Lament

[rowens]

I laughed at myself. I laughed at myself.
I laughed at myself.
Soon I'll have someone laughing with me.

The last of my stuff in the medicine cabinet.
He left some stains in the toilet;
must be the first time he went in a while,
since I hid our stash behind the books
on the bookshelf.

The books he never reads;
the books he bought
to show off to our friends,
without taking them off the shelf.

I remember the nights he spent wiping.
He could push one only out enough
that he had to scrape away at it for hours,
till his fingers couldn't reach any farther.
We went through toilet paper like rolling paper.

Everybody told me he wasn't any good.
His own mother told me,
for Christ's sake!
A knob! A fucking knob!
What would he do without me?...

Likely shit himself to death
if he hasn't found something already.
Embarrassing creep. If only I had never met him.
I saw the signs, like I've seen the signs a hundred times,
with all these guys I've loved.
He cuts the farts that cut to the heart.

[cidermaid]

Hi Rowens,
I read this a couple of times now and been left unsure where to comment. But it is just about to fall of the bottom of the current list, so i'll give it a punt. As it is in the misc section i will not make much crit comments.
It has taken me a while to connect with a thought line picture. (Although i can see a strong sub plot behind the surface text). The stumbling block for me was the last line of the opening stanza. I want to be able to connect this into the last stanza...I want to understand why you (I'm assuming a female persona) will soon have someone laughing with you, as the last stanza suggests to me the woman has not yet left nor perhaps intends to leave the "creep". So on this level i found it a very sad poem that speaks of the pointlessness of some existances that are lived. I read into this a story about a a girl who is awake to the grim realities and stupidity of her current situation and yet is reluctant to do anything about it. (Sadly today an all to familiar story - well worth the telling).

I've added a couple of crit notes here for your consideration.

I laughed at myself. I laughed at myself.
I laughed at myself.
Soon I'll have someone laughing with me. This person is missing from the telling so is a mystery. In fact i think the whole first stanza could be ommitted

The last of my stuff in the medicine cabinet.
He left some stains in the toilet;
must be the first time he went in a while,
since I hid our stash behind the books
on the bookshelf. I like the narative / contemplative style of the opening and i supplies plenty of solid images though perhaps a bit too two dimensional

The books he never reads;
the books he bought
to show off to our friends,
without taking them off the shelf. Nice intro to her contempt and first laugh at herself

I remember the nights he spent wiping.
He could push one only out enough I want to place a comma after out, to smooth the way i want to read this
that he had to scrape away at it for hours, and a period after hours
till his fingers couldn't reach any farther.
We went through toilet paper like rolling paper. Sorry prob being really dull but just checking:- is this a ref to cig / smokes paper or is there some other mass produced paper in America called rolling paper. I get an image mismatch between reams of toilet paper and sheaves of cig papers. I have a stumble when i read trying to put the images together. Probably just me

Everybody told me he wasn't any good.
His own mother told me,
for Christ's sake!
A knob! A fucking knob!
What would he do without me?...

Likely shit himself to death
if he hasn't found something already.
Embarrassing creep. If only I had never met him.
I saw the signs, like I've seen the signs a hundred times,
with all these guys I've loved.
He cuts the farts that cut to the heart. Nice ending has a sound like a cig but end being thrown dismissivly to the ground if Aretha F was reading there would also be one of her expressive "shit" s to round it off.

There are elements of this poem that deserve more attention. The back story is worth the write.
AJ.

[rowens]

What I see is someone laughing at themselves. They do say "our stash" after all. But the drugs aren't as bad. Leaving the guy is too painful.

I try to match certain people's speech patterns in some places; in other places I make it sound poetic. It's all mixed up.--And rolling paper is just what you roll things to smoke with, like you said.

[cidermaid]

What I see is someone laughing at themselves. They do say "our stash" after all. But the drugs aren't as bad. Leaving the guy is too painful.

I try to match certain people's speech patterns in some places; in other places I make it sound poetic. It's all mixed up.--And rolling paper is just what you roll things to smoke with, like you said.

Ok well i'll try rereading with this in mind. I think the paper rolling is just me showing my sheltered life. I get an image of toilet paper as soft n long and rollers are small waxed and come in little packs. (Thinking about it my school had horrible waxy paper that came in lrg boxes - it was very nasty...used to just smear things around!)

[rowens]

Who's "laughing with me"? Maybe any number of people that she's going to run to, to talk shit about her boyfriend before going back to him.

---

Some of these poems do have written backstories, in stories and novels.

[heslopian]

A disgusting but wry and kind of poignant poem about a vile creep and the hapless narrator who's somehow drawn to such men. One question: how does the narrator have such intimate knowledge of the creep's bathroom activities? Does s/he spy on him? Because that adds a whole other level to the poem, one of voyeurism and possibly coprophilia. Thank you for the read

[rowens]

If he's in there wiping for hours, she's bound to notice. Maybe he's too high to shut the door. That constipation from pain pills can have you go a long time without shitting. And people obsess over things.

[heslopian]

Yeah, but how did she know he was scraping away at it? I'm just sayin', if he took a dump in the bed and she collided it with it I'd doubt she'd mind...

[rowens]

Drug addicts have very intimate love hate relationships. Especially when they're too strung out to cum or shit.