Untitled (help on a title...)

[hobbit86]

To live is to feel the breath of emotion upon your cheek
To hear a whisper of truth within your ear.
It gently caresses your dreams into awakening
It holds your hand as you cross the river of uncertainty.

Invisible Shadows 2012


I'm stuck for a title for this...
When I wrote this I'd intended a proper poem of a few stanzas...but it just felt like everything I needed to say was said in those 4 lines...it'd be nice to make it a proper length poem, but just can't think how to expand it....is it better short, would it spoil it to add to it? or is it missing something?

it's definately missing a title...so that'd be good

[rayheinrich]

"I'm stuck for a title for this..."

Doesn't really need a title, I'd just stick with the 1st line convention.
But here are a few:
'Lots more Promise', 'Face Counting', 'Dream #37' (replace 37 with a number
that is meaningful to you), 'Brand New Winter'... you get the idea.
Hope that helps.
Ray

[billy]

what do you think about it's length, i'd say yes, take each line and make a new stanza or verse out of it. are you speaking of yourself or of a specific person or everyone in general? as for a title...something to do with waking up that doesn't use the word awake,

To live is to feel the breath of emotion upon your cheek
To hear a whisper of truth within your ear.
It gently caresses your dreams into awakening
It holds your hand as you cross the river of uncertainty.

Invisible Shadows 2012


I'm stuck for a title for this...
When I wrote this I'd intended a proper poem of a few stanzas...but it just felt like everything I needed to say was said in those 4 lines...it'd be nice to make it a proper length poem, but just can't think how to expand it....is it better short, would it spoil it to add to it? or is it missing something?

it's definately missing a title...so that'd be good

[hobbit86]

**2nd attempt**

To live is to feel the breath of emotion
Upon your silky face.
The beauty contained within your blushing cheeks,
A happiness so pure.

To hear a whisper of truth within your ear
Brings silence filled with love.
Warmth and peace is welcomed into open arms don't like this line...
A pounding heart laid bare.

Gently caressing your dreams to awaken
The moon and stars in reach.
Slowly ascend the mountains luscious and green
To find what is within.

It holds your shaking hand as you cross the
River of uncertainty.
An endless comfort you have never known
Fills empty hands with stars.


I really liked the idea of turning each line into a stanza...I feel some of the 2nd stanza was 'forced'...I struggled because this 'new' version has a completely different meaning to the first one. This one has more become a love poem...whereas the first one was more about life, and finding hope to get you through.

Anyway...not sure if this one works...perhaps because I'm not a fan of romantic poetry, lol