working class aristorcrat

[escorial]

i was born into aristocracy
me garandad was a miner
my father was a docker
me mum was a aristourcrats daughter

brought up on a council estate
next to the workmans mission
mum often helped out in the kitchen
very respected old dear

holidays in a statley home
mums family never at home
servants showed us were to go
pictures of family history on the wall

dad enjoyed being a toff on holiday
drank claret and smoked cigars
mum helped servants do there work
i played in the great hall

when mums dad died she cried
dad expressed sadness and regret
lawyer visited an read the will
me i just played in the street

dads now lord of the manor
mum acts like a lady to
my carfree days are gone
im now an aristourcrats son.

[tectak]

i was born into aristocracy
me garandad was a miner
my father was a docker
me mum was a aristourcrats daughter

brought up on a council estate7
next to the workmans mission
mum often helped out in the kitchen
very respected old dear

holidays in a statley home
mums family never at home
servants showed us were to go
pictures of family history on the wall

dad enjoyed being a toff on holiday
drank claret and smoked cigars
mum helped servants do there work
i played in the great hall

when mums dad died she cried
dad expressed sadness and regret
lawyer visited an read the will
me i just played in the street

dads now lord of the manor
mum acts like a lady to
my carfree days are gone
im now an aristourcrats son.

Hi escorial,
Right...I just love this! You will hear me moan and groan incessantly about (accidental) mis-spelling, inconsistent ( accidental) rhyme, random ( accidental) punctuation, bizarre (accidental) form and infuriatingly poor (accidental) syntax...but this is fabulous. Very,very well done. You cannot get away with this twice...but what you have done here is kick me in the balls in a very acceptable way!
This is, I am sure (so probably wrong!) a very contrived and pointed dig at my crit, or not,to goldy. I can take it.
I must stop. I want to read it again.
Many thanks for the read. Best thing I have read for quite some time. Now write something to show me 'ow sucksinked you can be!
Best,
tectak

[Leanne]

YOU MUST GIVE FEEDBACK BEFORE POSTING A POEM

This is written in both the forum description AND the forum rules, which are at the top of the page when you open Serious Critique. Please familiarise yourself with the rules before posting further/ admin

[saeity]

Hi escorial, I am really liking this my only crit apart from the lack of punctuation, in which you leave us pondering as to what's intentional would be that i'd like to see the continuation of dialect

me garandad was a miner- love this, could visualize someone from oop north. Thanks for the read

saeity.

[escorial]

tectak..your critique is somethink i find helps me to appreciate were i can improve...i'm not a natural well educated level as i think some are on here ..