Oblivion

[softlyfalling]

I am not permitted to delete, it seems

[justcloudy]

Hi softlyfalling
Your poetry has a tendency to obscurity which for this reader is frustrating and intriguing all at once. Call me uncouth if you please, but I've always had a hard time with "classical" poetry, opting for more prose-like styles (which you've probably noticed from my writing). Anyway back to this piece, I can really connect to it, see myself in it--I'm still mildly afraid of the dark, and as a child/teenager all sorts of dark things would pop from the dark into my mind. I have nothing to say critique-wise other than thanks for sharing this, and I'm sure I'll be reading it over and over.

[softlyfalling]

justcloudy: thank you. I appreciate your candor and ingenuousness. Isn't it a sort of cosmic irony? You and I are on opposite poles in terms of the poetry we create and comprehend but...
both afraid of the same darkness..

[tectak]

Oblivion

Twilight eclipsed day like raven wing-there is something holistically cliched here. I can't put my finger on it but the whole line exudes familiar metaphor. Enough. That last hyphen does nothing except erroneously elide wing-night. It really ought to be a full-stop.
Night crept over me like damp decay,The over reliance upon commas is reaching epidemic proportions Opinion here. Semi-colon after decay, avoid the capitalising of each line. It is a bit old-hat. Things DO change.
Setting free the shadow at my heel
To embrace its source, a danse macabre
In miniature, which I followed down
Into the brink of deep unconsciousness.The brink of anything is thin. To thin to go in to. You can "reach" it though. How about " to the brink..."

In this stanza, your need to dash comes into play.
to embrace its source-a danse macabre
in miniature- which I followed down
to the brink of deep unconsciousness.


Inside the flannel bars of child-fright cage,Though I don't claim to understand this, the lack of any "article" before "child-fright cage" makes me think I should. Is this "child-fright cage" so well known as an expression that it can be used like "prison"? Help.
My dreams did sing, like stray cats, each to each;Yoda -speak. Sing your dreams did...or sang? Short of a beat? "sang out".
Birds outside argued the case against
Me, while within I paled and pled my ownI would normally howl obsolete to "pled" BUT I think you have thought this one through. Once you put "on bony knees" you are bang on. "pled" is out of use but still hangs on in the legal profession AND when you are right down on your bony knees. I like it.
On bony knees— I fought the noose of night...but there goes another dash. You are in trouble here. You need to strongly split the kneeling from the swinging. The dash is just not strong enough. You are on your knees fighting the noose of night then you are hoist high and swinging down. It is all a bit hurried. Get a bloody great full-stop after knees then add a little more to explain the posture shift.
‘Til the end, my body came swinging down.

Now in the dark as vast as space and time,
In fetal pose I tremble in my sleep.Not sure this last adds anything...in fact, it is puzzling. I could not sleep, trembling or otherwise. "as vast as space and time " is cliched and for that reason alone you could ditch these two lines.

An old theme, but not one which that gets any less interesting because everyone has dissimilar dark thoughts on the dream of death, or after death, experience. Towards the end, you added the the piquancy of the gallows to this; there have been several stories ( A Hanging, by George Orwell, comes to mind) and verses written on the subject. I did, however, enjoy the mental transportation to the "outside" world...birdsong particularly..and empathised. I noted that few birds sing in the dark, so this was apposite and reinforced the fear of the dark.
Best,
tectak

[cidermaid]

Hi,
I keep coming back to this one to have another read. I really enjoy the strong story and image lines you have here and the flow / progression of these to take me through the dark watches of the night.
I Have to say that I would second Tectak in his comments about punctuation and in particular I do not like the capital letter at the start of every line, for me it will always spoil the flow of the read as I then need to search out the natural or proper punctuation points and this takes my eye away from the word choice. (I know I am a fine one to talk - my punctuation often leaves a lot to be desired, but knowing how much you cherish your word choices from your other thread comments, I wanted to put this thought out there for you to think on - I feel that the punctuation should be like the support act to the main star of the show, which should always be the individual words and the connections between these to make a cohesive whole...hope this makes some sort of sense).

Oblivion

Twilight eclipsed day like raven wing- Not sure the raven wing is working for me as an image by itself. Perhaps need to inject some other adjective here to modify the action of the wing. OR..Just an idea : Daylight succumbed to twilight in the beat of a ravens' wing ...as an image idea not the line structure.
Night crept over me like damp decay, love this line
Setting free the shadow at my heel and again like this
To embrace its source, a danse macabre ? full stop after source. Love dance of death in minature
In miniature, which I followed down
Into the brink of deep unconsciousness. nice. I like the simplicity of this

Inside the flannel bars of child-fright cage,
My dreams did sing, like stray cats, each to each; ? dreams did sing...Tec is right. Yoda speak here! But like the image.
Birds outside argued the case against
Me, while within I paled and pled my own
On bony knees— I fought the noose of night
‘Til the end, my body came swinging down. Really nice phrasing and images the birds being outside offer a great contrast to the inner fright and fight. also I get a sense of reality breaking into the dream. (Morning is comming)

Now in the dark as vast as space and time, I disagree with tec here. I think these lines or at least the thought progression should stay. I think they are a good closing image, but perhaps the second last line is a bit tired in word choice so maybe consider reworking this.
In fetal pose I tremble in my sleep. I like this line.

Thanks for the read. I enjoyed this very much.
as ever any thoughts or suggestions are just opinion...take only what is helpful.
All the best AJ.

[rayheinrich]

Not gonna touch any meaning-stuff here;
just gonna criticize your iam-5 mechanics
by example:

As twilight's raven wing eclipsed the day
And night crept over me like damp decay,
It freed the shadow fastened to my heel
Let it embrace its source, a danse macabre
The miniature of which I followed down
Into the brink of deep unconsciousness.

Inside the flannel bars of child-fright cage,
My dreams did sing, like stray cats, each to each;
The birds outside they argued 'gainst my case
While here within I paled and pled my own
On bony knees I fought the noose of night
‘Til in the end, my body did swing down.

Now in the dark as vast as space and time,
In fetal pose I tremble in my sleep.


P.S. Raven wings and "pled"'s (which I love BTW)
cry out for capitalized 1st characters. Show some
mercy: those lines gonna get mighty cold without
their caps.

[softlyfalling]

Thank you, all of you, for reading closely enough to make comments. I will ruminate on every one of them and eventually figure out what to do with them, if anything.
I feel sort of sad...at a disadvantage...I only vaguely know who/what Yoda IS! I have not seen a lot of movies, having been removed from society for two decades in psychiatric hospitals...and even now, I rarely watch television. I suppose in this day and age, a poet needs to broaden beyond literature to source references and symbolism. But, it seems so overwhelming, to try to enter that whole arena with no tools. No weapons, is really what it feels like.

[rayheinrich]

Thank you, all of you, for reading closely enough to make comments. I will ruminate on every one of them and eventually figure out what to do with them, if anything.
I feel sort of sad...at a disadvantage...I only vaguely know who/what Yoda IS! I have not seen a lot of movies, having been removed from society for two decades in psychiatric hospitals...and even now, I rarely watch television. I suppose in this day and age, a poet needs to broaden beyond literature to source references and symbolism. But, it seems so overwhelming, to try to enter that whole arena with no tools. No weapons, is really what it feels like.

Ah, but such a great advantage when writing poems!

Ray

P.S. Got some mental health problems myself, always glad to see
I've got company. (Well, maybe 'glad' is the wrong word. And oh,
must compare meds some day.

P.P.S. Wiki entry for Yoda:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yoda

[joshuacan]

Oblivion

Twilight eclipsed day like raven wing-
Night crept over me like damp decay,
Setting free the shadow at my heel
To embrace its source, a danse macabre
In miniature, which I followed down
Into the brink of deep unconsciousness.

Inside the flannel bars of child-fright cage,
My dreams did sing, like stray cats, each to each;
Birds outside argued the case against
Me, while within I paled and pled my own
On bony knees— I fought the noose of night
‘Til the end, my body came swinging down.

Now in the dark as vast as space and time,
In fetal pose I tremble in my sleep.

The line "Into the brink of deep unconsciousness" is absolute perfection. It is subtle, brilliant, and quite frankly, quotable. The line also sets up and flows into the next paragraph very well.

It has a stream-of-consciousness feel, but to me it lacks a line that ties it together near the end. The ending is feeble and unassuming. It is a letdown. The second to last line is boring and unimaginative; it needs to be a deeper and more chilling exploration of the darkness.

[softlyfalling]

Thank you Joshua...since that same comment about the weak ending keeps bashing me over the head, I will do some intensive editing when I am not fuzzy with dreams in the wee hours of the morning...any ideas? Seriously, I am not sure where to go with this.

[joshuacan]

Sure! I like the theme on the last two lines, but given that other line, I know that it can go deeper. Since the theme (to me) is about being unable to escape the cold darkness, perhaps the last stanza could summarize and epitomize the whole poem in a vivid and succinct metaphor/piece of imagery.

Some ideas for the last lines (feel free to disregard, use etc):
1. The coldest embrace of the darkness, I am gripped by loneliness.
2. Trapped within infinite darkness, I tremble in my sleep.
3. Alone in indifferent darkness, I tremble in fetal position.

[softlyfalling]

joshuacan:

"Some ideas for the last lines (feel free to disregard, use etc):
1. The coldest embrace of the darkness, I am gripped by loneliness.
2. Trapped within infinite darkness, I tremble in my sleep.
3. Alone in indifferent darkness, I tremble in fetal position."

Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! Somehow these ideas freed my frozen mind... see what you think of the edit, please

[joshuacan]

Ohhhhhh, I like it. Permanently stuck in an impermanent state. Well done!

[NakedBear]

Hey softlyfalling. Can you do me huge favour? Leave up the originals of your work so I can see the progression of your changes. That kind of thing is very helpful. But of course, you are not obligated to do so.

Mikey.

[softlyfalling]

Mikey:
Of course, no problem.
I checked out the protocol for that and it seems I should just add the edited poem entire after an indicator that it is a rewrite.
Thank you for letting me know.
Amy