For the Love of a Physicist

[Stalker]

I am the beach, my friend,

to match each speck of vicious surf

flung from the torment of your frustration.



Those salty waves of fire.



I am the sand smoothed to

blend the tsunami in your head

with the peace of the mountain’s feet.



The shells, the crabs, the message in a bottle,

noise and spice

for interest’s sake.



I am not the harbour wall.

[tectak]

I am the beach, my friend,Strange over-familiarity. Who the hell are you to assume I am your friend? And anyway, I don't associate with beaches.

to match each speck of vicious surfNot happy. "Speck of" and "vicious" are not really ambivalent. "crash" or "blow" or "pound" or "crush" or....well.....anything but "speck" really.

flung from the torment of your frustration.If this is not a cliche it should be.



Those salty waves of fire......and so should this. If I could get the sense out of it I would use it myself. Help.



I am the sand smoothed to

blend the tsunami in your head

with the peace of the mountain’s feet.I could not fail to disagree with this less, Boris. It has that unmistakable "feel" of clarity but it is a mistake. "smoothed to blend" is enigmatic. Coded. Reminiscent, too reminiscent, of "...blend until smooth". I am almost sure that just leaving out "in your head" would let the metaphor run. As it is, you have a "nested" metaphor which moves from the simple to the complex too quickly. The intent clear but the end result is an image difficult to reconcile to the words.



The shells, the crabs, the message in a bottle,

noise and spice

for interest’s sake.Strange verse. I could swap any line with any other line and not get any more, or any less, sense out of it. I am not at my best right now, so it is probably me. It is like a Haiku translated from English to Hindi and back again. Whistful on balance



I am not the harbour wall.Yes. I get this

[b]Hi stalker,
I could be as cruel as the sea with this one because I think it is probably impervious to crit. It is minimalist in an austere and barren way....though this is so very clearly the intent. I confess I still feel hungry after devouring it...and as it is totally lacking in carbohydrates I digested it in seconds. On these words I will leave you to decide which way to go.
Best,
tectak

[Stalker]

tx

you are neither the physicist

[tectak]

tx

you are neither the physicist

Well, actually it is my subject but I am rusty (chemical process I know) I just need help on this one, not love.
Best,
tectak

[Stalker]

I am enough.

[cidermaid]

Hi Stalker, This one has had me a bit preplexed as to how to respond.
In some respects i agree with Tectac about this leaving me wanting something more...but i'm at a loss to know what i want from this.

I am the beach, my friend, I don't have any problems with the addrees "my friend" I took this to be addressed to a third party, but equally wander if indeed it is needed at all. I get a sense of snippyness in the address but not sure if it adds enough to warrent being used.


to match each speck of vicious surf

flung from the torment of your frustration. Like both of these lines. Good extension of image.



Those salty waves of fire. This feels a little confused as in the next line you then continue the image of sea / beach. Or I am missing something here.



I am the sand smoothed to

blend the tsunami in your head loved the idea of these two lines, but again agree with tectac to some degree. Would "smoothing the tsunami in your head" work?

with the peace of the mountain’s feet.



The shells, the crabs, the message in a bottle,

noise and spice

for interest’s sake. This was nice



I am not the harbour wall. Good end I thought...but perhaps there is another verse to be written for this piece to fill in some of the gaps

Sorry if this was not much help, or that constructive. I've come back and re-read it several times but can't put my finger on what I can say to be of any use. Thanks for the read....this one feels like it should be something delicious and chewy but somehow it is just not hitting the spot at the
moment. AJ

[Stalker]

THanks Cidermaid

You know beaches are the way they are because the sea is the way it is, the sea forms the beach an the beach absorbs the energy of the sea.
So the beach stops the sea from running over the land.

so does the harbour wall - but it works differently, so we see those huge waves standing and falling back.

I don't know moe than that.

[rowens]

"So Does the Harbour Wall" sounds like an interesting title for something. For whatever reason, this makes me think about how I hate railings and plaques and tour guides. I like raw and wild places.

[serge gurkski]

"I am the beach,
I'm not the harbour wall"

That would be a grand opener.
(Just a spurious impression).
hugs

(but that's just me of curse)