So I recently began listening to a lot of spoken word and was inspired to write a poem. Please be aware I probably haven't written a poem since I was forced to do it in the 3rd grade. So I'm new to this in every sense of the word. So I apologize if this is cliche, poorly written, or blows harder than a whale coming up for air :-). I didn't have a place to share this with people who I don't know on a personal level, so I came here. Thank you however for viewing this and leaving any feedback, it is much appreciated.
Every time you see me it's like you woke to a bad dream
I don't apologize but I'm sorry that I'm not that thing
You needed or expected
But like a four foot fat kid on the basketball team I still feel rejected
The average mans pain and strife
The soul being cut by the blunt edge of a rusty kitchen knife
But don't get it confused because I do love my life
Cause you helped bring it light
That pierced through the carmel brown darkness brought on by a man named Jameson who visited every night
But you know what...fuck you...I deserve better and I know I'm right
Haha...look at me writing poetry..this must be a fucking sight.
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There's enough here to interest me in the subject.
(03-10-2013, 02:43 AM)mrfurly Wrote: Every time you see me it's like you woke to a bad dream
I don't apologize but I'm sorry that I'm not that thing
You needed or expected
But like a four foot fat kid on the basketball team I still feel rejected
presumably the speaker knows a bit about why he's unwanted. It would be helpful to me if some of those reasons are put forward. Maybe they can be put forward, then the speaker can rebut them
The average mans pain and strife
The soul being cut by the blunt edge of a rusty kitchen knife
But don't get it confused because I do love my life
Cause you helped bring it light
That pierced through the carmel brown darkness brought on by a man named Jameson who visited every night
But you know what...fuck you...I deserve better and I know I'm right
Haha...look at me writing poetry..this must be a fucking sight.
Who's that Jameson guy and why does he bring carmel brown darkness?
You mention rusty knives, but don't tell what those knives are. Use a metaphor or simile.
and then your turn with "fuck you..." and say you deserve better. Why?
Anyway, I'm interested, but you'll have to tell me more before some other feeling takes shape in addition to that interest.
Mikey
First of all thanks for the response and viewing this, I really appreciate it. I'll use your feedback to make some revisions.
Jameson is a brand of whiskey by the why. I hope that makes things a little more clear.
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Hi Mrfurly,
I'm not a big fan of "I don't apologize but I'm sorry" in the first stanza but overall I think it's a pretty good opener referencing emotional abuse and self hatred (represented especially in the last line). But I think I felt like I could've used a little more here. Maybe you can add a few more images for us to think about.
Should be "man's" in the S2L1?
L3 is a problem for me. You mention "don't get it confused" I stumbled over what "it" was here
And same problem with "That" on the next line.
I do understand the reference to Jameson all too well! And I appreciate this addition to the poem, I think it helps me understand the struggle you are having with this person. (It's my understanding that perhaps they helped you get sober, so now a part of you feels like you owe them something even though the relationship appears to not be healthy)
Well anyways. Hope this was of some use.
Thanks for the read
-M
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Instead of writing 'I'm not that thing' write 'I'm not what you needed.' It sounds more like how we talk on an everyday basis. The talk about the 'fat' kid is offensive to some. Instead of that: The last picked in gym class? but edit that any way you want. Me writing poetry is a sight, too!
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Hi mrfurly, quite an insight into a certain place at a bad time, and i like the 'up yours' feeling to tie it up. Overall a good piece having not written for ages
I wouldn't generally do this because I consider it quite rude, but...
Instead of writing 'I'm not that thing' write 'I'm not what you needed.' It sounds more like how we talk on an everyday basis.
Never consider you talk the same as the next person, to assume is to make an ASS out of U and ME
saeity.
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your self critisism is a good starting point to let your work evolve.
