Somebody Loved

[softlyfalling]

I am not permitted to delete, it seems

[NakedBear]

Sun bends down
to lick the yearning flesh of Earth
whose belly ends another flight
through shining day-
the sea turns into wine.

I am naked for the sun.
With eager, open mouth
I devour the days
and make the lazy seasons run.

My breasts,
as true a refuge as the earth,
wait for the kiss of night before
time steals my supple hearth.

Then,
having loved
for love’s sake,
death can come.

So, stanzas one and two personify earth and sun as lovers. A nice image (esp line 1 and 2). Then in stanza three speaker appears and is then equated as the earth from the first two stanzas.

All good. But who is night, and what is hearth? Earth above was lover of the sun, but here speaker seems anticipating a different lover. And does earth have a hearth? Is hearth meaning the earth's molten core, which will certainly cool with time? It's not so clear.

And so the last stanza has lost its punch for me, because I've become a bit muddled in the one before it.

So, all in all, I really liked the images opening this piece. But the nature of speaker and her lover could do with more clarification. At least, I think so.

Mikey.

[softlyfalling]

Sun bends down
to lick the yearning flesh of Earth
whose belly ends another flight
through shining day-
the sea turns into wine.

I am naked for the sun.
With eager, open mouth
I devour the days
and make the lazy seasons run.

My breasts,
as true a refuge as the earth,
wait for the kiss of night before
time steals my supple hearth.

Then,
having loved
for love’s sake,
death can come.

So, stanzas one and two personify earth and sun as lovers. A nice image (esp line 1 and 2). Then in stanza three speaker appears and is then equated as the earth from the first two stanzas.

All good. But who is night, and what is hearth? Earth above was lover of the sun, but here speaker seems anticipating a different lover. And does earth have a hearth? Is hearth meaning the earth's molten core, which will certainly cool with time? It's not so clear.

And so the last stanza has lost its punch for me, because I've become a bit muddled in the one before it.

So, all in all, I really liked the images opening this piece. But the nature of speaker and her lover could do with more clarification. At least, I think so.

Mikey.

I'm so confused...am I supposed to make my images more clear to you or simply thank you for the generous words?
Not in self-defense, but out of courtesy because you were confused, then:
The Earth...the earth is what the sun kisses when it sets...I am that earth in my personal mythology. When the sun sets, darkness overwhelms, hence this kiss of night, and night is euphemistic for death in the aforementioned self-myth. Hearth is where the home fires burn, fire is life enforcing...death steals it away because I no longer exist on the mortal plane...
sigh...was it really that awful?

[justcloudy]

softlyfalling,
Don't feel discouraged if people don't see what you see in your poetry. After all how could we know about your personal mythology? It's great you have that to spur you to write, but don't expect us to get it--and that's ok. What's important is that you write something that has meaning for you, but is open/clear enough for other people to insert their life experience. That's why images are so important, because everyone sees something slightly different in their heads, created from their imagination; the words in the poem give us a structure, a scaffolding if you will, with which to construct that picture. So in the end, if the images aren't clear enough in the words, we're no long all on the same page.
Not sure if that makes sense to anyone other than me, but that's how I view poetry, and its beauty. There will always be someone who doesn't like it and plenty of people who don't get it. But you're not writing for them, so it's ok.

Anyway about the poem, I basically agree with Mikey. The first two stanzas are very strong and then I just got confused. Maybe you could head in a different direction than you wanted for the second half, or keep the ideas but change the wording. Anyway it isn't at all a "bad" poem, just not perfect (and what is?? ;p )

[softlyfalling]

softlyfalling,
Don't feel discouraged if people don't see what you see in your poetry. After all how could we know about your personal mythology? It's great you have that to spur you to write, but don't expect us to get it--and that's ok. What's important is that you write something that has meaning for you, but is open/clear enough for other people to insert their life experience. That's why images are so important, because everyone sees something slightly different in their heads, created from their imagination; the words in the poem give us a structure, a scaffolding if you will, with which to construct that picture. So in the end, if the images aren't clear enough in the words, we're no long all on the same page.
Not sure if that makes sense to anyone other than me, but that's how I view poetry, and its beauty. There will always be someone who doesn't like it and plenty of people who don't get it. But you're not writing for them, so it's ok.

Anyway about the poem, I basically agree with Mikey. The first two stanzas are very strong and then I just got confused. Maybe you could head in a different direction than you wanted for the second half, or keep the ideas but change the wording. Anyway it isn't at all a "bad" poem, just not perfect (and what is?? ;p )

It makes a lot of sense. More then that...it is enlightening and I can absorb it all and let it filter in to the chthonic reaches of my own mad mad world. I never thought of it that way, that images could illustrate my thoughts such that people OUTSIDE of my head could relate to the ones IN SIDE of my head!. Perhaps because for all of my life I have had trouble making myself understood and I may have given up...but HOPE renewed, i will edit the poem.

[justcloudy]

I love the edit. ^_____^ Lots of images for me to chew on, and the story is much more clear. Nice work.

[Tommy]

I don't know, I think I liked it better before the edit. I read it as I've had my day in the sun and can go home happy juxtaposed with I've had a good life and now I can die happy. I just don't think that stanza's 3 & 4 were as brightly lit as when we were on the beach. It's much harder to condense a lifetime into a few lines of prose, than to condense a sunny day. Your edit seems to me that you've abandoned your central idea. A good day/night & a good life/death. That's too good an idea to abandon.

[softlyfalling]

I don't know, I think I liked it better before the edit. I read it as I've had my day in the sun and can go home happy juxtaposed with I've had a good life and now I can die happy. I just don't think that stanza's 3 & 4 were as brightly lit as when we were on the beach. It's much harder to condense a lifetime into a few lines of prose, than to condense a sunny day. Your edit seems to me that you've abandoned your central idea. A good day/night & a good life/death. That's too good an idea to abandon.

Thank you very much, I always consider and respect every comment. If this were intended to be a lifetime-in-a-nutshell poem, your ideas would be so very valid. But my intent was to create a gestalt image of earth/woman at dusk/death...one snapshot, one single analogy, not an ode to life well spent.
But, your comment has given me inspiration to take the first draft and create something like you envisioned, this time with deliberateness. Thank you so much for that.