Potted Plants

[Pseudonym]

The flower in my mother’s kitchen was dyed:
inside and out,
But drew cleansing water from clean soil,
and slowly turned pure white.

The woman in my mother’s kitchen is dyed.
No longer just the parts of her which were already dead;
her hair, her nails, and now,
her heart.

If she could take root,
draw strength from her surroundings,
maybe, slowly, she’d return.
But now she sits, in this blasted heath,
soaking up chemicals and bad dreams.



--Original--
The flower in my mother’s kitchen was dyed:
Inside and out.
But it drew cleansing water from clean soil,
And slowly turned pure white.

The woman in my mother’s kitchen is dyed:
No longer just the parts of her which were already dead;
Her hair, her nails, and now,
Her heart.

If her soil were clean, if her water were clear,
Maybe, slowly, she’d return.
But now, she sits, in this blasted heath,
Soaking up chemicals and bad dreams.

[tectak]

This is a tough one. It is at once both simple and profound. I don't do profound so here goes the simple crit
The flower in my mother’s kitchen was dyed: The colon is just right. It induces a meditative moment. The capitalisation of every line is wrong, but was once fashionable. Now it confuses. After that colon hangs the end of your sentence. No need to capitalise "inside".
Inside and out.
But it drew cleansing water from clean soil,But me no buts. Not even water butts. It is generally accepted that some of the old rules of grammar are redundant. To start a sentence with a conditional conjunction is just OK though to "but" and "and" is pushing your luck. Could you just drop the "but"?
And slowly turned pure white.

The woman in my mother’s kitchen is dyed:Not convinced you can use the same grammatical construct twice. Maybe full stop here, this time.
No longer just the parts of her which were already dead;
Her hair, her nails, and now, You butted out this time I like this verse, though I am concerned that the heart thing does not fit comfortably in to the metaphorical box of dyed (punning died?) things.
Her heart.

If her soil were clean, if her water were clear,Hmmmm. Metaphors...don't ya just hate'em sometimes. They take us to places we don't want to go. This first line is just too.....er....medical! I would have a shot (see what I mean?) at changing this.
Maybe, slowly, she’d return.
But now, she sits, in this blasted heath,OK. I am hyper-sensitive to the angst in this line but the "blasted heath" cliche is not where I see this piece rooted. Help
Soaking up chemicals and bad dreams.

Well posted. This piece has great sentiment and veracity. The overall metaphor may be twanging but the tension held to the end...just. I cannot see what you could do to lift the thing any higher within the limits of your own inertia. In other words, I would changs the last stanza...you may hold out. All is opinion.
Best,
tectak.

[shemthepenman]

The flower in my mother’s kitchen was dyed:
Inside and out.
But it drew cleansing water from clean soil, ----- omitting the definite article really should be considered, I don't think it is here.
And slowly turned pure white.

The woman in my mother’s kitchen is dyed: ----- consider revising the colon.
No longer just the parts of her which were already dead;
Her hair, her nails, and now,
Her heart. ----- i love the word 'heart' it is just a shame it has become cliche in poetry, but here it works because you have offset it with trivial things, ie, 'hair' and 'nails'.

If her soil were clean, if her water were clear,
Maybe, slowly, she’d return.
But now, she sits, in this blasted heath, ----- why 'blasted'??? and why the non-defining relative clause. surely, 'but now she sits, in this blasted heath, soak...' is better.
Soaking up chemicals and bad dreams.

[Pseudonym]

I changed some things, mostly pertaining to the two critiques I have gotten. Thanks, guys.

I chose the phrase 'blasted heath' deliberately. The phrase itself is from Macbeth, and the word 'heath' appropriately refers to a region with low quality, highly acidic soil.

[shemthepenman]

i know the phrase is from macbeth but it is a silly reference, it devalues the merit of the poem, which, all in all, is very good.