‘Eternal’, ‘love’, sneer!

[NakedBear]

2nd revision:

Love, eternal, sneer!

You should not talk of love to me, my dear.
A word that mutes a thousand more is not
to be condoned for use. At love I sneer.
This lust of ours won’t last that long, but rot
like fruit, consumed and then expelled below.
What of our love? Is love for all of time?
No. Time will lay all lovers low, and so
my love will not forever make you mine.
Now shun the word; to poets, let it lie,
who humor simple minds, while here we see
the truth between us now: these pleasures die.
But so it goes, sweet babe; stop blaming me.
Instead, define us right: as mortal want.
Enjoy! Eternal pleasure is a taunt!

1st revision:

Revisions are haaaarrrd.

I've tried to remove the archaic language, although I don't think I've quite gotten it all. Weird syntax should be less frequent, and the drama should be a bit reduced. I've left the very last line as it was, although it was seen as a bit forced. Oh, and I've changed the title a bit.

Revision:

Love, eternal, sneer!

You should not talk of love to me, my dear.
A word that mutes a thousand more is not
to be condoned for use. At love I sneer.
This lust of ours won’t last that long, but rot
like fruit, consumed and then expelled below.
What of our ‘love’? Is love for all of time?
No. Death or time will knock all lovers low.
My love will not forever make you mine.
So shun the word; to poets, let it lie,
to humor those simpletons while we see
the truth between us now: these pleasures die.
But so it goes, honey. Stop blaming me.
Instead, define us right: as mortal want.
Enjoy! ‘Eternal’ pleasure is a taunt!

Original:

Do not now speak to me of ‘love’, my dear.
A word that mutes a thousand more is not
to be condoned for use. At ‘love’ I sneer.
This lust will not forever last, but rot
like fruit, consumed and then expelled below.
So too our ‘love’? Is love for all of time?
All things, all beings must so waste, not grow.
Our love will not affix “forever mine!"
So shun this word. To poets leave it by,
so they can lie on meter while we see
the truth between us now: these pleasures die,
lust born; with jealous fear and shame to be.
Define us as we are! As mortal want!
Enjoy! ‘Eternal’ pleasure is a taunt!

EDIT: I missed a line when typing this out. Thank you saeity for pointing that out.

[mariamuse]

I love the image of lust as rotting fruit.

It might be interesting to take the content and explore; lust dies of course, but love too? You ask and say yes, but how do they differ in their deaths? Might be rich terrain to explore. Is one death faster than the other, more putrid, more slow and painful, more quick . . . .

Just an idea

[saeity]

Well I did like this, it is a pleasure to the ear, but why have you left it a line short of a sonnet?


regards saeity.

[NakedBear]

Well I did like this, it is a pleasure to the ear, but why have you left it a line short of a sonnet?


regards saeity.

Ack! Shit! I missed a line when typing this out (I do most of my work in pencil).

Thanks for pointing that out.

Shit.

Corrected.

Mikey.

[C.M.C.]

Do not now speak to me of ‘love’, my dear.
A word that mutes a thousand more is not
to be condoned for use. At ‘love’ I sneer. (I don't like how you split up the sentence. At first glance it's fine, and this may just be my OCD. But, when I look back on it, It bugs me.)
This lust will not forever last, but rot
like fruit, consumed and then expelled below. (It's the same thing with this line)
So too our ‘love’? Is love for all of time?
All things, all beings must so waste, not grow.
Our love will not affix “forever mine!"
So shun this word. To poets leave it by,
so they can lie on meter while we see
the truth between us now: these pleasures die,
lust born; with jealous fear and shame to be.
Define us as we are! As mortal want!
Enjoy! ‘Eternal’ pleasure is a taunt! [Looks like you threw that last line in there just to rhyme. Maybe put something like "Enjoy your 'eternal' pleasures I taunt." It has the same rhyme, but flows better. (plus I put "Eternal" to lowercase. I don't see a reason why its capitalized.)]

EDIT: I missed a line when typing this out. Thank you saeity for pointing that out.

I really like this poem! This is also my first critique so I hope I did well! As I said, Besides the things I listed I enjoyed it.

[NakedBear]

I love the image of lust as rotting fruit.

It might be interesting to take the content and explore; lust dies of course, but love too? You ask and say yes, but how do they differ in their deaths? Might be rich terrain to explore. Is one death faster than the other, more putrid, more slow and painful, more quick . . . .

Just an idea

Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts. I think you're right that a comparision like this would be interesting, and might well write a sonnet with that angle.

Mikey.

---

Well I did like this, it is a pleasure to the ear, but why have you left it a line short of a sonnet?


regards saeity.

Thank you, Saeity, for taking the time to read and comment. I did my darnedest to make this iambic, although I know I've compromised in places. And thanks again for pointing out that I had missed a line. That was quite an oversight on my part.

Mikey.

---

Hi C.M.C,

Your first critique is well done, I think. Thank you for offering it. And you might be right about the last line being a bit forced, so I'll give it some thought and may rewrite it.

Regarding your first two comments, you say you don't like that I split the sentence. You mean that I broke it across two lines, and you don't like the sound of it? If that is not your meaning, could you give some clarification?

Thank you for taking the time to give me critique.

Mikey.

[C.M.C.]

I love the image of lust as rotting fruit.

It might be interesting to take the content and explore; lust dies of course, but love too? You ask and say yes, but how do they differ in their deaths? Might be rich terrain to explore. Is one death faster than the other, more putrid, more slow and painful, more quick . . . .

Just an idea

Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts. I think you're right that a comparision like this would be interesting, and might well write a sonnet with that angle.

Mikey.

---

Well I did like this, it is a pleasure to the ear, but why have you left it a line short of a sonnet?


regards saeity.

Thank you, Saeity, for taking the time to read and comment. I did my darnedest to make this iambic, although I know I've compromised in places. And thanks again for pointing out that I had missed a line. That was quite an oversight on my part.

Mikey.

---

Hi C.M.C,

Your first critique is well done, I think. Thank you for offering it. And you might be right about the last line being a bit forced, so I'll give it some thought and may rewrite it.

Regarding your first two comments, you say you don't like that I split the sentence. You mean that I broke it across two lines, and you don't like the sound of it? If that is not your meaning, could you give some clarification?

Thank you for taking the time to give me critique.

Mikey.

Oh, now that I look back at it, it was nothing. I was new and didn't quite understand the whole splitting sentences through different lines thing. But now I realize that it's nothing out of the ordinary. Sorry for wasting time.

[NakedBear]

Oh, now that I look back at it, it was nothing. I was new and didn't quite understand the whole splitting sentences through different lines thing. But now I realize that it's nothing out of the ordinary. Sorry for wasting time.

No apology necessary.

Mikey.

[milo]

Hello Naked Bear! Nice to see a sonnet!

Do not now speak to me of ‘love’, my dear.

the voice is strangely archaic. I don't know if you are deliberately satirizing the romantics or not. If so, I would use more victorian language. If not, I would rephrase "do not now speak"

A word that mutes a thousand more is not
to be condoned for use. At ‘love’ I sneer.
This lust will not forever last, but rot
like fruit, consumed and then expelled below.

this is all pretty good. Theh voice is still Victorian, "expelled below" is interesting enough.

So too our ‘love’? Is love for all of time?
All things, all beings must so waste, not grow.

This line just doesn't really make sense in English. I don't know if it is the syntax or an inversion or what.


Our love will not affix “forever mine!"
So shun this word. To poets leave it by,

To poets leave it is inverted and by doesn't really add anything at all

so they can lie on meter while we see

hmm "lie /on/ meter"? Lie /with/ meter maybe?

the truth between us now: these pleasures die,
lust born; with jealous fear and shame to be.

"shame to be", again a syntactical oddity.

Define us as we are! As mortal want!
Enjoy! ‘Eternal’ pleasure is a taunt!

EDIT: I missed a line when typing this out. Thank you saeity for pointing that out.

All in all, a pleasant enough sonnet. There are a few rough spots where you let form force syntax and structure but I am sure you will have no problem in ironing those out during the redraft.

Thanks for sharing

milo

[NakedBear]

Hello Naked Bear! Nice to see a sonnet!

Do not now speak to me of ‘love’, my dear.

the voice is strangely archaic. I don't know if you are deliberately satirizing the romantics or not. If so, I would use more victorian language. If not, I would rephrase "do not now speak"

A word that mutes a thousand more is not
to be condoned for use. At ‘love’ I sneer.
This lust will not forever last, but rot
like fruit, consumed and then expelled below.

this is all pretty good. Theh voice is still Victorian, "expelled below" is interesting enough.

So too our ‘love’? Is love for all of time?
All things, all beings must so waste, not grow.

This line just doesn't really make sense in English. I don't know if it is the syntax or an inversion or what.


Our love will not affix “forever mine!"
So shun this word. To poets leave it by,

To poets leave it is inverted and by doesn't really add anything at all

so they can lie on meter while we see

hmm "lie /on/ meter"? Lie /with/ meter maybe?

the truth between us now: these pleasures die,
lust born; with jealous fear and shame to be.

"shame to be", again a syntactical oddity.

Define us as we are! As mortal want!
Enjoy! ‘Eternal’ pleasure is a taunt!

EDIT: I missed a line when typing this out. Thank you saeity for pointing that out.

All in all, a pleasant enough sonnet. There are a few rough spots where you let form force syntax and structure but I am sure you will have no problem in ironing those out during the redraft.

Thanks for sharing

milo

Hey milo,

It is a bit archaic in its language, although that was not consciously done. I'm thinking it's inexperience with the form, coupled with some lingering misconceptions about what makes a poem 'poemy' (new word- sorry ).

Over all, I've not yet learned to live within the confines of the sonnet, though I hope to do so in time. Right now I've almost finished my third sonnet and think it's suffering less of a romantic hangover.

Thanks for taking the time to comment. I will attempt to put everything right in the redraft.

Mikey.

[softlyfalling]

I am sitting all by myself over here in the corner, hating the image of lust as rotting fruit. Perhaps i romanticize lust too much, but who can really imagine love without it? Perhaps I romanticize love too much, but it can be eternal, it can last. I flatly refuse to give up my belief in happy endings.
But as sonnets go, the words are correct and the syntax is admirable.

[tectak]

Do not now speak to me of ‘love’, my dear.
A word that mutes a thousand more is not
to be condoned for use. At ‘love’ I sneer.
This lust will not forever last, but rot
like fruit, consumed and then expelled below.You mean shit?
So too our ‘love’? Is love for all of time?To or too? Either works but too may need commas.
All things, all beings must so waste, not grow.All things, and the love we had , to waste must go.
Our love will not affix “forever mine!"My love will not proclaim you're ever mine.
So shun this word. To poets leave it by,"So shun this word; to poets, let it lie, " (pun on lie)

so they can lie on meter while we see This last stanza is a runaway. You are looking to end your poem and are seeking out drama. Often, as Hitchcock knew, a cliff hanger works. The poignancy of ..."to poets, let it lie", I think, is enough. Your poem.
the truth between us now: these pleasures die,
lust born; with jealous fear and shame to be.
Define us as we are! As mortal want!
Enjoy! ‘Eternal’ pleasure is a taunt!

EDIT: I missed a line when typing this out. Thank you saeity for pointing that out.

....and not all that sings is a sonnet.
Best,
and well done,
tectak

This has had a good coat of looking at and I cannot contribute much more. It is a good effort. There some inconsistency of language, my dear. I don't know where this appendage comes from but it is much beloved of Indian (female) academics, who seem think that's how we all speak in blighty!
As for the quotes around your theme words... just not "necessary". You may feel you need them to bring out "forever mine", for the sake of the "forced rhyme" with the cliched "...all of time"...but you "don't".

[NakedBear]

This has had a good coat of looking at and I cannot contribute much more. It is a good effort. There some inconsistency of language, my dear. I don't know where this appendage comes from but it is much beloved of Indian (female) academics, who seem think that's how we all speak in blighty!
As for the quotes around your theme words... just not "necessary". You may feel you need them to bring out "forever mine", for the sake of the "forced rhyme" with the cliched "...all of time"...but you "don't".

Hey tectak. Took you long enough to comment. Down with the flu?

Haha. Seriously, thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts.

About 'my dear': now you know that girl Indian academics have much the same taste as white guys writing poetry in their underwear. Good for them!

I've given some thought to views of you, milo and others, and have done a revision, which I'll post next up in the OP. For you I've tried to reduce the drama a bit, and I hope it works out alright.

PS: the line with 'all of time' is just what I want. Maybe my cynicism isn't coming through clearly enough, but I really intend to mock this cliche.

PPS: In your suggestion about the 'poets' line, you put a comma in the middle of a foot. Is that alright? I hope so, cause I took it unmodified, although it gave me pause.

Mikey.

---

I am sitting all by myself over here in the corner, hating the image of lust as rotting fruit. Perhaps i romanticize lust too much, but who can really imagine love without it? Perhaps I romanticize love too much, but it can be eternal, it can last. I flatly refuse to give up my belief in happy endings.
But as sonnets go, the words are correct and the syntax is admirable.

You're not cynical about lust, love and romance? I think that's probably a good thing. Myself, I've let them get the better of me a few times, and things did not work out well.

Oh, and I've put up a revision. I don't think it'll please you much better, especially as speaker calls everyone that disagrees with him a 'simpleton'. Understand that I don't take that view, and really like it when people find satisfying, long-lasting love and lust.

Speaker is just a bit of a twat, is all (and I am by extension? YES! Of course. )

Mikey.

[tectak]

Revisions are haaaarrrd.

I've tried to remove the archaic language, although I don't think I've quite gotten it all. Weird syntax should be less frequent, and the drama should be a bit reduced. I've left the very last line as it was, although it was seen as a bit forced. Oh, and I've changed the title a bit.

Revision:

Love, eternal, sneer!

You should not talk of love to me, my dear.
A word that mutes a thousand more is not
to be condoned for use. At love I sneer.
This lust of ours won’t last that long, but rot
like fruit, consumed and then expelled below.
What of our ‘love’? Is love for all of time?
No. Death or time will knock all lovers low. Not happy here.Low and low is a tad forced. "Death or time will steal all love, so no." This avoids the poor rhyme, whilst emphasising the point with reason before result. Cause then effect. Your poem.
My love will not forever make you mine.
So shun the word; to poets, let it lie, Full stop, surely?
to humor those simpletons while we see
the truth between us now: these pleasures die. Meter.
to humour those of simpler minds we see"
But so it goes, honey. Stop blaming me. Emphasis. "But so it goes, sweet babe; stop blaming me." otherwise you are forced to say hun/knee.
Instead, define us right: as mortal want.
Enjoy! ‘Eternal’ pleasure is a taunt! "Still" do not see why the quotes around Eternal. Its not as if it has two meanings and you mean the other one
A great edit. This is a nice piece. I would tinker with it 'till it set on fire, but right now it is smouldering nicely. Well done.
Best,
tectak

Original:

Do not now speak to me of ‘love’, my dear.
A word that mutes a thousand more is not
to be condoned for use. At ‘love’ I sneer.
This lust will not forever last, but rot
like fruit, consumed and then expelled below.
So too our ‘love’? Is love for all of time?
All things, all beings must so waste, not grow.
Our love will not affix “forever mine!"
So shun this word. To poets leave it by,
so they can lie on meter while we see
the truth between us now: these pleasures die,
lust born; with jealous fear and shame to be.
Define us as we are! As mortal want!
Enjoy! ‘Eternal’ pleasure is a taunt!

EDIT: I missed a line when typing this out. Thank you saeity for pointing that out.

[NakedBear]

Alrighty! I've attempted to address your above points, tectak. I've even removed the quotes (*sob*) and wonder if I'm the only one that ever loved them!

Mikey.