Of Silent Gazes, Of Algid Love

[brandontoh]

Hello! This is a poem I done during my game with Todd. I've edited it, and well, now here it is. =) All criticisms are greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading my poem! =P

By the way, here's the link to the form:
http://bensonofjohn.co.uk/poetry/formsse...a%20Cinque

1st Edit:
Sonnetina Cinque - Of Silent Gazes, Of Algid Love

Musings sunk deep, in stale couch and old fire.
Worries overflow, a sigh escapes.
Imposing statue of damaged presence;
The flicker pensive, ran out of passion.
For what is a man to do, to build a man?

This fighter is beat, by time, by life.
Losing is a habit, and so is irony.
A single dad protects, but doesn't guide.
Loser raises loser, so it's best to let go.
A love so awkward, the loved doesn't know.

Original:
Sonnetina Cinque - Of Silent Gazes, Of Algid Love

Soldered on stale couch, stare on old fire.
Worries overflow, a sigh escapes.
Imposing statue of damaged presence;
The flicker pensive, ran out of passion.
For what is a man to do, to build a man?

This fighter is beat, by time, by life.
Losing is a habit, and so is irony.
A single dad protects, but doesn't guide.
Loser raises loser, so it's best to let go.
A love so awkward, the loved doesn't know.

[billy]

the last stanza is great, the 1st stanza has me strugglin on the 1st line. which afftects the rest of the poem, and thats about all i have, if you can make me see what the first line is saying with an edit i know the poem will come alive for me.

Hello! This is a poem I done during my game with Todd. I've edited it, and well, now here it is. =) All criticisms are greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading my poem! =P

By the way, here's the link to the form:
http://bensonofjohn.co.uk/poetry/formsse...a%20Cinque

Sonnetina Cinque - Of Silent Gazes, Of Algid Love

Soldered on stale couch, stare on old fire.
Worries overflow, a sigh escapes.
Imposing statue of damaged presence;
The flicker pensive, ran out of passion.
For what is a man to do, to build a man?

This fighter is beat, by time, by life.
Losing is a habit, and so is irony.
A single dad protects, but doesn't guide.
Loser raises loser, so it's best to let go.
A love so awkward, the loved doesn't know.

[brandontoh]

'Musings sunk deep, in stale couch and old fire.'

Do you think this edit works better? =x I'm aware that the first stanza is weaker. Thanks Billy, for pointing out which line exactly is off. =)

[billy]

yeah that works much better

[Todd]

I get the image of the musings between couch cushions like loose change. The edit does clean the opening up. I had a favorable reaction to this when you first wrote it. I already pointed out the minor bumps I had in the other thread. I'll give it some more thought, but I do like this.

Best,

Todd

[newsclippings]

'Musings sunk deep, in stale couch and old fire.'

I like this edit, the line got my attention immediately.
Something about me staring off into space in those orange-lighted rooms, cold at one end, warm at the other.
I like this.