this. Very much enjoyed the read.
AJ.

Thank you for your insight.
You have given me much to think about in my days of thinking about much.

milo

[tectak]

My lover Kali has no eyes
but draws my face in glyphs
of synapse -
arms outstretched
and tipped with fingers dripped in char
she grasps the canvass
in bunched waves -
futile strokes of burnt umber
like she's drowning, grasping waves of sea.

I cannot give her light
or tell her why,
as she leans her sightless
eyes toward me,
a flower pressing to the coolness of the earth,
I pull away.[[

Hi milo,
This is one of those pieces that only exists because of your interpretive instincts.
There is not a whole lot to pick on conceptually, because it is terse verse and the better for it...it is just long enough. Couple of nits. I felt that you had two waves coming too close together. My reading recall bumped over it the first fime but left me aware that there was something irritating the flow. Second read...wave on wave.
The dashed clause really works correctly for me-though there is a deal of additional information within-but I felt that the "glyphs of synapse" was over described.
Leanne mentioned the "like she's drowning" and I can only agree.
Just one overall niggle. The "idea" of the sightless Kali is not easily linked to the "draws my face" line. I wrestled a little with the complexity of the observation (wrong word for the same reason as follows) and wondered if "sees my face" was more suited? Your poem.
Best,
tectak

[billy]

just a couple of nits and that's all, the last stanza was a gem, the last line has enough ambiguity in it to make the reader think of more than one reason why he's pulling away.
the first line is one of the best opening lines i've read. the finger paiting thing you have going on is also excellent. i magine the 1st person with paint on their face as she tries to glean information from the study.
thanks for an excellent read

My lover Kali has no eyes great first line, like a wet fish to the face, it wakes the reader up and says....are you listening?
but draws my face in glyphs
of synapse - for me this line feels awkward.
arms outstretched
and tipped with fingers dripped in char great image.
she grasps the canvass should it be canvas?
in bunched waves -
futile strokes of burnt umber
like she's drowning, grasping waves of sea. not sure the 2nd waves work well enough, why not ' grasping the sea"?

I cannot give her light
or tell her why,
as she leans her sightless
eyes toward me,
a flower pressing to the coolness of the earth,
I pull away.

[milo]

just a couple of nits and that's all, the last stanza was a gem, the last line has enough ambiguity in it to make the reader think of more than one reason why he's pulling away.
the first line is one of the best opening lines i've read. the finger paiting thing you have going on is also excellent. i magine the 1st person with paint on their face as she tries to glean information from the study.
thanks for an excellent read

My lover Kali has no eyes great first line, like a wet fish to the face, it wakes the reader up and says....are you listening?
but draws my face in glyphs
of synapse - for me this line feels awkward.
arms outstretched
and tipped with fingers dripped in char great image.
she grasps the canvass should it be canvas?
in bunched waves -
futile strokes of burnt umber
like she's drowning, grasping waves of sea. not sure the 2nd waves work well enough, why not ' grasping the sea"?

I cannot give her light
or tell her why,
as she leans her sightless
eyes toward me,
a flower pressing to the coolness of the earth,
I pull away.

right about the canvas(s) as well as the double waves, Billy.
I go through periods where I suddenly start experimenting with repetition and sometimes, if it is done right, it can really work.
This isn't one of those times.

Thanks

milo