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I'm going in deep.
(Love me, babe, love me like you know me.)
I'm going in slow.
(Hurt me, babe, in this dark I am your pain.)
I'm going in hard.
(Feel me, babe, for just this time, you own me)
I'm going in fast.
(Fuck me, babe, again,again,again)
I'm going in fast.
( Kill me, babe, take me to the sky)
I'm going in fast.
( Love me, babe, love me like you care)
l'm coming, you're mine.
(Love me, babe, love me 'til I cry)
I'm coming, I'M THERE!
(Love me...love me...love me...love me...love me...LOVE ME)
Original
I'm going in deep.
(Love me, babe, love me like you know me.)
I'm going in slow.
(Hurt me, babe, in this dark I am your pain.)
I'm going in hard.
(Feel me, babe, for just this time, you own me)
I'm going in fast.
(Fuck me, babe, ride against the chain)
I'm going in fast.
( Kill me, babe, take me to the sky)
I'm going in fast.
( Love me, babe, love me like you care)
l'm coming, you're mine.
(Love me, babe, love me 'til I cry)
I'm coming, I'M THERE!
(Love me...love me...love me...love me...love me...LOVE ME)
I'm going.
tectak
2013
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(03-09-2013, 07:56 PM)tectak Wrote: I'm going in deep.
(Love me, babe, love me like you know me.)
I'm going in slow.
(Hurt me, babe, in this dark I am your pain.)
I'm going in hard.
(Feel me, babe, for just this time, you own me)
I'm going in fast.
(Fuck me, babe, ride against the chain)
I'm going in fast.
( Kill me, babe, take me to the sky) <--- love this line best. ,-)
I'm going in fast.
( Love me, babe, love me like you care)
l'm coming, you're mine.
(Love me, babe, love me 'til I cry)
I'm coming, I'M THERE!
(Love me...love me...love me...love me...love me...LOVE ME)
I'm going.
tectak
2013
I like it a lot, even if, or because of, the sad fact that you stole my entre-parenthèses-trick. Whatever! Whatsoever is mine shall be your's!
I just don't know why you post this little cutie here, with you not seriously expecting serious critiquing because there are not nits detectable, as you know yourself quite well. (You are quite well aware of your pornograffiting skills.)
When I just wrote: no nits to be detected, I of course meant: unde tectable on the surface. Below the surface, though, linger demonic forces riding you, I could undisclose to an openmouthed public (salivating over the prospect of my washing your dirty laundry here). But fuck all those voyeurs, because Leanne on another thread correctly remarked with appreciable arrogance that it's not the poet's job to explain their texts to the readership, and by that same token let me state that it is not the critic's business to explain anyone else's intentions to other anyone elses (unless of course getting paid for this cumbersome work).
Having puked out this
Fare thee well!
maddog serge
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03-10-2013, 06:05 AM
(This post was last modified: 03-10-2013, 06:05 AM by Leanne.)
"ride against the chain"? Have you gone all emo forced rhymer on us? Ick.
While admiring your facility with separate elements (parentheses in the dark), I confess all I could think about while I was reading this was a scene from Anchorman involving a rainbow, a unicorn and the line "Take me to Pleasure Town" 
It could be worse
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(03-10-2013, 06:05 AM)Leanne Wrote: "ride against the chain"? Have you gone all emo forced rhymer on us? Ick.
While admiring your facility with separate elements (parentheses in the dark), I confess all I could think about while I was reading this was a scene from Anchorman involving a rainbow, a unicorn and the line "Take me to Pleasure Town"
Hi leanne,
This one needs work! I am trying out a couple more of these cerebral conversations. This one was based on a spot of bother in Yauksheer with girls being drawn into prostitution and being taught the ropes ( there is a pun in there somewhere) by older (13-15 yr old) girls. The usual teenage girls bedroom with boy band pics and barbie dolls locked away has seemingly been supplemented with chains, fluffy handcuffs and web-cams. Shock horror.
Porn is about to be banned.
What will we write about?
Anyway back to crit. I wanted the chain thing in there somewhere but simple rhymes are prone to cries of "forced!"...you are still right, though.
I will give it another coat of looking at. Things are a bit quiet right now though serge does his best to defacate with considerable gutsy volume...I can hear him coming a mile off; another pun. I confess to not knowing Anchorman.
Best,
thanks,
(must do better)
tectak
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Oh Tictak- this is so not refreshing, if ever there was a piece in which a newbie should be forced to get your cock out and smack you round the face- this is it. Not sure what's more crass, the believing of feeling more superior or the believing of feeling more superior 
Believe you are the jester of these parts therefore will receive it in the manner it is given
saeity.
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(03-10-2013, 09:59 AM)saeity Wrote: Oh Tictak- this is so not refreshing, if ever there was a piece in which a newbie should be forced to get your cock out and smack you round the face- this is it. Not sure what's more crass, the believing of feeling more superior or the believing of feeling more superior
Believe you are the jester of these parts therefore will receive it in the manner it is given
saeity.
Hi saeity,
I think of the two the former is the...er...crassest(?).
I may have to take your punishment on the chin...if you can imagine that.
Not sure if you read the reply to leanne before you replied...and even less sure that it would make any difference. This poem is what is called, technically " Not very Good".
I am going to persevere with it, though. I avoid, and tell others to avoid, writing in commitment verse in the first person as it may make readers believe you ARE the character. Not a bad thing unless your wife reads it, but by using this semi-soliloquy approach I hope to get away with murder amongst other things.
If it works it works, if it doesn't, tell me...or punish me.
Best,
tectak
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I tend to not dislike above poster too much . ,-)
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The rhymes may be a step too far. Getting rid of that chiming end rhyme probably won't hurt, especially if you keep the rhythm (very important in this case  ). To make a sophisticated comment about an unsophisticated situation, it's probably best to avoid triteness wherever possible.
It could be worse
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(03-10-2013, 06:36 AM)serge gurkski Wrote: (mean :-) )
Serge...SERGE!.....wake up! You're talking in your sleep! Wake up! Now look what you've done! I've just washed that straight-jacket and you've gone and spilt your night-night guinness all over it! Who's a sticky boy...eh? Who's a very sticky boy?
( Its 01:40 here and I am knackerd. Give me sum piece!)
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*who's :p
It could be worse
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"though serge does his best to defacate with considerable gutsy volume...I can hear him coming a mile off; another pun. I confess to not knowing Anchorman.
Best, "
--------------------
Sir and Master!
Since you teased me twice after midnight:
I delight in your confessionalisms cummimg upon me and yes, neither did I know Anchorman, but the google is quick and got me into the now-I-know in no time. It is also true that I as of laterly suffered from most audible strange bowel movements but that should rather be a point not to be discussed on your thread. It is out of nothing but utter fairness I thusly suggest.
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Lol writing in the first person can be and often is more potent. Quite often i'll write in the first person to cause such effect, one tends to learn to disassociate
saeity.
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03-10-2013, 10:27 AM
(This post was last modified: 03-10-2013, 10:33 AM by Leanne.)
I disagree, Serge -- it's poems like this that invite one to express audible bowel movements. However, M. le Tak is fortunate in that the doctors do not recommend euthanasia just yet. This poem may yet be rescued with judicious mouth-to-- well, somewhere -- rescuscitation.
I tend to prefer the original end line... especially since it follows all those loud demands for attention. You do build a good crescendo.
It could be worse
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(03-10-2013, 10:27 AM)Leanne Wrote: I disagree, Serge -- it's poems like this that invite one to express audible bowel movements. However, M. le Tak is fortunate in that the doctors do not recommend euthanasia just yet. This poem may yet be rescued with judicious mouth-to-- well, somewhere -- rescuscitation.
I tend to prefer the original end line... especially since it follows all those loud demands for attention. You do build a good crescendo.
Borborygmi! I only whipped it out because I thought you'd had enough! You want me to put it back in again? Bloody uppity oz women...dontcha love'em!
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That's a lousy reason for whipping it out.
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(03-10-2013, 10:22 AM)tectak Wrote: (03-10-2013, 06:36 AM)serge gurkski Wrote: (mean :-) )
Serge...SERGE!.....wake up! You're talking in your sleep! Wake up! Now look what you've done! I've just washed that straight-jacket and you've gone and spilt your night-night guinness all over it! Whose a sticky boy...eh? Whose a very sticky boy?
as the dreamt-of playground of your prick's inner- and utmost desires I came to rethink your sexy talk:
"I'm going in deep.
(Love me, babe, love me like you know me.)
I'm going in slow.
(Hurt me, babe, in this dark I am your pain.)
I'm going in hard.
(Feel me, babe, for just this time, you own me)
I'm going in fast."
that would not please me as much as you could:
Let me help you, loverdear:
1. I am going in slow.
2. I am going in deep.
3. I am going in fast.
4. I am going in hard.
Hope you can readjust your penetrations.
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(03-10-2013, 10:23 AM)Leanne Wrote: *who's :p
Allwrite alright...pedantic polly!
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(03-10-2013, 10:27 AM)Leanne Wrote: I disagree, Serge -- it's poems like this that invite one to express audible bowel movements. However, M. le Tak is fortunate in that the doctors do not recommend euthanasia just yet. This poem may yet be rescued with judicious mouth-to-- well, somewhere -- rescuscitation.
I tend to prefer the original end line... especially since it follows all those loud demands for attention. You do build a good crescendo.
(the bowel movements were caused by digesting lentils.)
(03-10-2013, 10:42 AM)tectak Wrote: (03-10-2013, 10:23 AM)Leanne Wrote: *who's :p
Allwrite alright...pedantic polly!
HA!!!!
And that cumming from you. Priceless! ,-))))
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(03-10-2013, 10:41 AM)serge gurkski Wrote: (03-10-2013, 10:22 AM)tectak Wrote: (03-10-2013, 06:36 AM)serge gurkski Wrote: (mean :-) )
Serge...SERGE!.....wake up! You're talking in your sleep! Wake up! Now look what you've done! I've just washed that straight-jacket and you've gone and spilt your night-night guinness all over it! Whose a sticky boy...eh? Whose a very sticky boy?
as the dreamt-of playground of your prick's inner- and utmost desires I came to rethink your sexy talk:
"I'm going in deep.
(Love me, babe, love me like you know me.)
I'm going in slow.
(Hurt me, babe, in this dark I am your pain.)
I'm going in hard.
(Feel me, babe, for just this time, you own me)
I'm going in fast."
that would not please me as much as you could:
Let me help you, loverdear:
1. I am going in slow.
2. I am going in deep.
3. I am going in fast.
4. I am going in hard.
Hope you can readjust your penetrations. Naaah! An englishman needs time!
Go to bed.
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