Another round

[Jae Mc Donnell]

It’s too much to ask the stars to map the sand;
for the air not to corrode our plans.
So we preamble gen pools,
for sea sick molecules to create fools.
Another tragic symphony,
with hollowed sounds of sympathy;
Ringing like nostalgic chimney chimes
Asking, mind your head as you step into life.
We end as we mean to begin,
our coffin nails already within.
Drawn out by days,
Poignantly pointless, progressively paid.
As another crop fails,
we hear autumn exclaim;
“Please! a kiss for winter, before we begin”

[Leanne]

Some terrific lines here, Jae, and a fascinating premise. The rhymes are off-meter but done in such a way that when read aloud, the tone seems almost conversational despite some of the complex wording -- this is an interesting effect and it works for me.

For me, the alliteration in L12 is just a bit too much -- alliterating on p always runs the risk of Peter Piper-ing

The first line sets the poem up beautifully, but it's the last line that will stay in my head (as is right).

[brandontoh]

It’s too much to ask the stars to map the sand;
for the air not to corrode our plans. -- Wonderful first 2 lines. Immediately an apt imagery is introduced, and makes me want to read on.
So we preamble gen pools,
for sea sick molecules to create fools. -- The third line is a little too... 'technical' to my liking, but I can't think of a better replacement. Yet, the message is carried across well, and so think of it as my personal peeve, if you will.
Another tragic symphony,
with hollowed sounds of sympathy;
Ringing like nostalgic chimney chimes -- Once again, beautiful imageries.
Asking, mind your head as you step into life.
We end as we mean to begin,
our coffin nails already within.
Drawn out by days,
Poignantly pointless, progressively paid.
As another crop fails,
we hear autumn exclaim;
“Please! a kiss for winter, before we begin”

-- I really liked this poem. It's filled with very appropriate imageries and get one thinking, visualising and eventually, feeling the poem. While it contains a lot of imageries, it does not confuse, and the metaphors never overlap and mislead. Thanks for the read! =)

[Jae Mc Donnell]

Thankyou both for the nice words.
Leanne I know what you mean about the P line, but I kinda like it

Brandontoh, I actually wrote the poem because I really liked the sound of the word preamble, I then wrote that line. then a few days later I wrote the rest of the poem, but I do understand why you would not like it.

Thanks again both of you

[AisforApple]

"Asking, mind your head as you step into life."
I love all of the really striking imageries in the poem, but this line really stood out to me. I feel like it divided the poem between the mood of coming into the world, and then accepting that you'll die anyway. Don't know if that was the original intent, but it's a poem that definitely makes you think.

[Jae Mc Donnell]

"Asking, mind your head as you step into life."
I love all of the really striking imageries in the poem, but this line really stood out to me. I feel like it divided the poem between the mood of coming into the world, and then accepting that you'll die anyway. Don't know if that was the original intent, but it's a poem that definitely makes you think.

Yeah AisforApple, that was pretty much what I was going for with that line and a bit of a reference to the birth process.
Also I'm glad you enjoyed the poem, and thankyou for reading and commenting