Hung Up and Dry - revision

[saeity]

Kept to your word,
absurd how I didn't believe
at the time, and still

you professed you were fine
when I rung, replacing
the receiver; I was sublime.

They found you hung
like a bathrobe upon the door.
Blackened, a memory so raw

your worn out blue shoes
dangling below the noose.
I’m still drunk from your illness.

You, with a sign
round your neck
do not disturb.

ORIGINAL:

You kept to your word,
how absurd I didn’t believe
it, at the time. And still

you professed you were fine
when I rung, so I hung
up the receiver; sublime.

They found you hung
like a bathrobe upon the door.
Blackened, a memory so raw

your worn out blue shoes
dangling below the noose.
I’m still drunk from your illness.

You, with a sign
round your neck
do not disturb.

[neb123]

Quite a visual poem. Thanks for sharing, saeity. Maybe I'd eliminate hung from the simile with the bathrobe...Just for less repetition. I like the feel of the first two stanzas in particular...the flow.

[billy]

it's not to bad. two hungs is one too many. keep. the enjambment feels off in some places. an example would be the 3rd line, by removing 'it' you remove the problem of where to place it. some words like sublime feel forced. i enjoyed the last stanza

You kept to your word,
how absurd I didn't believe
it at the time, and still

you professed you were fine
when I rung, so I hung
up the receiver; sublime.

They found you hung
like a bathrobe upon the door.
Blackened, a memory so raw

your worn out blue shoes
dangling below the noose.
I’m still drunk from your illness.

You, with a sign
round your neck
do not disturb.

[saeity]

Hi neb123, Billy sorry for the late response, have been away for a few days. Thankyou both for both kindly for the critique, I have made some small but significant tweaks from your feedback

saeity.

[billy]

well done with the edit.
you now have a poem you can play with.
the first line, can it be improved? what isn't it conveying?

while it's okay, but it doesn't draw the reader in.

you kept the vow
then the next line, can anything be done there?

absurd how I didn't believe

absurd, I didn't give credance
and so on through each line. the above are suggestions as to how you can work through the poem. once you're done, you start over. it does get a little easier and you will miss things out. i get it wrong lots of the time.

i put a sonnet up that had some wonky meter and wrong word choices and stuff and leanne explained ways to fix the thing. its often easier for an outsider to see something that the poet, lets face it, we all love our own work to death

thanks for the edit, don't forget to give some feedback

Kept to your word,
absurd how I didn't believe
at the time, and still

you professed you were fine
when I rung, replacing
the receiver; I was sublime.

They found you hung
like a bathrobe upon the door.
Blackened, a memory so raw

your worn out blue shoes
dangling below the noose.
I’m still drunk from your illness.

You, with a sign
round your neck
do not disturb.

ORIGINAL:

You kept to your word,
how absurd I didn’t believe
it, at the time. And still

you professed you were fine
when I rung, so I hung
up the receiver; sublime.

They found you hung
like a bathrobe upon the door.
Blackened, a memory so raw

your worn out blue shoes
dangling below the noose.
I’m still drunk from your illness.

You, with a sign
round your neck
do not disturb.