A Heavy Debt

[Medusa]

You don't owe me happiness--
a soft place to fall
when bones are poking through the skin,
and when peace of mind wears thin,
don't look to fix and mend,
don't lift and push and bend,
just reach.
Fingers stretched towards me--
I'll see.
And even if we don't make contact today,
I'll know.
I'll know that you are here to stay.

[NakedBear]

Those first three lines are lovely. Soft landing places and broken bones in the same image contrast well.

L4: how does peace of mind wear thin? It's a metaphor, but what peace of mind is being compared to is not clear, which suggests it's cliche.

Maybe instead of 'make contact' you might use 'touch'?

A pretty nice read, and an agreeable sentiment.

Mikey.

[neena2504]

Hi Medusa,

Loved your poem, it is beautiful. I am a novice in this but may I suggest something?
Could you replace the 'make contact' in the penultimate line with something like 'connect', 'touch' or 'meet'? That part is breaking the smooth flow of your poem.
Cheers

[Medusa]

Thank you both for the feedback! I will make the appropriate changes

[Todd]

Hi Medusa,

L3: Maybe a tense change "are poking" to "poke"

L4: Instead of peace of mind can you come up with an image that expresses the idea.

L5-7: I like the cadence of these lines.

L8: Again I wonder about present tense "stretch". I like the motion you introduce into the poem.

Just some thoughts.

Best,

Todd

You don't owe me happiness--
a soft place to fall
when bones are poking through the skin,
and when peace of mind wears thin,
don't look to fix and mend,
don't lift and push and bend,
just reach.
Fingers stretched towards me--
I'll see.
And even if we don't make contact today,
I'll know.
I'll know that you are here to stay.

[BlackSeconds]

I really liked this poem, and the feeling of it went straight to my heart.
L3; "When bones are poking throught the skin" and L10; "And even if we dont make contact today" Were my favourite lines in the poem. Thank you for the read.

-Marte