Where There's Smoke, There's Fire

[ellz483]

I want you to die with me
On this quiet, fragile night
As we stand beside each other all alone
Bathed in moonbeams white as bone
It was a long day, like everyday that
Bled into the last, endless
Finally, as this town falls asleep
We can light the streets on fire
Just to watch them burn
We wrap our bodies in the sparks
And let the smoke smother us
Holding hands, side to side
While our eyes sting and we're blinded
We'll love like charred corpses
In Rings of Rosie, ashes, ashes
Beaten by the flames, till we turn ashen
You won't scream, it won't hurt
I promise.
It's simply like swimming,
Deeper in the river of embers
But we never see the bottom,
For it's in the blackness we find our rest.

[rowens]

I like the theme of this poem. And the first few lines set it up well. I need to be in a different state of mind to say more about it. But I'm going to remember to come back to this when I can think about it the way I want.

[Michelle311]

Hi ellz,

Your writing is very beautiful. I liked towards the ending a lot.

"While our eyes sting and we're blinded
We'll love like charred corpses
In Rings of Rosie, ashes, ashes" - Loved these lines.

"Bathed in moonbeams white as bone" - Very pretty and I like the eeriness of the imagery, it especially jumps out to me the second time I read the poem.

"It was a long day, like everyday that
Bled into the last, endless" - I think this is where I was disconnected a bit. Maybe it's just me. But I kinda feel like the break between the lines is confusing with the reference to never ending days. If that makes sense?

Thanks for the read

[ellz483]

Thank you for the critique!!

[billy]

not ure the 3rd line is need as it's sort of already inferred. also L5 and 6 dont do much. the poems pretty soild with some good images but you have a few lines that don't work the poem well enough to stayi've mentioned just two because this is novice but there are other ones that maybe you could see.

great effort.

I want you to die with me
On this quiet, fragile night
As we stand beside each other all alone
Bathed in moonbeams white as bone
It was a long day, like everyday that
Bled into the last, endless
Finally, as this town falls asleep
We can light the streets on fire
Just to watch them burn
We wrap our bodies in the sparks
And let the smoke smother us
Holding hands, side to side
While our eyes sting and we're blinded
We'll love like charred corpses really good image.
In Rings of Rosie, ashes, ashes
Beaten by the flames, till we turn ashen
You won't scream, it won't hurt
I promise.
It's simply like swimming,
Deeper in the river of embers
But we never see the bottom,
For it's in the blackness we find our rest.