Pending Judgment

[brandontoh]

1st Edit:
Pending Judgment
It’s suffocating.
Not literally, but still
I gasp for air I don’t need.

Feels like my soul,
if it even exists,
is wringed dry like wet towels.

Fear, it must be.
What else can it be?
Of the unknown,
superficially.
Of evidence of failure,
actually.

The papers used to be mine to own,
with mastery level consisting straight As.
Now I’m the slave, future uncertain,
in the papers’ hands.

Time in limelight yesterday’s news,
my shine no longer strong or powerful.
It’s a tiny candle flicker,
weak and a sign of incompetence.

If this is being normal,
then I’d rather stay the weirdo
who at least has enigmatic depth
to his stoicism,
and tells himself that
‘At least a candle is romantic as heck.’


Original:
Pending Judgment
It’s suffocating.
Not literally, but still
I gasp for air I don’t need.

Feels like my soul is twisted
into a knot.
If it even exists.

No, I don’t want to know.
The only way out
is to know, but
I don’t want to know.

Fear, it must be.
What else can it be?
Of the unknown,
superficially.
Of failure,
of hard evidence
of incompetence,
actually.

So, this is being normal.
Then I’d rather stay the weirdo
who at least have enigmatic depth
to his stoicism.
--------------------------------------
As usual, all feedback is greatly appreciated and thanks for reading my poem! =)


'A' Level results will be released in a couple weeks' time. I retook it this year as a private candidate. In my whole exam filled life, this is the first time I actually feel this frustration of waiting for the results to be released. The first time I took the exams, I expected to outright flunk. Things happened, I had an emotional breakdown, so I knew I was going to do badly. Before that, I've always been a high-flyer who can just breeze through exams like they're nothing. 2 years without a schooling environment and basically a full-time job made me realise how difficult it is to actually study with all the extra responsibilities in life. Without mentors to guide me along and without classmates to compare progress with, I'm really, really scared. I don't want to disappoint my family, my old teachers, and most importantly, myself. Yes, it's a rant. A rather incoherent and long one. Sorry if I wasted your time. =/ This poem is written to get rid of this annoying feeling. It works, but doesn't really completely remove this feeling.

[hobbit86]

I know the feeling of writing to release frustration. And you really can feel that tension within this poem.
Exams and education hold much more than the possibility of failure, they hold your dreams. And the waiting can be a killer!

It’s suffocating.
Not literally, but still
I gasp for air I don’t need.

I like the first and last line...but the 2nd line is just too casual...it's more as if having a conversation with someone and just saying "I can't breath, not literally..."
I'm not a good poet, so most of what I say probably won't be any good, and will just be personal opinion rather than any worth...but here goes...
perhaps something like
Suffocating with fear
Gasping for the air I do not need

Feels like my soul is twisted
into a knot.
If it even exists.

I like this line...I'm a sucker for liking poems I can relate to...if I can't feel like I understand the emotion within the poem, I tend to not read it...this can be related to any kind of fear...love, exams, life...most people will relate to this stanza.

No, I don’t want to know.
The only way out
is to know, but
I don’t want to know.

I don't know. You are a good poet, so I feel you could do something...cleverer...with these lines...It's probably your frustration coming through,....but it's too...straight to the point...

Fear, it must be.
What else can it be?
Of the unknown,
superficially.
Of failure,
of hard evidence
of incompetence,
actually.

yup like these lines not much to say....all your fears oozing out these lines

So, this is being normal.
Then I’d rather stay the weirdo
who at least have enigmatic depth would it be has? change it to single rather than pl seeing as it's been about the singular 'you'
to his stoicism.

Good read though, I can get a sense of your emotions and thoughts in this poem, and that's what I like to read. Get a sense of what the poet feels.

And good luck, I hope you do well. But for the record, no matter what you get, you are not a failure or incompetent...you can only do you best in life...nothing more...I wish I'd learnt that years ago. Don't allow social pressures dictate who you should be...you can only aim to please one person...yourself. Other people should be proud of you no matter what!! Aim to make yourself proud...and if you worked your harest and did your best, then you already have something to be proud about!
I'm sure you have done well, you seem a very intelligent person on this forum.

xx Hobbit

[Leanne]

Hobbit has given you good advice, both on the poem and on life in general. The second line probably needs to go entirely, the poem is stronger without it. Otherwise -- it's probably fair to say that everyone here has felt a similar pressure at some point, which is even worse if you've got high expectations of yourself (and there's nothing wrong with that!). Aim high, but you don't always get there with just one step. Sometimes it's the long way round, but there's such great scenery on that route it's worth the trip!

And news for you -- we already think you're a weirdo

[tectak]

You can assume from a line by line that this is worth it
Pending Judgment
It’s suffocating.
Not literally, but still
I gasp for air I don’t need. Fine opener. You have given the reader a hint of what is to come. This is going to be uncomfortable. I am ready.

Feels like my soul is twistedGood. "It" (you started it) is as bad as I thought. Suggestion to avoid the possibility that the knot doesn't exist. " Feels like my soul, if it even exists, is twisted into a knot" Yes? We are still angst-stricken. Jolly good. Onwards,then.
into a knot.
If it even exists.

No, I don’t want to know.
The only way out
is to know, but
I don’t want to know. know, no, know, no! I know what you are trying to say and how you are trying to say it...but I just don't know if it works. On balance, I would probably drop this stanza as it is a gestalt which questions then answers itself leaving nothing to carry forward. Yes. I would drop it.

Fear, it must be.
What else can it be?
Of the unknown,
superficially.
Of failure,
of hard evidence
of incompetence,
actually. This stanza just needs rearranging. You will now say, if you were sonata, no! I am trying to imply a lack of clarity due to my impaired functionality. You do not understand and that is good. Well it is not good. You have, however, said quite enough in this stanza to justify its existence. So just rearrange, actually.

So, this is being normal.
Then I’d rather stay the weirdoOh bliss...oh joy! At last. A non-professorial crit. "the weirdo" Singular." at least have.." Plural. "To his stoicism". Singular. Come on! Straighten up and fly right.
who at least have enigmatic depth
to his stoicism.
----------------
Hi brand.
There is much not right with this BUT is has just too many redeemable features to consign it to room 101. This is a can of condensed soup which does what it says on the tin...you need to add water to get the full volume. I think it is a little too dense and anally retentive. I would suggest that you expand the thing but drop the gestalt stanza. This kind of angst verse does not benefit from the instant gratification of in-stanza analysis. Better to leave questions unanswered. I particularly liked the inevitability of acceptance in "...I'd rather stay a weirdo...." but would warn you that it is not being a weirdo that sets you apart.....it is knowing you are not normal!
Best,
tectak
----------------------
As usual, all feedback is greatly appreciated and thanks for reading my poem! =)


'A' Level results will be released in a couple weeks' time. I retook it this year as a private candidate. In my whole exam filled life, this is the first time I actually feel this frustration of waiting for the results to be released. The first time I took the exams, I expected to outright flunk. Things happened, I had an emotional breakdown, so I knew I was going to do badly. Before that, I've always been a high-flyer who can just breeze through exams like they're nothing. 2 years without a schooling environment and basically a full-time job made me realise how difficult it is to actually study with all the extra responsibilities in life. Without mentors to guide me along and without classmates to compare progress with, I'm really, really scared. I don't want to disappoint my family, my old teachers, and most importantly, myself. Yes, it's a rant. A rather incoherent and long one. Sorry if I wasted your time. =/ This poem is written to get rid of this annoying feeling. It works, but doesn't really completely remove this feeling.

---

You can assume from a line by line that this is worth it
Pending Judgment
It’s suffocating.
Not literally, but still
I gasp for air I don’t need. Fine opener. You have given the reader a hint of what is to come. This is going to be uncomfortable. I am ready.

Feels like my soul is twistedGood. "It" (you started it) is as bad as I thought. Suggestion to avoid the possibility that the knot doesn't exist. " Feels like my soul, if it even exists, is twisted into a knot" Yes? We are still angst-stricken. Jolly good. Onwards,then.
into a knot.
If it even exists.

No, I don’t want to know.
The only way out
is to know, but
I don’t want to know. know, no, know, no! I know what you are trying to say and how you are trying to say it...but I just don't know if it works. On balance, I would probably drop this stanza as it is a gestalt which questions then answers itself leaving nothing to carry forward. Yes. I would drop it.

Fear, it must be.
What else can it be?
Of the unknown,
superficially.
Of failure,
of hard evidence
of incompetence,
actually. This stanza just needs rearranging. You will now say, if you were sonata, no! I am trying to imply a lack of clarity due to my impaired functionality. You do not understand and that is good. Well it is not good. You have, however, said quite enough in this stanza to justify its existence. So just rearrange, actually.

So, this is being normal.
Then I’d rather stay the weirdoOh bliss...oh joy! At last. A non-professorial crit. "the weirdo" Singular." at least have.." Plural. "To his stoicism". Singular. Come on! Straighten up and fly right.
who at least have enigmatic depth
to his stoicism.
----------------
Hi brand.
There is much not right with this BUT is has just too many redeemable features to consign it to room 101. This is a can of condensed soup which does what it says on the tin...you need to add water to get the full volume. I think it is a little too dense and anally retentive. I would suggest that you expand the thing but drop the gestalt stanza. This kind of angst verse does not benefit from the instant gratification of in-stanza analysis. Better to leave questions unanswered. I particularly liked the inevitability of acceptance in "...I'd rather stay a weirdo...." but would warn you that it is not being a weirdo that sets you apart.....it is knowing you are not normal!
Best,
tectak
----------------------
As usual, all feedback is greatly appreciated and thanks for reading my poem! =)


'A' Level results will be released in a couple weeks' time. I retook it this year as a private candidate. In my whole exam filled life, this is the first time I actually feel this frustration of waiting for the results to be released. The first time I took the exams, I expected to outright flunk. Things happened, I had an emotional breakdown, so I knew I was going to do badly. Before that, I've always been a high-flyer who can just breeze through exams like they're nothing. 2 years without a schooling environment and basically a full-time job made me realise how difficult it is to actually study with all the extra responsibilities in life. Without mentors to guide me along and without classmates to compare progress with, I'm really, really scared. I don't want to disappoint my family, my old teachers, and most importantly, myself. Yes, it's a rant. A rather incoherent and long one. Sorry if I wasted your time. =/ This poem is written to get rid of this annoying feeling. It works, but doesn't really completely remove this feeling.

[brandontoh]

Thanks hobbit, Leanne, tec, for the encouragement. And for Leanne and tec basically admitting that I'm a weirdo.

Hobbit, tec, thanks for the feedback. =) I'm honestly not expecting much of them because this poem really sucks. I just penned down how I felt after thinking about it a little, then edited it a bit. By the way Hobbit, the 2nd line in the first stanza is a cushion of sorts, since the fear is more a discomfort than full blown terror. Kind of like the 'if it even exists' line in the 2nd stanza to remove the feeling of actual suffocation. Am I making sense? Hope so. >< Am really glad that you took the time to give me such detailed critique. =) The first edit is up, so I hope it actually makes the poem better. Not much confidence there though. Oh, and tec, I don't think room 101 is the right metaphor here. Isn't it supposed to be the torture room that tortures you based on your fears?

[tectak]

Thanks hobbit, Leanne, tec, for the encouragement. And for Leanne and tec basically admitting that I'm a weirdo.

Hobbit, tec, thanks for the feedback. =) I'm honestly not expecting much of them because this poem really sucks. I just penned down how I felt after thinking about it a little, then edited it a bit. By the way Hobbit, the 2nd line in the first stanza is a cushion of sorts, since the fear is more a discomfort than full blown terror. Kind of like the 'if it even exists' line in the 2nd stanza to remove the feeling of actual suffocation. Am I making sense? Hope so. >< Am really glad that you took the time to give me such detailed critique. =) The first edit is up, so I hope it actually makes the poem better. Not much confidence there though. Oh, and tec, I don't think room 101 is the right metaphor here. Isn't it supposed to be the torture room that tortures you based on your fears?

Yep.....that's the 101 I'm talking about, alright!

[tectak]

1st Edit:
Pending Judgment
It’s suffocating.Now that you have done this edit I can say that I am surprised you left this opener in. It was over-angst ridden in the original version but I was kindly disposed to it.......and "it" is the problem. You would better say " I am suffocating; not literally, but still I gasp for air that I don't need". Which then begs the question...why? You are not literally suffocating and you are not suffocating in reality. Most odd.
Not literally, but still
I gasp for air I don’t need.

Feels like my soul,
if it even exists,
is wringed dry like wet towels.A pretty horrible line. Apart from the use of "wringed" instead of "wrung" I cannot see how a dry towel is like a wet one. Needs a good looking at. There is another "it" sneaking in. Get rid of "it".
Fear, it must be.
What else can it be?Bugger me, there's another! I think that this may be one of the rare occasions when I would use brackets.
Fear (it must be;
what else can it be?)
of the unknown,
superficially.
Evidence of failure.

This "inner conversation" stuff is very difficult to pull off. E.A. Poe had trouble with it and he had the advantage if being nuts. You suffer from normality but you just don't know it

Of the unknown,
superficially.
Of evidence of failure,
actually.

The papers used to be mine to own,
with mastery level consisting straight As.
Now I’m the slave, future uncertain,
in the papers’ hands.I would omit this whole stanza as being to angst-specific. Who cares about your bloody grades. Talk the bigger picture. This is dangerously close to "my goldfish died and how I cried" when you were really talking about armaggedon.

Time in limelight yesterday’s news, Comma after limelight, otherwise you link limelight to yesterday in an adjectivally incompetant way.
my shine no longer strong or powerful.
It’s a tiny candle flicker,It it it it.
weak and a sign of incompetence.

If this is being normal,
then I’d rather stay the weirdoSlang. Not worthy.
who at least has enigmatic depthYou are about to make me roar with laughter as you demonstrate your self-assumed "enigmatic depth". That last line is a killer......sorry. Sorry.....but you did ask. It's the way you tell'em
to his stoicism,
and tells himself that
‘At least a candle is romantic as heck.’Where's the candle, asked the nun. Yes, doesn't it, said the Mother Superior......and they say romance is deadm

Hi brand,
You were very brave to try this. Conceptually, it only works on one level. Trying to dramatise a personally dramatic event means that you have to write commitment verse. You must make the reader "feel" like you do. Continually letting your demons out forces you in to self analysis...and if you don't know how you feel from one line to the next, what chance the reader? I say again, a brave effort but it is not there yet. I would stick this in serious because you need better men than me to hammer it in to shape. This is the best I can do.
Best,
tectak
Original:
Pending Judgment
It’s suffocating.
Not literally, but still
I gasp for air I don’t need.

Feels like my soul is twisted
into a knot.
If it even exists.

No, I don’t want to know.
The only way out
is to know, but1v
I don’t want to know.

Fear, it must be.
What else can it be?
Of the unknown,
superficially.
Of failure,
of hard evidence
of incompetence,
actually.

So, this is being normal.
Then I’d rather stay the weirdo
who at least have enigmatic depth
to his stoicism.
--------------------------------------
As usual, all feedback is greatly appreciated and thanks for reading my poem! =)


'A' Level results will be released in a couple weeks' time. I retook it this year as a private candidate. In my whole exam filled life, this is the first time I actually feel this frustration of waiting for the results to be released. The first time I took the exams, I expected to outright flunk. Things happened, I had an emotional breakdown, so I knew I was going to do badly. Before that, I've always been a high-flyer who can just breeze through exams like they're nothing. 2 years without a schooling environment and basically a full-time job made me realise how difficult it is to actually study with all the extra responsibilities in life. Without mentors to guide me along and without classmates to compare progress with, I'm really, really scared. I don't want to disappoint my family, my old teachers, and most importantly, myself. Yes, it's a rant. A rather incoherent and long one. Sorry if I wasted your time. =/ This poem is written to get rid of this annoying feeling. It works, but doesn't really completely remove this feeling.