Through the eyes of a Fox

[Sonata]

Through the eyes of a Fox

I once met a two legged beast
The only way to learn
was through a monstrous feast
Whilst I hid behind the fern
and watched It yearn
They said it was the Man

I sought It,
I explored that Great King of the Pith
And watched It spit,
upon everything that God blessed It with

I watched It grow
immune in all beauty
unchangeable through the flow
feared from the gale
which never stops to blow

The bewildered Man once met
with a trace of sharpness in Its eye cracks
looked at me smiled with rerget
I smiled back and thought; They're saved

[tectak]

Through the eyes of a Fox

I once met a two legged beastThis is a bald (not a typo) opening which will need a good deal of support from the next li...oh dear! It does not get any.
The only way to learnYou are thinking ahead of your poem. This line has no conditionality or obvious link to the line above. Both lines are now adrift. Perhaps the next li...oh dear, no such luck
was through a monstrous feast What feast? Why? What can you learn, even as a fox, through eating? If you are a fox you have had a meal or two since you were a cub! You need to get into this creatures skin and THINK like a fox, not a poet. Perhaps the next lin....oh dear, now we/you/it are an "I", so who the hell wrote the first lines. You or the fox?
Whilst I hid behind the fernSo let's assume it is you again. This fern you hid behind, it wasn't that fern over there, was it? Or perhaps this one here? No. It was "the" fern. Definitely the fern. Perhaps the next lin...oh dear, curiouser and curiouser.
and watched It yearnYou watched the fern yearn? Lost me here. I think I'll go shoot an elephant in my pyjamas. This is schoolboy howler. It needs putting right. Your poem.
They said it was the ManOh come on.Who said that it was the man? Where did "they" suddenly come from? You are writing way too fast and not reading your work. All of the problem areas are "see-able". You just need to READ what you have written, out loud. Perhaps the next line will...oh dear. Now you really are taking the pith.

I sought It,Who and what springs to mind. Whilst we were adrift before we are now out of radio contact because the earth is curved.
I explored that Great King of the PithSeth Godin?
And watched It spit,
upon everything that God blessed It withIt, it, it. What is IT? Enough already. We will no doubt have clarification in the next li....oh dear. Its that old git ,"it" again. This is not good.

I watched It grow
immune in all beautyLack of punctuation would normally cause a lack of clarity but here it is an irrelevancy. "Immune in all beauty" is nonsense line. Check up on word use because I think you are trying to express good thoughts here.
unchangeable through the flow
feared from the gale
which never stops to blow These last three lines are dire in all departments. Needs a rewrite I fear. There is no excuse for "feared from"(frightened by) , "immune in" (immune from) and "stops to blow" (ceases to). you would be better forgetting any attempt to rhyme if "forcing" causes such tortuous english. All is opinion, but I think you need to repost this in "mild".

The bewildered Man once met
with a trace of sharpness in Its eye cracks
looked at me smiled with rergetREGRET. Check your work before posting. See rules.
I smiled back and thought; They're savedThis last stanza is nonsense. I cannot say fairer than that.

Overall you have not convinced this reader of your intent or application. The whole piece is a mish-mash of disconnected words and concepts. There is good cause to revoke your poetic licence until you promise to stop torturing words. I would urge you to READ YOUR WORK OUT LOUD, (preferably to a Traffic Warden )....do not, though, give up on poetry. If you have a"concept" you have a starting point. It gets tricky after that.
Try writing blank-verse so that you can express yourself without the chains of rhyme.....but keep rhythm going. Something has to remain of poetry.
Best,
tectak

[Sonata]

Hah, ty for your post. Fun thing is, you completely misunderstood this poem - it seems like you are use to hear GOOD things and then you think of good when you start reading but this is actually a critique, a cry for help and a hope in at least a small bit of good within people. Don't tell me that I didn't write it the way that people can understand it, I think I've shown this to every single english professor I know, and I know many and they did actually understand it.
Now, ofcourse I will explain it to you, because I have no idea if you read this the right way, or just watched for a second and just figured, okay he is a fox, he is a god, he is a fox, who is he? And you obviously have no idea what a metaphore is. Sorry, but this is true, I'm not trying to offend you. And dear god I have no idea have you read the title at all, this is something that the fox had seen, every I in this poem is that fox, and It represents a Man/men I didn't use him/them because I was talking about a creature, a creature who rises in the first stanza, a small fox watches it as its God tho she is confused by it, because that Man who is suppose to be its God is actually a beast, a feast represents people's urge to take, rage, envy, kill... And yearn was used in a negative form. The fox is watching through the fern (watching men growe) I have no idea how you managed to misunderstand that but okay.
Second and third stanza talk about people growing, but not growing better, growing same - remaining savage beasts. "Great King of the Pith" was used as I talked before for you to see that fox's God is actually that Man, that beast. I used Pith instead of "the world" because I wanted to say that that Man is a God too all, it's a quintessence. Whole third stanza is in a negative form.
And finally in fourth stanza hopes grow when a man - the beast smiles - a trace of humanity in his long lost eyes (eye cracks) and the fox realizes that maybe we will be saved.

[brandontoh]

Hah, ty for your post. Fun thing is, you completely misunderstood this poem - it seems like you are use to hear GOOD things and then you think of good when you start reading but this is actually a critique, a cry for help and a hope in at least a small bit of good within people. Don't tell me that I didn't write it the way that people can understand it, I think I've shown this to every single english professor I know, and I know many and they did actually understand it.
Now, ofcourse I will explain it to you, because I have no idea if you read this the right way, or just watched for a second and just figured, okay he is a fox, he is a god, he is a fox, who is he? And you obviously have no idea what a metaphore is. Sorry, but this is true, I'm not trying to offend you. And dear god I have no idea have you read the title at all, this is something that the fox had seen, every I in this poem is that fox, and It represents a Man/men I didn't use him/them because I was talking about a creature, a creature who rises in the first stanza, a small fox watches it as its God tho she is confused by it, because that Man who is suppose to be its God is actually a beast, a feast represents people's urge to take, rage, envy, kill... And yearn was used in a negative form. The fox is watching through the fern (watching men growe) I have no idea how you managed to misunderstand that but okay.
Second and third stanza talk about people growing, but not growing better, growing same - remaining savage beasts. "Great King of the Pith" was used as I talked before for you to see that fox's God is actually that Man, that beast. I used Pith instead of "the world" because I wanted to say that that Man is a God too all, it's a quintessence. Whole third stanza is in a negative form.
And finally in fourth stanza hopes grow when a man - the beast smiles - a trace of humanity in his long lost eyes (eye cracks) and the fox realizes that maybe we will be saved.

I think you're missing the main point of tectak's critique here. :/ Of course, it's easy to see how you may be getting the wrong idea. He has this rather brash style that doesn't sit well with some. It's not about the message you're trying to get across. That is important and readers must be able to get it from the written words, which I agree you did. It's quite plain to see. However, tectak's point is that the lines and word choices can be tightened and that'll serve to strengthen the image of the poem.

I've read it through, and I must say that it's a good effort. The way you made the fox more humane than the human feels intentional, but at the same time not. Some rhymes feel forced, so there's that. My main gripe with it is that the way you penned down the fox's thoughts is too human. At no point in your poems I I believe that the thoughts are from a fox, even though you made it so obvious.
Hope this helps.

[Leanne]

Oh, now I remember you. As I recall, you don't need critique because you're already perfect and the rest of us are rather too stupid to understand. To that end, this is being moved to Miscellaneous as critique time is valuable and should never be wasted on those who don't appreciate the effort.

[tectak]

Hah, ty for your post. Fun thing is, you completely misunderstood this poem - it seems like you are use to hear GOOD things and then you think of good when you start reading but this is actually a critique, a cry for help and a hope in at least a small bit of good within people. Don't tell me that I didn't write it the way that people can understand it, I think I've shown this to every single english professor I know, and I know many and they did actually understand it.
Now, ofcourse I will explain it to you, because I have no idea if you read this the right way, or just watched for a second and just figured, okay he is a fox, he is a god, he is a fox, who is he? And you obviously have no idea what a metaphore is. Sorry, but this is true, I'm not trying to offend you. And dear god I have no idea have you read the title at all, this is something that the fox had seen, every I in this poem is that fox, and It represents a Man/men I didn't use him/them because I was talking about a creature, a creature who rises in the first stanza, a small fox watches it as its God tho she is confused by it, because that Man who is suppose to be its God is actually a beast, a feast represents people's urge to take, rage, envy, kill... And yearn was used in a negative form. The fox is watching through the fern (watching men growe) I have no idea how you managed to misunderstand that but okay.
Second and third stanza talk about people growing, but not growing better, growing same - remaining savage beasts. "Great King of the Pith" was used as I talked before for you to see that fox's God is actually that Man, that beast. I used Pith instead of "the world" because I wanted to say that that Man is a God too all, it's a quintessence. Whole third stanza is in a negative form.
And finally in fourth stanza hopes grow when a man - the beast smiles - a trace of humanity in his long lost eyes (eye cracks) and the fox realizes that maybe we will be saved.

Off coarse...you are wright...scilly me. How cood I have bean so stewpid? My sincear retregs. What is a metaphore, buy the whey?
Breast and good buy,
taktoc

[Smiffy]

I'll probably be banned or whatever it is happens on here but how refreshing to read this reply, I was beginning to think honesty had flown out of the window with common sense, I'm all for care in the community but there is a limit

[Todd]

I'll probably be banned or whatever it is happens on here but how refreshing to read this reply, I was beginning to think honesty had flown out of the window with common sense, I'm all for care in the community but there is a limit

No Smiffy, we don't ban honesty. We encourage it.

[newsclippings]

Hah, ty for your post. Fun thing is, you completely misunderstood this poem - it seems like you are use to hear GOOD things and then you think of good when you start reading but this is actually a critique, a cry for help and a hope in at least a small bit of good within people. Don't tell me that I didn't write it the way that people can understand it, I think I've shown this to every single english professor I know, and I know many and they did actually understand it.
Now, ofcourse I will explain it to you, because I have no idea if you read this the right way, or just watched for a second and just figured, okay he is a fox, he is a god, he is a fox, who is he? And you obviously have no idea what a metaphore is. Sorry, but this is true, I'm not trying to offend you. And dear god I have no idea have you read the title at all, this is something that the fox had seen, every I in this poem is that fox, and It represents a Man/men I didn't use him/them because I was talking about a creature, a creature who rises in the first stanza, a small fox watches it as its God tho she is confused by it, because that Man who is suppose to be its God is actually a beast, a feast represents people's urge to take, rage, envy, kill... And yearn was used in a negative form. The fox is watching through the fern (watching men growe) I have no idea how you managed to misunderstand that but okay.
Second and third stanza talk about people growing, but not growing better, growing same - remaining savage beasts. "Great King of the Pith" was used as I talked before for you to see that fox's God is actually that Man, that beast. I used Pith instead of "the world" because I wanted to say that that Man is a God too all, it's a quintessence. Whole third stanza is in a negative form.
And finally in fourth stanza hopes grow when a man - the beast smiles - a trace of humanity in his long lost eyes (eye cracks) and the fox realizes that maybe we will be saved.

Off coarse...you are wright...scilly me. How cood I have bean so stewpid? My sincear retregs. What is a metaphore, buy the whey?
Breast and good buy,
taktoc

this makes me giggle.

[billy]

I'll probably be banned or whatever it is happens on here but how refreshing to read this reply, I was beginning to think honesty had flown out of the window with common sense, I'm all for care in the community but there is a limit

hi sniffy hehe smiffy

no one gets banned for being honest as long as it's about the poetry.
i've read this one a few times and never replies after seeing the response to the feedback.

but i will reply now.

---

the english profs you showed it too, did they tell you to sort out the punctuation? it doesn't look that way. it does need fixing.
you don't need to tell the reader that the beats is a man. it's an old similie that's overly used. after reading it a few times it still feels very weak and disjointed. it feels as though there's no rhyme or reason for a lot of the lines, because of poor continuity. ideas and articles just appear. my suggestion is to write it so it works. connect the lines so that they work with and for each other.

as for the proffessors who've said they understood it, maybe they did, that doesn't mean it's a great poem or even a poem at all. i understood my kids when they were just babies, they spoke gibberish but i knew what they meant, as they got older they learned about language and no longer soke gibber, this poem need language.

Through the eyes of a Fox

I once met a two legged beast
The only way to learn what does this have to do with the above line.
was through a monstrous feast
Whilst I hid behind the fern
and watched It yearn
They said it was the Man

I sought It,
I explored that Great King of the Pith
And watched It spit,
upon everything that God blessed It with

I watched It grow
immune in all beauty
unchangeable through the flow
feared from the gale
which never stops to blow

The bewildered Man once met
with a trace of sharpness in Its eye cracks
looked at me smiled with rerget
I smiled back and thought; They're saved