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With genitals tucked out of view,
his hand slowly reached his hip,
they were all sure that they knew,
leaning drunk he puckered his lips.
His hand slowly reached his hip,
they were all sure that they knew,
leaning in he puckered his lips,
the boys formed an orderly queue.
They were all sure that they knew,
leaning in he puckered his lips,
the boys formed an orderly queue,
he spun round not feeling the kicks.
Leaning in he puckered his lips,
the boys formed an orderly queue,
he spun round not feeling the kicks,
they took turns to beat him anew.
The boys formed an orderly queue,
he spun round not feeling the kicks,
they took turns to break him anew,
his mental age was said to be six.
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
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[Must admit I whilst reading I did not get the repetition until the last line which brought the whole together beautifully.
never make someone your priority when to them you are only an option
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Wait, new, or knew?
I'll be there in a minute.
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(03-12-2013, 05:49 PM)newsclippings Wrote: Wait, new, or knew?
Damn Knew, thanks
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
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was very confused. despite the glitch, this is a good piece.
and i don't even like repetition
I'll be there in a minute.
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well damn blast I really like this. The repetition is great [I have a fascination with repetition and this poem is just my cup of tea on that front]. The whole thing works for me, content, phrasing and of course repetition. It could be a little tighter, but it's hardly anything to mention. thanks.
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its almost a pantoum in fact it probably is a pantoum or a variation thereof
got hung up on the last stanza a bit, but good effort,
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liked it too.
Last line is a cutie!
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Hi
I'm almost becomeing a bore when it comes to your poetry...I liked this one too. I loved the repitition and 2nd Billy's comment that this is a form of pantoume.
Although for me this has some sad undertones and currents running through it I feel.
I got an image of a mentally weak or disturbed person from that last line and found it very poignant.
(I know a mental patient who came along [by the bus load as an outing] to my last church. He used to do an amazing a grafically correct of Michael Jackson doing his thriller dance...which he always perfomed at least once durring the service to any of the upbeat songs. It was always amusing to watch the reactions of any visitors that week.
But your poem made me think of this wonderful character and what might have been his experiance in life if he had not been in a careing enviroment).
sorry this was a bit of an odd comment to leave.
AJ.
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(03-13-2013, 06:54 AM)cidermaid Wrote: Hi
I'm almost becomeing a bore when it comes to your poetry...I liked this one too. I loved the repitition and 2nd Billy's comment that this is a form of pantoume.
Although for me this has some sad undertones and currents running through it I feel.
I got an image of a mentally weak or disturbed person from that last line and found it very poignant.
(I know a mental patient who came along [by the bus load as an outing] to my last church. He used to do an amazing a grafically correct of Michael Jackson doing his thriller dance...which he always perfomed at least once durring the service to any of the upbeat songs. It was always amusing to watch the reactions of any visitors that week.
But your poem made me think of this wonderful character and what might have been his experiance in life if he had not been in a careing enviroment).
sorry this was a bit of an odd comment to leave.
AJ.
Thanks AJ yes you capture it well, this was my take on how school integration can fail miserably it also so could be true of so called care in the community when budget cuts push vulnerable people out to fend for themselves.
(03-12-2013, 06:08 PM)newsclippings Wrote: was very confused. despite the glitch, this is a good piece.
and i don't even like repetition
Thanks Newsclippings, I dont like repetition either but it just seemed to fit. TOMH
(03-12-2013, 04:34 PM)Smiffy Wrote: [Must admit I whilst reading I did not get the repetition until the last line which brought the whole together beautifully.
Thanks Smiffy much appreciated. TOMH
(03-12-2013, 07:16 PM)shemthepenman Wrote: well damn blast I really like this. The repetition is great [I have a fascination with repetition and this poem is just my cup of tea on that front]. The whole thing works for me, content, phrasing and of course repetition. It could be a little tighter, but it's hardly anything to mention. thanks.
Thanks for the kind words shem, TOMH
(03-12-2013, 10:28 PM)billy Wrote: its almost a pantoum in fact it probably is a pantoum or a variation thereof
got hung up on the last stanza a bit, but good effort,
Thanks Billy I'm not sure what it is?
Yes I agree on the last stanza, I tried to avoid saying mental age and got a bit lost, I will review. TOMH
(03-12-2013, 11:47 PM)serge gurkski Wrote: liked it too.
Last line is a cutie!
Thanks Serge glad you think so. TOMH
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
