historical ethics

[justcloudy]

three fifths

an endless stream
of backs of black
that’s all you were to us.
perpetually bending
scarred
warped with work.

“walk!" we screamed
"obey!” we threatened
"reproduce." we demanded.

you huddled
heads down
wrapped in colorless blankets.
you reached for hope
while hating it.

and you sang of love
from the fields of fabric
the love of a creator
thrust upon you
adopted and adapted
for convenience
for survival.

you sang not
of the hushed and silent love
you felt
at night. with the heavy breathing all around
loudly lumbering through sleep
the day was kept away
for some time longer
to refill your heart
(but just enough
and sometimes not…)

blood still screams from
the unforgetting unforgiving ground
seeping upwards
it creeps
it weeps
for a time lost
to innocent malevolence
for a time
of red.

red earth
red skin
red cloth
red tears.



[a theme from my giant "nation of peace" reworked]

[Todd]

Hi Goldyfish,

A couple comments here. This is a much more focused write. I like what you've done with the edit. Line comments:

three fifths, that’s all you were to us.

endless streams of backs--Evocative open line. Maybe, stream singular. Also under this line you may want to add "that's all you were to us" and just make the title three fifths.
bent yet innocent--yet innocent is a bit telly. Could you come up with an image that expresses innocent as a substitution?
warped with work
walk and obey.

wrapped in colorless blankets
you huddled together
for comfort.not necessary. The image does most of the work. You could condense some too if you wanted to "huddled together in colorless blankets"
you reached for hope
while hating it.

and you sang of love
from the fields of fabric--This phrasing (which I really like) is so much more effective laid out like this
the love of a creator.--the punctuation feels off. You have an option to play with this idea a little more. One of the justifications for slavery was that it was a fair trade because these godless heathen received God. Not saying you have to touch on it, but you have the option given the setup
not the hushed and silent love
you felt
at night. with the heavy breathing all around--like this for what it adds
loudly lumbering through sleep
the day was kept away
for some time longer
to refill the strained hearts
(but just enough
and sometimes not…)

blood still screams from
the unforgetting unforgiving ground
seeping upwards
it creeps
it weeps
for a time lost
to innocent malevolence.--this is an abstract ending that isn't that effective. I would recommend ending on an image. You have blood seeping upwards you've mentioned cotton earlier. You may be able to play with the image of blood being a seed that is pushing its way toward a bitter harvest. Some image of reaping what you sow might pop better. Just a thought.




[a theme from my giant "nation of peace" reworked]

I like seeing the work you put in on this. Like I said, it is a stronger piece.

Best,

Todd

[justcloudy]

thanks for the comments Todd. notes taken, update posted.

[Todd]

Hi goldyfish,

I appreciate your willingness to edit. Just a thought, often it's good to place revisions above the original poem so we can see the progression.

Notes on this version:

three fifths

an endless stream
of backs of black--nice
that’s all you were to us.
perpetually bending
scarred
warped with work.

“walk!" we screamed
"obey!” we threatened
"reproduce." we demanded.--not a fan of the speech might just be me. Maybe imagery to nail it home. Only an example (probably not even that good of one):

Our threats hovered like crows
over the white fields
that budded as you did.

Again just an example of what I mean.

you huddled
heads down
wrapped in colorless blankets.
you reached for hope
while hating it.--good edit

and you sang of love
from the fields of fabric--optionally you could cut the
the love of a creator
thrust upon you
adopted and adapted
for convenience-this is all good. You could cut this line optionally
for survival.

you sang not
of the hushed and silent love
you felt
at night. with the heavy breathing all around
loudly lumbering through sleep
the day was kept away
for some time longer
to refill your heart
(but just enough
and sometimes not…)

blood still screams from --maybe reverse the sequence and end this line on "the unforgiving" it would provide some nice layering on the line break
the unforgetting unforgiving ground
seeping upwards
it creeps
it weeps
for a time lost
to innocent malevolence
for a time
of red.

red earth
red skin--I like the cadence of this. Red skin might confuse this with Native Americans. Optionally you could do : red on earth (line break) red on skin(strophe break) and then exactly how you have it with the last two lines set apart. Just thoughts,that's all.
red cloth
red tears.



[a theme from my giant "nation of peace" reworked]

I'm liking this.

Best,

Todd

[billy]

hi goldy, seems a lot but it isn't, mainly just wondering if some of the small words are relevant or needed? other than that i thought it a good poem with some good imagery, i think the ending works well as a hook to endless stream.

thanks for the read.

three fifths

an endless stream
of backs of black why not black backs?
that’s all you were to us.
perpetually bending
scarred
warped with work.

“walk!" we screamed
"obey!” we threatened
"reproduce." we demanded. demanded feels weak

you huddled
heads down
wrapped in colorless blankets. colourles feels a little weak. would something along the hard haired line help as an image?
you reached for hope
while hating it.

and you sang of love is and needed?
from the fields of fabric is the needed?
the love of a creator
thrust upon you
adopted and adapted
for convenience
for survival.

you sang not
of the hushed and silent love
you felt
at night. with the heavy breathing all around heavy breathing feels to easy, could it be (word of choice here) breathing?
loudly lumbering through sleep i love this line
the day was kept away
for some time longer
to refill your heart
(but just enough
and sometimes not…)

blood still screams from
the unforgetting unforgiving ground
seeping upwards
it creeps
it weeps
for a time lost
to innocent malevolence
for a time
of red.

red earth
red skin would welts or stripes work in order to stop any ambiguity?
red cloth
red tears. a small but good ending that leaves the reader wanting to start the read again.



[a theme from my giant "nation of peace" reworked]